It's 4am again and I can't sleep
Not because I have insomnia
Infact, I'm heavy eyed
But you my dear have decided otherwise
I have no say in the matter
When it comes to sleep
You are indeed the boss
A minute ago I knew I would go back to sleep
But then something happened
Something always happens
And your eyes popped open
Then the wails began
Sometimes you're smiling
Like you are laughing at me
So we start the dance again
And now it's 5am
And am hoping this fifth dance will work
And then you surprise me
And we have to do it all over again

I have these conversations in my head
Mostly about you
I replay all the complaints
Rantings about your husband
How's he's not good enough
But how have you been with him
All these years

Seems like you already ate
That's how you greet him at dinner
Then why'd you make the food?
You say he keeps looking to lead at church
But how can you not expect him to
You don't allow him to lead his own family
You say he's extravagant
Yet he doesn't even have money to spend

You keep telling your children to marry
But look at the example you set
When they see you look down on him
Use disrespectful words and tone
According your husband no respect at all
How can you expect them to be enthusiastic
Yet you don't make it appealing

Even when you sell me something
Don't make it sound like I have to buy
Like there's no otherwise
Because I'll go looking for options
And trust me, I'll find them

He has complaints about you, you know
If only you would listen
To his ideas
If only you wouldn't want to always win
To always be right
Then you'd perhaps have it better
But what do I know
I've never been married

I said something to you about you
I said what I thought about you
I did, think the worst about you
I went to the extreme end
I wanted to be proven wrong
I wanted to know that you're not that
But you did the exact opposite
You proved me right
And broke my heart in the process

She looks at her
As she feeds him
As she beams at him
With a mother's pride
Then she wonders quietly
How her baby would've been

She watches her
As she struggles with her crying baby
As she tries to soothe him
As everyone judges her motherhood
As she tries to mother him
And she wonders quietly
About her own
That she never got to hold

She quietly questions
Whether it was a relieving loss
Like a dodged bullet
She quietly wonders
How her single motherhood
Would've been in a judgy community
Of hateful christians

I miss the days I was alone
Because then I could cry
And I wouldn't be afraid to be judged
I could stay silent as long as I wanted
And wouldn't have to account for it

Then I could freely feel everything
Without having to hide the feelings
Then I didn't have to have myself together
All I needed was to be myself

Then I was allowed to be broken
Without having to explain what's broken
Then I could break down
And it would be okay without witnesses
Because I knew I would get back up
I knew I needed to feel so I could deal

But how can I do it now?
How can you be you when you can't break?
When your state of mind is on public display?
How can you explain the unexplainable?
Why do you have to?
I need to be alone again

If someone took
A picture of us right now
They would see you
Without knowing it's you

They wouldn't know
That this glow in my face
Comes from my love for you
They wouldn't know
That this lovely fitting T-shirt
Comes from your closet

They would not know
That this candy he ***** on
Was bought with your money
They would not know
That the comfy diaper he has on
Was bought with your love

They wouldn't know
That the love we are sharing
Expands with the thought of you
They wouldn't know
That the prospect of a future
Expands with knowing you are in it

They would never know
That I'm happier because of you
That he's happier because of you

They would be taking a picture
A complete reflection of you
And they wouldn't have a clue
Of how incredible a mirror you are

I made assumptions
Assumptions about you
They weren't true
You weren't capable
Being that person
That you portrayed

You wanted us
Thinking that you
Were this person
That you project
That you paint
To be seen

You have created
A public persona
To hide you
Behind those walls
That you raised
To extreme heights
To prevent anyone
From jumping over

Like predicted values
Of resulting attempts
Hurt and anguish
Befalls attempted climbers
Disappointment and brokenness
For making effort
Few steps up

Like movie roles
You have created
Extremely convincing characters
For all situations

Like double agents
You have managed
To be anyone
Anyone but you
Throwing us away
Away from yours
Your real scent
Away from you
Your real life.

