I had been desperately flailing around in the water .
I forgot that if I stopped panicking I could stay afloat.
Drowning my sorrows in distractions .
I forgot what a sober life felt like .
Depression became my default.
I forgot that joy was also an option .
Suffering was normalized.
And peace was just a distant dream .
I was too busy surviving the days .
I had forgotten to just live in the moment..

You were possessive
A narcissist
Just wasn’t my type
I still gave you a chance even though I know my heart wasn’t right
I let you corrupt me and twist me in so many ways
Though I wanted to leave you I continued to stay .
You were a  no good
A distraction
A unsure place
You were  cancer
A mouse trap
A gloomy day
A ball of insecurities
A huge ego
A empty space
I should have said goodbye and yet I still chose to stay
Not because I fell in love
I saw the red flags as clear as day
I knew you were hell incarnated and not my saving grace .
Your heart was terrifying
Your mind was much worse
Your words did only damage and not
any good
Why I suffered from your hand and looked for no way out
It was simple  
I was  already lonely ,broken, shattered and hollow to begin with .
Even if all you gave me was pain I used that to fill the emptiness..

Emptiness has swallowed me
Faint remembrance of the girl I used to be .
Reflection in the mirror
A stranger stared right back at me
I didn’t recognize this hallow version of me .

Not a smile or ounce of color is she
Black and white
Monotone
No Character
Describes her lost sense of reality

Fragments of her former self
Now only a shadow
Her few words and fleeting emotions ..

I’m not to be played with
I am not your toy
I am more than just an option
That you can null and void
You don’t get to pick when , how, where  
or how far you”re willing to meet me .

Im not the spur of the moment
A quick feel
A trophy
A doll
A crutch you use to boost your ego  
Mediocre
Last Choice
Average
Your thoughts of me overall .

I am more than what you perceive me to be
I am a blessing
Resilience
Grace
Beauty
A prize
Someone’s
Fantasy
Dream
Bride
You never saw or try to decipher any part of me
But I always saw your were
Potential,
Work in  progress ,
Eventual greatness ,
Everything you couldn’t see .
I helped you afloat when I  was the one who was unsteady .
I should  have never rescued you when the only intentions you had was drowning me .

Stuck
I'm stuck with no way out
No matter how hard I try
It's all in vain .
I'm stuck in this endless cycle of pain
Hope for more.
Settle For Less.
No ,expect nothing.
These screams have to be worth something
The Sweat,
Tears ,
Time I sacrificed trying
HAD TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
Where is my win
Why am I stuck at a forever dead end .
Countless attempts to pull myself up after I've been drowning in sea of failure for far too long
Desperately Crawling with every bit of me
Fingers Submerged
In The Dirt of my own Relentlessness
I refuse to give in.





,

Am  I done ?
I need to be done .
Please tell me I’m done.
After putting in my all
Going beyond my best
Trying hard not to fall
Racking my brain
Through it all
Desperately .
Can I give up ?
Can I throw in the towel ?
I’m sure I heard the fat lady sing
It was a slow melody of torture.
It’s not like I didn’t expect this
But I took a different approach
I tried another path
Because maybe the reason I couldn’t find it wasn’t because it did not exist .
Maybe I was just bad at directions
That’s why I kept arriving to a dead end .
So I took my time ,
Retrace my steps,
Followed the signs,
But it all led to the same end
My end.
That oh so familiar ending that’s etched in
  My heart ,
My thoughts ,
My very being ,
That  assures me time and time again that I am..

