i cant figure out
how to stop breaking my promises
why can't i forget you

even though you're gone
not a day goes by
that you don't break a promise
that you don't prove that every thing you said was a lie

i was dancing
golden
shimmering
enchanting
and i reached out to grab your hand
but i was alone

it's moments like these
when i'm lying in bed
my rigid sheets wrapped around my shivering body
and i reach over
but the screen is black
and there's nothing there
that you break my heart all over again

like thorns ripping through my skin
i replay every last memory we shared

when i first met you
and looked at you like you had placed the stars in the sky
wanting to be close to you
hanging on every word
my hopes suspended with every move of you arm
hoping it was going to drape itself around me

it just hurts so much more
because i know you were thinking of someone else
when all i could think of was you
and i hate myself for falling for your suave words
that were so perfect
how could i not see they were so well rehearsed

I want to cut off all my hair
my body is craving change
it's crying out for a change of scenery
but as I think of endless ways
to snip my strands
into something new
my mind keeps crawling back to you
of how you loved my luscious locks
the sensation of running your greedy fingers through it
the way it fell down my back
and how I twirled it when my nerves got the best of me
I think of how
you were too scared to brush it
because you thought you might hurt me
so careful with my body
but so reckless with my heart
and the longer I think
the more thankful I become
because you helped me discover
exactly who I don't want to be
so if you don't like my hair
(which you most likely won't)
the new me
would like to relay a message

I don't care

do I believe people can change?
of course I do.
because I no longer recognize every curve of your body
and memorizing it used to be my most practiced pastime
your heart is not what it used to be
tender
kind
and timid
but is now jagged and tough
like the seashells we used to collect
rushing into the water
captured by the waves
laughing
looking
loving
screaming this is forever
and I never though you a liar
but I know better now
(you are)

as i walk through the empty hallways
i fix my gaze on the worn floor
each footstep is heavy
and drags across the hardwood
the movements have become involuntary
a product of repetitiveness
not passion
i cannot raise my eyes to the photographs hanging on the wall
these black and white remnants
of what seems to be a life of mine
lived so long ago
that I cannot recall the details

but I remember
I remember the girl
who grew up learning hatred
so ashamed of what had been given to her
and so afraid of a life untouched
I wanted so desperately to give her the world
but she destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember
I remember the boy
with wild black hair and a voice like honey
who told me everything I thought I wanted to hear
who pulled me in so quickly
but I drew away with little pause
and so I left him
because I am just a girl and cannot give you the world

I remember the boy
who I watched settle for anything
and everything that crossed his path
wondering if I too
was just a commodity
if his plans of seeing me in a white dress
were fixated on the dress
or the soul wearing it
so he destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember the girl
who loved everything too much
who looked at me with wonderstruck eyes
and convinced me that I could be so much more
but the skies are never clear for long
and as the dark clouds rolled in
I learned that she hated the rain
as I watched her run inside
to someone new
as I stood amidst the raging storm
while she destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember
I still remember the boy
who looked me expecting nothing
except me
the smoke envelopes me
whistling my name
and I move in closer
closer to this warmth
this all consuming
all encompassing fire
but I am scared
I am so scared of the thought of burning out
or becoming engulfed
only to discover
that these flames are not what I want
so I run
I run far away
to safe
monotonous
empty "love"

and as I watched him fall in love under the autumn leaves
tending my scorched soul
dragging my feet along these empty hallways
realizing I destroyed my own heart
and I left it black and blue

I despise the season in which
the trees have not yet hinted to their leaves that they are no longer welcome
and when the leaves have not yet
turned red in anger, yellowing in sadness
in which the earth has not yet kissed it's hot headed lover named summer goodbye
and where I am caught between where I want to be
and the long, twisting road that leads there