I love this you that I see
How you talk out your opinions
Without a care about society
That they expect you to be subtle
And sit in the fence
But you confidently take a stand
And tell them they are idiots
For being people pleasers
For pretending to be nice
So others can pretend to be nice to them
Maybe it's because you have aged
And seen how imprisoning it can be
To let the society cage you
And mould you into this person you're not happy being
Or maybe it's because you are retired
Probably it is because you slowly gained courage
Enough to peel away the layers
Of societal pressures
And had enough of their straining expectations
Or maybe you are just being the you
That you waited so long to be

I kept asking about her
And he kept telling
I do not know why I wanted to know
Given that he chose her over me
The illusion of love
Or perhaps the thought of it
Was what I had

I guess I thought I was better
Or would be a better mother
But the image of their life
Scarred deeply
Not that I wanted us to marry
Just that I wasn't his choice
I can't even stand living with him
Yet it hurt that he didn't choose me

Yes, he had been lying all along
That he didn't care about her
That he didn't love her
That he didn't want her
That he worried about his reputation
That he actually cared about how I felt
That it hurt him that he made me suffer
No, it didn't

The act was so well crafted
That I even believed he was the victim
Even when the actions didn't match the words
But choices tell alot about a person
Yes, I was foolish
Only now do I realize
That the blindfold can be so thick
That you don't see your own hurt
That you can care about someone too much
That you forget to care about yourself
So blind that you don't see past the words

Usually, tears motivate my writing
But not today
Today, I have no words
Today, I can't describe my feelings
It's one of those dark days
Days of darkness in broad daylight
Days of searching for the obvious
But can't see a thing
Days I badly want to talk
But all ears seem to have vanished
Seems I can't catch a break
My actions are catching up
My bad decisions are catching up with me
I'm seeing the extent
To which I ******* up
People who love me
Don't even wanna be associated with me
No, not in public
No, not to their friends
To top it all off
I can't even catch a healthy break
From symptom to symptom
Or is it an illness they don't see?
All I know
Is that it's keeping me up at night
And worried all day

Dear America, I watch your movies
Not really yours,but ones your citizens make
I see so much, through the glasses they give us
The potential to grow there,the opportunities
The success others get there,the prosperity
The freedom you give people,to say just anything
The high standards that is the way of life
The wonderful life that's not so wonderful
And of course the vices,the pronounced vices

I want to visit America, to see the vices
I want to see the epidemics
The opioids that plague low income neighbourhoods
The teenage pregnancies,the many single moms
The runaway baby daddies owing child support
The anti vax campaigns causing more deaths
The racism,the police brutality that never ends
The gun violence,the schools that were shot at
The corruption that impedes crime reduction
Maybe see the jails that look so nice in movies

I want to visit America,to see the life
The hard work,the 80 hour weeks
The hard life,the two and three job workers
The posh life,the rich and famous entrepreneurs
The wanna be life,the glamourous famous celebs
The fake life,the not so famous influencers
The tough life,the expensive parenting options
The long school life,the lifetime student loan debt

I want to visit America,experience the government
The tough,manifesto or is party driven elections
The many legislative houses with all the power
The complicated levels of government
The many types and divisions of police
The thousands of investigative bodies
The powerful uniformed and  ununiformed forces
The well trained millitary and intelligence agencies
With others that don't work inside the country

I want to visit America,to see the law
To experience the precious 1787 constitution
To see the thousands of Acts of parliament
To see the high,or is it low,taxation rate
To see the ease,or is it difficulty,in doing business
To see the rights that y'all keep talking about
Maybe even get to say 'I know my rights' too
See the liberal,or is it conservative, court system
The just jury system, the courtroom theatrics
Maybe even get to sit and watch

I want to visit America, see the healthcare system
The huge well equiped hospitals,
The well oiled health insurance machine
See the doctors who spent a decade to be an MD
The many specialist professionals in healthcare
Maybe even get what y'all call a physical
The exuberant cost of getting treated
Maybe understand Medicare and Medicaid
The strong powers of the medical boards
Maybe even see the need for malpractice insurance

I want to visit America,see American products
Feel the prestige y'all place on labels
The one word labels that say it all
The extensive creative marketing culture
The brands  that don't need an explanation
Target. Mcdonalds. Macy's. Prada. Walmart.
The pricing that's always exclusive of tax

I want to feel American life
The good looking, desirable social amenities
The importance of zip codes and school districts
The restaurant,swipe right, smart devices culture
The borrowing, property ownership loan culture
The credit card,cashless freeing bill payment culture
The creditworthiness of good credit
The judgements on criminal record holders

I want to experience
The feeling your actors exude so well
Someday. Maybe.