From the day I was born I obtained the thing so many people search a lifetime for .
I obtained love .
Not any kind of love
Unconditional love
A love a mother has for a child no one can can come between that .
That love was made special .
Special as in caring for a seed that haven’t even took shape yet .
Special as in nurturing your body the correct ways so that the life inside you can benefit from it .
Special as in going through months of nausea, sleepy spells , weird cravings , anxiety , so much anxiety , for a whole 9 months .
Preparing and planning and treating everything carefully and cautiously just so that seed’s arrival will be safe .
Do you see the love I’m talking about ?
I’m not even here yet and they already rolled out the red carpet just for me .
Now that is LOVE .
But the best part is it doesn’t stop there.
You are with me every step of the way .
When I crawled you were so excited.
When I said my first words you were filled with joy .
When I learned how to walk you cheered me on .
When I learned how to read you praised me.
When I liked a certain snack you indulged me .
When I wore my first uniform you couldn’t stop taking pictures.
When I misbehaved you scolded me .
When I felt alone you comforted me .
When I felt insecure you encouraged me.
You loved me before you knew me .
Your love never wavered not even once
When you get mad at me I know it’s because you care for me .
When you lecture me I know it’s because you don’t want me to end up doing something stupid or That I will regret.
When you compliment me I know it’s from the heart .
Every single action you have shown me ,
Every lesson you have taught me ,
Is just a small fraction of just how much I mean to you .
I’m very grateful to receive such a wonderful and limitless love from the woman who means everything to me .
I can write you aa1,000 page essay and it still would not be able to express the magnitude of love that I have for you .

New Year , New Me ? Right ?
But it’s not a new me just a new year
I’m still me.
Plain old me .
Sarcastic check .
******* check .
Indecisive check ,check
Lonely check ,check ,check ,check
Codependent but pretending not to be .
Check .
I’m still using my favorite line
It’s the same old conversation
How are you doing
And it’s the same old answer
“okay “
“Never been better “
“ Can’t complain “
“Taking it one day at a time “
If their was an award for how much lies you can say in a 5 minute conversation I’ve won it  .
And yes I said five minutes
Did I forgot to tick the “loose interest fast” box .
I’ve constantly been hiding behind these phrases because let’s be real ,
Even if they cared to ask if your okay
It’s not like they have the answers to your problem or a solution to your dilemma .
But hey it’s the thought that counts .
But I’m still left to deal with my **** on my own .
The truth is..
I’m not okay but you know that already.
It’s a common reply people use to distract themselves and their conversation partner from what really is going on .
I’m a mess .
I’m unsure of my future .
I have a should or should I not thing going on with my ex, “It’s complicated” but also not so complicated .
We’ve all been there
Delete the number? ,
Forget he ever existed?
Fun . Logical.
If only you could delete the memories and somehow get amnesia but only for the time you were together.
Not so easy is it .
But you try to move forward because what else are you gonna do ? I’m obviously still working on the “moving forward “ part .
Speaking of “moving”
Let’s move right along on this emotional train wreck.
I’m stagnant.
I’m afraid .
Afraid to take that step , I want it to be not of uncertainty but faith .
I want it to mean something .
To be a new beginning for me.
I don’t want to regret it .
Whatever happens at-least I took that chance to not think and just do .
I’m confused
Who am I?
What am I capable of?
What do I love ?
Who do I love ?
How do I love ?
Am I loved ?
Can’t complain??? Yeah Right .
I complain every single day about
Me,
Him ,
Her ,
Them ,
Hungry for acceptance.
Bleeding desperation .
Starved for self reflection.
Terrified by fear of rejection.
All of this masked by a simple “okay”
“Can’t complain “
“Never been better “
“One day at time “
Oops and don’t forget to finish with a smile.

You did something to me ..
Something..
I don't know what it was
For me to still be here thinking about you
Still connected with you
Like this..
Whatever this is..
Confusion?
Attempt to feed my loneliness?
A fleeting act of kindness?
Distraction?
Memories?
A Kiss?
Intermission?
We called it quits
but this feels like it never ended
and my feelings are recycled over and over again
in this never ending cycle of what "this" is .

Look into her eyes
Tell me what you see
Beneath the great disguise
Lies something so deep
Lies something so weak
She’s broken and drowning in the sea of her own sadness
She comes up to catch her breath but   the weight of this world is like an anchor that pulls her further further into darkness.
The darkness that seeps inside her  heart
And burns everything away until there’s nothing left

Unavailable for your games and wicked schemes :
Unavailable for your nonchalant attitude and your confusing words .
Unavailable  for my voice constantly repeating the same thing to you and not being heard .
Unavailable for your lies .
Unavailable for your high pride .
Unavailable for your “ Cocky persona “ when others are watching .
Unavailable for the  countless “ I’m sorry and   “I’ll do better” .
I’m unavailable for the broken promises
And the missed calls , and putting up with you through it all.
I was always available to you but you were always “ unavailable ” to me .
So now I’m unavailable because I’m tired of trying.
No more excuses ,
mind games ,
and crying
Unavailable to you and anyone else
Who think this type of relationship is satisfying .
.

