i'm a mess
i'm heartless
i'm a mess
i'm useless
i'm a mess
i am done with everyone
i'm a mess
y'all don't have to clean me up,
i promise
i'll be fine
i always am
haha
i'm a mess

I am not
Emo
I am
Depressed
There is
And always will be
A difference

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

you can:
ill yourself
krill yourself
spill yourself
mill yourself
gill yourself
will yourself
jill yourself
fill yourself
hill yourself
till yourself
dill yourself
zill yourself
bill yourself
Lauryn Hill yourself
distill yourself
quill yourself
twill yourself
carboxyl yourself
shill yourself
shrill yourself


you cannot:
**** yourself

please don't

sure,
but why did you care about me?
no one ever did before.
is this what it feels like
to feel okay?
because i don't recognize this feeling.
not at all.

i feel alone
in your hugs
your arms cold
your soul
your skin
your heart
cold
your touch
is like a snowflake
delicate
but cold
so
so
cold.

Memories
Are a hard thing to explain
So here is my attempt.
Imagine a desert.
Every person in the world has at least some memories.
Each memory is represented
By a grain of sand.
To some people, all they see is a little tiny grain
But to the owner
It might be a boulder
Or even a mountain
That they can’t get out of their sight.
No matter how hard they try
They can’t forget.
Stop telling people
To stop making mountains out of molehills
Because you would be traumatized too
If that same thing happened to you.
So friends,
That’s trauma.

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

independent
all alone
in this country
we call home

alone
but not lonely
peaceful
... if only

through true struggles and true strife
the awful people take our lives
from rocky peaks to desert sands
a trustworthy hope; a nation's plan

we will make it

I love the way you write
I love the way you comment on so many poems
I love the way you post so often
I love the way you bring happiness and poetry
I love the way you show others you care
I love everything I know about you
(Platonically of course)

innocence
from when i was young
trusting
mentally stable
and what some queers may call
"an egg".

innocence
from before we were friends
when i was treated right
kindly
and what some may call
"not like ****".

innocence
from when things felt real
all the time
i could hear things right
i could see
no confusion
or as some may call it
"i wasn't insane".

i miss my innocence
because now
i need it more than ever

Me
Without you

Is like the moon
Without the night

The fish
Without the ocean

The sun
Without the sky

Tom
Without jerry

Peanut butter
Without jelly

Don't leave, please

Dont call me trans masc
When ive always been a boy

bicchiere
è una cosa strana
se fa troppo caldo
si scioglierà
ma se lo lasci cadere
si romperà in un milione di pezzi
proprio come il mio cuore
quando hai detto
"non dovremmo più essere amici,
sei semplicemente un peccato.".
il mio cuore è caduto
e distrutto
è diventato acuto
arrabbiato
triste
amaro
confuso
depresso
nervoso
psicotico
­vetro
è una cosa molto strana
ma lo capisco
forse un po' troppo

Think about it
You could easily ****** someone and get away with it
Think about it
You could watch every movie there is
Think about it
You could marry your one and only love
Think about it
You could learn ever gen alpha term, including skibidi ohio rizz

Think about it
You could slash your exes tires
Think about it
You could spend all your life on a couch
Think about it
You could break every law
Think about it
You could walk never in a slouch

Think about it
You could fall in love
Think about it
You could run away
Think about it
You could fight off a bear
Think about it
You could only do these things if you keep living.
Every day.
Please dont **** yourself.

whats going on
chaos moving in my brain
chaos and panic
world passing by
while i'm stuck
here
in this hellhole
that's bringing pain
and hoping for death
and destruction
i have no idea
whats going on
heart rate going up
breathing fast
brain going crazy
too much happening
for my little, anxious, stupid, empty brain

count the seconds
because every moment counts
you might lose a friend
make one instead
or maybe even fall in love

"sei molto strano."
beh, grazie
Lo prendo come un complimento
io sono strano.

english:

"you are very strange."
well, thank you.
i take that as a compliment.
i am strange.

we are all wearing black
this is the day before i die
hold in your tears now,
please don't cry

i ask for one last dance
and you say 'yes'
so we hold hands and twirl around,
you look so pretty in your black dress

we dance for hours
until i run out of time
when i fall to the floor
look up, the stars are out; after all, it is nighttime

the stars mean nothing
when you aren't here.

the best i can do is try
the time is ticking by
i'm trying not to cry
this is making me want to die
i say i'm fine but i know it's a lie
i hold back a sigh
"i'm just trying to help"
"you're not an ally",
i reply
i don't sit so people don't see my thighs
i try to keep my mouth shut, but open you pry
we are low on supply
so i guess i better retry
more knots i will tie
alcohol, i apply
to my cuts, while tears fall from my eyes
you aren't someone who which i can rely;
please, don't ruin my disguise

it keeps happening
i have no idea why
i look up at the clock
time is ticking by

i have been clean for 23 seconds.
****
that's... that's not a lot.
that's like a whole *** body slam.

i look in the mirror
and try to find a way to hide
the scars and fresh cuts
to keep them out of sight

i don't want them to see
i know they'll just judge me
just like everyone else
leave me alone, please

i don't want to be like this anymore

back in the days
where it all began
in the land
where the little children ran
a religion rose
we will now stand tall
Judaism
one god
one god for all

hey everyone!! i would like to make it stated that i am not supposed to be writing this, yet here i am. i am currently in residential treatment. i am not going to go into details because there are some things i would rather to keep private. i have my school computer so i am able to write this, but i am technically breaking the rules because they haven't approved this website yet. that is why i havent been posting. i am still writing poetry though, so when i get out (which might be in a month, 2 or 3) i will post them all  :) thank you all for your support so far and i will be back :D

Build me like IKEA furniture
With wood and screws and pain
Let me talk to you deeply
Let me take up part of your brain

Let me love you truly
With no lies, wrongs or cheats
Let me care for you lovingly,
Let me wrap you In clean sheets.

Let me ****** those who wronged you,
Let them bleed Out on the floor,
Let you smile honestly
When I come knocking at your door

Let nobody near you but me
Let the pain stay far away
Let me be your medicine
You must take me every day.

Don't leave me.
Please love me.
Who is she?
Does she replace me?

I'm not obsessed.
I'm not obsessed.
I love you.
DONT LEAVE.

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It pumps and pumps
But the moment I see you
It stops

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It fights my brain-
Logic vs emotion-
But it almost always wins

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It's gotten stabbed so many times
That now
It barely even stings

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It leaps to my throat
Sinks to my stomach-
It seems to be more active than me..

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It somehow has a mind of its own.
It's a child, my brain is grown-
So now I have no idea what to think

My heart,
It a very silly thing, isnt it?

the funny thing about screaming
is that you can do it silently
you can cry for help
just by making eye contact in a certain way
not everybody will notice
but the people
screaming
crying
and clawing at the asylum walls
just like you
will understand
and feel
your pain
i know i do.

i think i look at you too often
not because you are pretty
(well, you are but that's besides the point)
but because i keep wondering
if you are even real
or just something
my brain made up
as a last hope
either way is okay
i love you anyways

hahaha
bahaha
****
lol
whyyy
is what i say
but what i want to say
is this:
help me
i'm so alone
i just need a friend
i need help
please
no
everyone keeps leaving me
but i know
if i say any of that ****
you'll run away
just like they all did

maybe only now I'm getting this realization
This realization that being treated wrong is not something to oversee
Maybe these piles of books are my only friends in this lonely world

But there she is
A candle in the darkness
A butterfly that flew into the endless abyss of the world
A savior, even though she might not know it.

Deep down
I know that she is the answer
The replacement for the piles of books

After being treated wrong
For all these years
Her presence felt strange, but in a way, right.
She is always there.
Especially when you need her.