I had forgotten about you
I'm sorry

I had forgotten
That you are always there for me
That you are the only one
Strong enough to pull me out of the ditch
That your finger will always point
At the right direction
That you are my voice of reason
That you are my very needed dose
Of uncontaminated sanity
That you are where strength is abundant
And I only needed to tap into it
That you are where I should look to
To find myself again
I now know
That silence is not absence
And that you are the reason
I will not make this mistake again
Because you'll always be there
To redirect my focus

I'm sorry
But thank you.

You ask how I am
I want to tell you Not fine
Then you'll ask What's up
Not because you wanna know
But because it's routine
And if you wanna know
It's because you are curious
Yes, you don't care at all

I want to tell you what's happening
But then you'll judge first
Or probably not pay attention
To you it's the flow of conversation
Not one you want to have
You'd rather it stopped at a fake 'I'm fine'
And when you do pay attention
It's because you want a story
To use at your next gossip session

You want to know
For the mere purpose of knowing
It wouldn't make a difference
If I was fine or not
Neither would it matter
If I lied about how I'm feeling
Why do you want to be my friend
If you don't want to be my friend?

You may not have a partner
To talk and share stories with
But you don't have an extra adult
To take care of their every need

You may not have financial help
To fend for your child
But you don't have extra bills
To take from your little income

You may not have an extra set of hands
To help with the housework
But you don't have an extra human
To clean up after and cook for

You may not have an extra set of ears
To listen to your stories and whinings
But you don't have an extra mouth
Whose complains you have to listen to

You may not have someone
To make you feel good
But you don't have an extra someone
To make look good

You may be lonely
But it is less effort
When it's only you

In the midst of company
We will be sitting
Half listening half talking
Not concentrating
Not giving it our all

We want to give the most
Utmost attention to devices
Devices that give us joy
While stealing our humanity
Stealing our reality
Replacing it with fake
A fake we immediately embrace
Making it our reality

We are busy creating
Versions of ourselves
Personas created in devices
Behind camera lenses
Infront of photo softwares
Through internet connections

Without our devices
We barely survive
We are addicted
Without knowledge
Of our deep rooted addiction

We are dependent
Not just on power
But power in our hands
Giving us ability
To be anything
To be everything
Everything we are not
Slowly losing ourselves
To a life of want and need

Needing that fix
Infront of a bright screen
Like morning coffee
We open our eyes to screens
Like a nightly novena
We close our eyes to screens

Do you know
How much you are loved?
I would say to the moon and back
But that's a little too cliche
Truth is
It's hard to define how much
Because love for you increases daily
With the little things you do
And the more love you show

They used to say
That you are disorganised
That your notes don't have order
That you get confused at times
That you mix up things
And I used to defend you
Out loud and in my head

I used to say
That you are a busy woman
That you are a multitasker
That you juggle alot at once
That you are ambitious
That you have so much going on
That you work hard and long
That's how I wanted to see you

But even as I defended
I knew it was true
I just didn't want to hear it
In my head you were super woman
I saw you in ways they didn't
I knew you a little more than they did
And I believed in you even more
Some thought you were my mother
Yes, in a way you mothered me
In a way my own wouldn't

How amazing
The trust you have for me
Even after I dissapoint

How incredible
The love you have for me
Especially in my angriest moments

How lovely
The way you hold on to me
When my attention is miles away from you

The way you get under my skin
The way your actions graze my nerves
With every little thing you do

The way you touch my heart
The way I beam with pride
With every small progress you make

The way I struggle
The way I gather patience
With each button you push

How fulfilling it is
To achieve that progress
In the smallest measure
In the largest proportion

It's not just love
But unconditional love
It's not just commitment
But undying commitment

You are so focused
On something else
On someone else
So far from your reach
So out of your control
Someone who's not looking
Or caring for you
Someone who's not aware
Or concerned for you
Something that you don't have
Something that is not available
To have or to touch