I walk in , you look and stare .
Your unaware that those glares make me feel uncomfortable .
But that’s just what “ men are like today “
You comment on my hip  , bust and waist Measure my worth by how acceptable my face is
And invade my space , because you have “something to tell me”
Although I know exactly what your gonna say.
You never fail to disappoint.
I read your mind.
Every single time  .
Know  every line .
You were trying to hook me with  
But I am not your “ catch of the day “
How many other girls you threw your bait to and ended up devoured by your egos , selfishness and pride .
How many of them were thrown back in the sea because you were still hungry so you searched for a bigger prize .
That is not me .
I won’t become her .
So I ignore you
Because how dare you ?
Why should I accept you?
Who gave you the right to treat me that way ?
But all you reply is  “what a waste of
a pretty face “
Then stormed out  cause just like you measured my worth , I did the  same to yours  and put you in your place
But hey that’s“men today “

Scream little child
Scream
From the top of your lungs
bellow out your insecurities ,brokenness, darkness , fears ,
Until your voice shatters .
Until you throw up the scars of your heart.
Until  every definition of you fall apart .
Until your  left to suffer all alone with only the echoes of  your silent cries.

For the 9 months you carried me in your womb.
For making a place I can call home .
For indulging my antics in the crib  because I didn’t know how to sleep
For putting oatmeal in my bottle
because that formula was just not cutting it and spoiling me with seconds at breakfast cause you know just how much I loved to eat .
For the long nights at the hospital when I
was sick .
For those pretty dresses you bought that were always the right fit .
For the morals you instilled in me that paved the way for the person I am today .
For the countless scarifies and tears you shed for my sake .
For those serious speeches and stern teachings that I needed to understand life .
For never bringing me down and always lifting me up to help me face any battle I may fight .
For  guiding me through the path of wrong and right .
And allowing me to make my own decisions.
For The many kisses , smiles, praises and hugs
For the support, kindness and unconditional love
I can write endless rhymes
Buy you a thousand gifts
And it’s still won’t be enough to express the magnitude of my gratitude and love I have for you .
The greatest mother any child can ask for I’m glad I was blessed with you
Happy Mother’s Day.

Your sly .
You come into my house announced
You weasel your way into my mind
You break down the walls I built inside my heart to block any memories of you
What is your objective
Why is your methods so affective
Why is your smile so infectious
Why is the pain deflected and your feelings accepted
My spirit was dejected because of you
You don’t have the right, even though I’m right , I still gave you the right ,

Do you like it ?
Is it fun for you ?
Playing with my tolerance for you
Knowing I’m only tolerant for you
Making my heart waver
I have common sense
But not when it comes to you .
Who are you to me ?
Who do you think you are ?
Countless attempts to fill this empty heart .
You always had all the answers
So tell me where do I start ? .

I’m just trying to do my best you see
In this misconstrued conception of society
The endless rejection and the sighs I repeat
Trying to make something of me in the world

I wanted to destroy it all
It didn’t matter anymore to me
I was almost there
So if it ended I thought I wouldn’t feel incomplete
But I didn’t  picture it to be this lonely.

Soulless child with your head hang low
What is that you truly feel  
When people talk to you
Your answer always echoes in the back of your head a silent cry of what you truly mean
But you just simply say
I’m “okay”
I’m okay
As in okay to the point where I’m not affected by your words or herds of encouragement you seemly bait me with even though reality isn’t something so tempting .
I’ve become numb to everything around me so much that I think it’s normal to be this way ,
But I’m “okay”
I drown out the songs of the chirping birds in the morning with my own melody of sadness
But as always I’m “ okay “
Usually caring just enough to maintain relationships but the ship that I’ve been sailing by myself has been shipwrecked a long time ago ,
But lol no really I’m “okay”
Not present, not aware , feelings of only emptiness and despair  swirls around in my mind countless times
But on the surface “I’m doing just fine “
A broken record forced to repeat this very verse , Ive lost all understanding in this very word , But because saying the truth only hurts I’ll  trick myself into believing this curse I put on myself that
I’m truly “Okay”

I been thinking
Overthinking
day in day out
Planning
What’s this life of mines can offer
What experience out there can change
this nonchalant floater
What light do I stand under
To make my heart shine and spirit rumble
To make the mundane days fumble
And crumble ,

I’ve been thinking
Overthinking what this life have to bring
What will shout out to my very being and make a passion deep inside me sing
What will move me and cause me to run full force towards one thing
What Will cause me loose my standing  and kick me out my pace
Will challenge my mind and lead me to a overwhelming space
Will not embrace but enrage my fears  
Will cause my feelings to erupt and implode and melt away that o comfortable setting of settling I place upon myself
What will I find I wonder ...



