you said I'll be your first and last

and you end up being my forever first,

and I'm never your last.

When I'm gone
I won't look back
I told myself so
I'm not leaving darkness
But rather
I'm leaving light -
Quiet mornings in our bed
Laughter in the kitchen
My head in your lap -
Sometimes it's harder
Forgetting what you love

I hate seeing a woman cry because of me
A principle I throw away
Since the day she left me alone

I made countless women cry
To satisfy my unquenchable anger
A sin that I can never overcome.

But when I saw my mother cried,
My heart was squeezed ruthlessly
An invisible force ripping my soul.

Can I still be called human?
When I've done so many cruel things
Even forgetting the only principle I have

A principle that I made for my mother when I made her cry once.

i
am
perched
high up
upon
this
Ferris Wheel
up here
where
the
air is fresh and clean
to
let
this
world be
my carousel

i dread the day you learn
for the first time that
you can't just love all
the darkness in me away

and no matter how much
you care i will still toss
and turn at night and scars
might still appear on my skin

i dread the day you realize
that you can't cure me
and sometimes all you can do
is stand next to me and
hold my hand through fog
pouring out of my ears so black
and thick we can't even see
each other's faces

i dread the days i can't
get out of bed
the days you want to
take me out and all
i can manage is a prettified
shell of myself

i dread the day you learn
that sometimes no matter
how hard i try i still can't
pull myself together

the day you learn that
there isn't an answer
you can give that will
save me from my fears

you aren't the first person
who has tried to love the
darkness inside away
my family and friends
have given it their all
but someday you too will learn
that if love could
cure mental illness
the world would be
a much better place