That you are missing
All that is close to you
All that is available, reachable, tangible
You are missing
The joy that comes from appreciating
The peace that comes with satisfaction
The comfort that comes with acknowledging
That you are loved, that you have love
That you are cherished, you are cared for
That you have something, you have them
Right under your nose
Where you made a non existent blindspot
That you may go chasing 'happiness'

It is surprising
How I'm currently helping you
When I'm constantly hating you
Giving you a scarce resource
That I want to use myself
Yet I'm sharing this with you

You bring out my irritant self
Not sure what it is you did
But everytime I see you
On my door
Or even in my line of vision
I'm always willing for you
To go away
And never come back

Sadly
You are always coming back
Maybe because you work next door
Always hovering around me
Needing my help
One way or another
Yet never appreciating the help

Always wanting
Something I always give
Especially when I don't want to
Maybe I'm a nice person
Or I'm just a coward

People talk about you alot
I rarely pay attention
But when someone I respect
Talks trash about you
I gotta pay attention
And heed to every warning

You are a major gossip
Talking about everyone
Talking about everything
Never once saying anything nice
Never even paying
For my services rendered
I wonder why I entertain you
Maybe I'm a nice person
Or I'm just a coward

I wanna be the woman who calls
Not because I'm expected to
But because I want to
The one who remembers the details
Of the things you say
Of the events and activities
The one who remembers the dates
Not because I'm expected to
But because I was listening
The one who looks closely
At you and yours
At your feelings and emotions
The one who catches your discomfort
Way before you speak of it
The one who catches your joy
Just before it launches
The one who listens to what you don't say
The one who knows when you don't wanna speak
The one who knows when to listen and not talk
The one who knows when to support
When to critique and when to criticize
The one who does it all with love

I looked at her as she spoke
With so much confidence
Laughing and making sarcastic jokes
Unaffected by my presence
Not caring that I was new to her
Not caring that she didn't know my name
****, why was I even caring?
Wasn't I just a stranger among her friends?

I'd seen her as she walked by
On a morning I didn't wanna be up
On a day I didn't have motivation
I barely gave her a glance as she said hi
Then I'd had an urge to look again
But she was gone
I couldn't understand my feeling then
I had never wanted more than a hi before

But I'd wanted more from her
I'd wanted to hear her speak again
I'd wanted to look at her messy hair
Which she'd hidden with her beanie hat
I wanted to really see her
More than behind the camera lens

When I conversed with her
She gave me something I needed
Something I didn't know I needed
She gave me the reason for dragging myself
From my bed and from my misery
To come meet her that day
Without knowing I would leave happy
She gave me a dose of short and sweet
A weekend I wished could last longer

I liked her before I knew her name
I loved her when she challenged me
Harder when she pushed me to love
I knew I was in too deep as she said
"Isn't it the best feeling ever? "
I fell in love as I said goodbye
I gave her my heart silently as she left
Not knowing whether I'd see her again

Days fade into nights
Weeks into months
Months into a year
My heart breaks
Tears run down
There's no evidence
There's no hope

You wiggle and wiggle
Kicking and waving
Rolling and turning
You struggle to keep them closed
It is simple, but hard to you
My heart breaks
Tears run down
Cause I struggle with it too

I sit watching you
Thinking
Imagining
Dreaming
Hoping
For a change in this life
A future to be proud of
With evidence and exhibits
Of our struggles and efforts
And memories of the pain
To put smiles on our faces

I love it
I hate it
I enjoy it
I loathe it
I give it my all
Sometimes I don't wanna give at all

It warms my heart
It breaks my heart
It brings me joy
It brings me pain
It strengthens me
It weakens me
I'm great at it
Sometimes I don't know how it should be done

It is fun
It is boring
Days are incredible
Nights are hell
I appreciate it
Sometimes I wish it'd never happened at all

I don't want to leave
But staying hurts

I don't want to admit it
But denying it also hurts

I don't want to face it
But ignoring it is hard

I don't want to think about it
But avoiding it is difficult

I don't want to feel it
But can you really get rid of feelings?