And now I know
She is my best friend
And she will always be there
Because I love her
And she loves me
Platonically, of course.

Forget
Olvidar
Oublier
Vergessen
Dimenticare
Vergeten
Esquecer
Un­utmak
Zapomnieć
Glömma
Unohtaa
Glemme
Lupa
Pozabiti
Zaboraviti
El­felejteni
Uita
Pamiršti
Aizmirst
Glemme
Forglemme
Kuliwa
many languages later
And I still can’t forget

The blade on my desk sings an alluring melody
Tempting me to cut
Telling me that I deserve it
I'm happy… anything but.

I try to ignore
Against the wall i lean
I try to hope
I try to dream

But the song draws me closer
Telling me to cut deep
Telling me that if I do
It'll help me sleep

The avoidance fails.
Blood falls to the floor
Staining the carpet
I close the door.

Silent tears
Hopeless dreams
A ruined life
ripped at the seams

Tears fall to the cuts
It stings.
Is it weird that I like it?
Is it weird the happiness it brings?

When I finish
I cover it with a sleeve.
A future Scar
That I know will never leave.

I didn't Want to.
It was an accident.
A beautiful accident.
A painful accident.
Not an accident.

Help me.

The water warm
The sea creatures choking
On the weight of our mistakes

The air hot and humid
The birds falling,
Unable to go on.

The land littered with plastic
The animals tumbling
On the debri we've left behind

What has earth become?
A place of scars.
Not a place
That hasn't been hurt by us.
What have we done?

humans love
to put labels on things
for example

someone is sad
they are emo

someone is mentally ill
they are crazy

someone is smart
they are a nerd

someone is strong
they are a ****

someone is small
they are too weak

someone is big
they are too fat

someone is traumatized
"they are just being dramatic"

labels
they really do hurt

My stomach rumbles
Yet I simply can't eat
People stare
Stop watching
Eyes are everywhere
I cut my wrists
I swallow pills
I slice my throat
I wrap rope around my neck
I've escaped death
So many times
But unlike other people
That makes me ashamed
Whenever im on a Rollercoaster
I want to jump off.
Whenever I see a rope
I want to hang off of it
Whenever I take my meds
I want to take them all
But for some ******* reason
It never works
Why am I even here?
I have no reason to live
I have nothing to live for
I am useless
What do I even bring to this world?
I'm sorry to the little people that will miss me.
Even they will probably get over it.
But I survived
I survived
I survived
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I don't want to be.

Quick breaths
Peppermint tears
And I said,
"Never again."
"Never again will I be the weakest link,
Never again will I fail,
Never again will the pressure
Hit my back like hail."
"Never again will I be weak
Never again will I be lost,
Never again will I feel this way,
No matter the cost."

now
i have to remember you
for longer
than i even knew you.
but i know you will forget me
just like everyone else did.

i still remember
             our playground
where we played together, at
              our playground
the place we loved,
               our playground
where we could be friends,
                our playground
without anybody watching,
                our playground
man... i sure do miss
               our playground
being friends

A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said

i'm running out of time
i have so much to say
so much in my brain
so many people to betray

i'm running out of time
so much happening in this chaotic world
too many people to correct
too many people to tell "i'm a boy, not a girl."

i'm running out of time
so much to tell you
so much to give you
so many things that aren't true

time time time time time
i need more time
i'm running out of time
please give me more time
you won't regret it, i promise

the cold air bites my cheeks and ears
                              but it's summer
the snow is freezing to my skin
                              but it's summer
i slip on the ice
                              but it's summer
the sun is nowhere to be seen
                              but it's summer
nobody is outside
                              but it's summer
i'm so cold
                              but it's summer
you left me to freeze in the snow
                              but it's summer
but...
it's summer

i dont know
if im going through a depressive episode
a suicidal episode
a dissociative episode
a derealization episode
a depersonalization episode
a psychotic episode
a sociopathic episode
or something else
but something is definitely wrong