The path that is right for me
The path that’s is less confusing
Less overwhelming
The path that makes sense

Once you left my motivation left with you
I used to be independent
Strong
Thought I could take the world by storm
So how come because your not here I’m no longer in my top form
I don’t brainstorm on ideas no more
I don’t have the will to fight a loosing battle anymore
I’m sad that I’m weak
I’m sad that I’ve grown lazy
I just want to sleep
And eat
Repeat
Next day comes and still I’m left wondering how it used to be when you weren’t here
How Is it that you left me but along with you piece of me disappeared
And I’ve been wracking my brain to find out how to get it back
But I’m stuck
Glued shut
The emotionless barricade I made out an attempt to forget you
Won’t break down or fall
The powers that I used to have I gave you it all
I’m so small
Compared to how I used to be
All I do is drown my sorrows in these sheets and tweets and drink every other week to make me feel complete
I had enough of this current scene
I want to restart
Erase
the scenes of you and me for my heart .

One minute she's flying next minute she's dying
Trying
Fighting
Crying
Wonder why and
What to do to get back the feeling she once had
Is she trying to bring back a dead situation
Is God telling her to stop and let go
But what does she do when he is all that  she knows
He has her
Mind
Body
Heart
And Soul
How does she detach those strings he has embedded into her.
How does she cut those ties that's forged deep within
Her relationship all filled with sin
Holding on to lust
When the heart is what really matter
Connecting with bodies
Forgetting the pain
Putting  aside her brain
And spirit
And falling victim to her flesh
He kisses her chest and make her forget about what's next and just focus on that moment of pleasure
For 5 mins in time
Then she looks at sky
And ask God why ?
Why do we do the things we do
When we know it will hurt us in the end
Feelings intertwine in lust , love and life .

Tears , stay in ,
Tears don't come out ,
tears don't reveal to the world that I am weak
Tears why don't you allow me to speak , Tears why do you come out at the worst times .
tears stop it ,
your fooling with my mind ,
tears your  causing bag under my eyes , How am I suppose to hide my emotions inside when I can’t stop this leakage  ,
Tears why do you haunt me so,
Yeah my heart's broken but I don't want the whole world to know ,
Tears do me a favour ,
Help me put on a show when I'm out in public you don't have to be known
So When I’m all  alone in my room in bed by myself ,
You can grow and burst and do whatever you please.
But tears please don't patronize me
Cause me to plea ,
Sacrifice my pride
I'm weak ,
I need to be strong ,
I need to be meek ,
So tears allow me to be free. Please

Scared to go into the light
So you hide
Try to change your disguise
But in the end it’s futile
Because the you that was then
That closed the door
Shut out and ignore
Is here to haunt you once more  when your
Bored,
Hurting,
Alone,
Depressed ,
Stressed ,
Had enough
And when you look around and see that there’s nobody there
You only have yourself  to blame
“Serves you right “
It’s all your fault.

It’s all her fault
She let it happen
Who knew she  played the part of an insignificant  person oh so well
The extras in those movies
Yup that’s her
Everybody’s the main character in her life story but her  ,
So she settles  and hide
And politely pushes herself   to the side
Says everything all right
Pretend
Disguise
All the feelings she  tries to hide
Always come back to haunt her
Then she’s  left alone
And then ask “why “ ?

She’s  kind
And sweet
And ties everything together so neat
And then she’s  left alone
Everything unravels
And then ask “why”?
  
She says the right things
Always been supportive  
Never really cared about herself  only others
And then she’s  left alone
And resorts to writing her  emotions on a piece of paper
And then she asks “why” ?