If I had lots of money
I would buy you a house
Right by the airport
So you would watch planes
Like you said you wanted to

If I had lots of confidence
I would open my heart to you
I would let it go to you
So you can love me as deeply
As you wanted to

If I had lots of faith
In my life and future
I'd open up the doors
To my house for you
So you would clean up the vices
That you wanted to

If I had you
I would envision every day
With you and next to
Me and my delicate heart
Then I wouldn't hurt anymore
Because you said I shouldn't

There is fun in illicit
There's excitement in illicit
There's a fulfilment in covert
It is sweet
Not like honey
Or sugar
But like a drug
Like alcohol

Alcoholics will tell you
That alcohol is sweet
While they close their eyes to swallow
Drug addicts will tell you
That taking drugs is exhilarating
While they are prisoners to their addiction

It's sweet
But it destroys
It's livens up a person
But it brings unimaginable pain
It draws
Like a mosquito ******* blood
It bonds
Like a mother to her child

I love
I care
Deep today
Deeper tomorrow
You
Making my body thrill
Making my heart race


I'm not for you
You're not for me
I never know
Your feelings or self
An amazing mystery
Hiding from all
In plain sight

I wouldn't dream at all
Let alone wanting you
There's always more
To the surface
To the face
To the act
To you

So
I'll stay
I'll stay away.

I love having firsts with you
It's not an achievement
It's a fulfilment

I love new adventures with you
They don't just fill me with joy
They fill me with life

I love making you happy
It doesn't just make me happier
It reminds me of how I should be loved

I love making you feel loved
Not because it's the best you've ever had
But it's a measure of how much
You should have been loved

I'm going to dream about you
I'm going to put you at the centre
Of fantasies that may never come true
I'm going to mould you
Into that which I would want to have
I'm going to give you all the love, and care
That I would want to give
I'm going to put you
Exactly where I would want you to be
But I won't tell you about it
No, I'm not going to take that chance
This, will only exist in my head

You hear sadness in my voice
And you ask if I'm okay
You know I'm not okay
Since you pride yourself
With knowing me so well
You ask again if I'm really okay
Waiting. Expecting. Wanting.
To hear the lie come out my mouth
With the specific words 'I'm okay '
You know I'm not
But you still ask

Tell me dear, Do you really care?
Do you really wanna know?
Does it even matter?
About how exactly I feel?
Would you rather I lie?
It doesn't, does it?

Truth is, you don't want to
To know what lies in my heart
To take your time and concern
To deal with my inner issues
To really be my friend
To do the work that is
You say you care
But you really don't

I saw it when you said nothing
I saw it when you said something
I saw it when you shrugged it off
When you didn't wanna talk about it
When you said you didn't know
You didn't know how you felt
When you said that all that mattered
Was. Us. Now.

I saw it when you couldn't define us
I saw it when you refused to define us
I saw it when you wouldn't define us
When you dodged all questions
Questions to establish my place
My place in your messy life
A life you shrugged off upon

I saw it when you didn't want to accept
I saw it when you refused responsibility
I saw it when you assumed I knew
Assumed I knew what you wanted
Yet you didn't know it yet
You couldn't pin point it exactly
Because you didn't want to

I saw it when you didn't choose me
I saw it when you gave excuses
I saw it when you said you cared
Yet you wouldn't choose me
When you chose to look away
When you were taking steps back
When in actions you were away
Yet in words you said you were here

I had always known
That you would choose me not
But I hang on
Hoping for more
Wanting more
But wasting so much more

I tend to read too much into things
To see so much in a simple gesture
To overanalyze stuff
But this time I won't
I will wait for the words
And if they don't come
I will not go looking
I will not force them out
Because if they really are to come
They will

I'm going to call you LG
Not because you're a Lyrics Guru
But with you my Lyrics Grow

You give me a Line to Ground
You'll catch me as I fall
You give me Landing Ground
I can drop myself on you

With you I won't settle on Lower Ground
You'll push me to climb higher
With you I'm Laser Guided
I see myself. I focus on me.

With you I don't need Luxury Goods
Simple is bliss
With you there's no Liar Game
Truth is the way

You light me up like Liquid Gas
With you I don't need Lip Gloss
I'm always shining
With you I don't wanna Let Go

I'm going to call you LG
Not because you're a Lyrics Guru
But because you're my Lyrics Guru