She’s  responsible
She’s  always relied on but when it comes to her there’s never a person she can rely in
Does what she’s  told
No matter how much she breaks
She doesn’t show one crack
Her heads off the rail but she makes sure it appears on track
Never pushes anything to far
Calmly keeping up the act
She doesn’t  step but tiptoes
around everyone and anything around her
And then she’s left alone
And she really wonders “why”?

I’ve always felt unhappy
I’ve always felt alone
The city I lived in for 20 years
I don’t feel at home
Everybody feels like strangers
Connected humming to the same tune
But I am like an alien
Far away from home
I never fit in
I don’t know how to blend
My being is so awkward
I don’t have any friends
I struggle to figure out
Why I don’t belong
Why can’t I catch the tune of this outmost popular song
But I’m stuck humming quietly in my own zone .
I’ve always wondered why I was left all alone .

It’s the same thing everyday
I wake up around 2
Laze around till 3
And proceed to get ready for work
Everyday is stressful
Everyday is painful
I’m alive but not living
I’m breathing but oh so steady
No excitement
No surprises
Just routined depression

I see the way you look at me
I see it in your eyes
At first it wasn’t obvious
You mask your intentions
Behind a disguise
The hatred you feel for me
I honestly don’t know why
What have I done to you
What have I said
What change your kind demanour
What made you want to make my days hell
Is it the way I stay in my corner ?
Or how I stare out the window endlessly?
Or how I’m polite and respectful ?
Or how I take  my job seriously ?
Is it the way people start to slowly greet me as I settle in ?
Is it the way the manager talks to me when nobody will?
It baffles me how I barely know you
But your intentions toward me are so ill
When I struggle or make mistakes You attack me  with your snide remarks and insults
Coming in for the ****
I **** you with kindness , I smile at your mean gestures  , You pick on me because you want a reaction ,
But I’m not weak I will never give you that satisfaction.
Is it because I try to do my job so well ?
I do it with pride
I am my own person
I don’t hide behind a disguise
I am me unapologetically and if you don’t like that then maybe the problem is with you .

I never dared to challenge myself
I always though I would come up short
I always pulled my hand way
Never tried to reach further
I stay snuggled up in the place I know couldn’t hurt me
My comfort zone .

My words stumble and fall in conversations
My personality fail to reach the surface
I awkwardly stay in one place because this is where I feel the safest .

I sit in fear and anxiety
Each passing day as I stare into nothingness in a desperate attempt to imagine  some different reality than the one I’m living now .

I was a young girl
Curious and naive
He was a older boy
Full of mystery
His stare was intense
His approach was straight forward
I never met such a guy
He was interested in me
He told no lies
I was interested in him
But I averted my gaze
I made up excuses
And stayed in denial
After all I was foolish
A young selfish child
I hid behind my disguise
Ignored my feelings because of my high maintenance  pride .
He didn’t give up
He pursued me for a while
But like all crushes slowly fade away
I was no longer the center of his attention
I knew his intentions
But I just pushed him away
I didn’t own up to my feelings
I gave him a hard time
If I told him I loved him
Then I wouldn’t feel this way        So empty.
So alone .
So abandoned.

Hope is a 4 letter word
But so is Pray .
Which one you think is more powerful?

I thought I was done crying
I thought the feelings had finally fade
But why do I find my tears falling
I wish this pain would just go away
My heart finally settled but now is calling back out your name
Why did you send that message
Why did you make that call
Why is that you still have this power over me
We didn’t just meet ,
Our souls intertwined
That’s why this hurt so much
That’s why my tears won’t stop
That’s why I feel like throwing up
All the time and feelings I  invested in being yours
Love was our was link
But love wasn’t enough to save us .

It started out as heaven
so how did it turn into hell
We knew dysfunctional oh too well
We had many differences
Too much to count
We had many arguments
Too much to count
We both would yell
We both would fuss
We both would cry
Then look at each other and ask Why
How
When
Did it fall apart again ?
You were my twin
We were both each other beginning and end
We would amend and start over
Put ill feelings in the past
Try to salvage this thing we called a relationship
Make  it last
But like a broken record playing over and over again
Its the same result
We always crashed  
Miserably
The fool couple
Both hotheaded
Both sensitive
Both aggressive
I was selfish
He was possessive
Yes quite a duo
It was an impossible love from the start .

I want to be positive
I want to free my mind
I want to release my anxiety
Buried down deep down inside
I want to be optimistic
I want to have impossible dreams
I want to see the world from a different perspective
I want to believe that the world is not as bad as it seems
I want to succeed
I want to achieve
I want to be fearless
I want to be outgoing
I want to be outspoken
I want to break the barriers I place on myself wide open
I don't want to just fly
I want to soar
Pass limits that has never been reached before
I guess in all
I just want to live.

Alone with my own thoughts
Emptiness surround my mind
Hiding from loneliness
Fear suppressed deep inside .
I don’t want to be alone
Wrap in a ball of uneasiness
Caged by my own anxiety
I don’t want to be alone
It’s not fun here
There’s no light here
It’s depressing here
Where can I run so that my heart don’t feel abandoned and my mind won’t run free
And cause me to isolate every part of me
I’m lonely
Oh so very lonely
Help me.

Who am I ?
Who am I supposed to be ?
When I look in the mirror what I’m supposed to see ?
When I think about the future?
What am I supposed to dream ?
When I think about my journey ?
Where am I supposed to be ?

You were my only exception
You were my flawed perfection
You were the only one who captured my attention
You were my hopeless connection
You were my bad intentions
Your were my self reflection
You were my love selection
Now your just a painful lesson .

I get angry , I get upset
I get loud , Everything turn to a mess
He get angry , he gets upset
He starts leaving , Everything’s a mess ,
I felt like I wanted to choke him and now my hearts left wide open ,
The words we finally threw at each other has finally soak in and now the communication and respect has  been broken
We come together to reconcile
We’re upset and hurt by each other for a while
We forgive and move on because it’s for the best then once again our relationship is put to the test
What’s next
What’s wrong
Why our we stuck repeating the same songs
Aren’t we suppose to right each
other’s wrong and move along

We fall in this same pattern everyday ,We bring us closer to each other but somehow we manage to bothbpush each other so far away and stray from the path of moving forward
And move backwards
Forward then back
Forward then splat
Forward then attack
Forward than smash and everything broken ,
Were drowning in each other words that was spoken
and were choking ,
slowly falling into the sea of resentment but we always catch our breath and start a new .

She walked in and he ignored her existence
The man she thought loved her
Could she had been tripping ?Could she have been blind ?
I mean she was hurt too
But she never threw her frustration towards you
What a fool she was for you
Gave everything up for you
Her Time
Her mind
Her soul
Her Shine
That started to dull with in time
If she knew she would have to say goodbye
She would've said no
She would've hardened her heart
And let nobody enter  
But she fell for him and he grew into her soul like a cancer
She forgot about the world
He was her center
She stopped questioning everything
He became her only answer.
He was a ball that came crashing into her heart  and he took advantage .
Advantage of how much she loved him
how much she cared
How much she trusted
How much she feared
Feared of loosing him
He embedded these strings inside her out of his selfish whim
untill she  chopped it off and there was no life left inside within
But she had to let him go
Although it pained her so
She wanted to leave on good terms but  he  just threw his rage at her
and tried to persuade her
And twist her words against her
He was a painful disease that immersed her mind
Yet she defended him every time
And stayed true
She loved him and he loved her too
She remembered the fun they had and the times they shared
She didn't want everything to disappear
She was scared .
And afraid to be alone
He set up a tent in her heart and made a place he called home
It was warm and made her feel at peace
Now it's just a vacant room
Come back she's screaming
please
But in heart she knew it was about time to leave .

Don’t think about it too much he says
But what happens when she’s lying in bed alone , confused ,stress . Crying alone , scared , depressed
She wakes up everyday, close her eyes , take a deep sigh and try to get through each and everyday
The weight that lays upon her shoulder it
It strains her , it’s a heavy load that hard to lift and it drains her
over and over
until there’s nothing left
She’s an empty shell ,
No more crying ,
no more screaming,
she’s in hell ,
She’s under a spell more like a curse that sole purpose was to make her worry suffer and hurt
, she blows up emotionally,
Her motions come out in every form ,
Shes a storm
Then a  fire
and a whirling wind of rage
  A river flowing of pent up sadness , She’s caged by her own fears and worries , chained down by  her insecurities and faults ,and her inner voice is taken prisoner by a hollow shell of her former self .