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Kristie Townsend Jul 2017
Patiently I wait for the pain to stop

For the blackness to overwhelm my fractious senses

For death to soothe my destroyed emotions

For silence to put an end to my indifferent pretenses





But even drug induced comas

or the chance of life, twice

Nor leaving my children or those who proclaim to care

are enough to make me want to remain here





I lost my daddy, Eric, Mr T

I betrayed myself & fell apart

I thought the DNA results would set me free

and mend my broken heart



but the universe unfolds, as indeed it should

although not always as we'd like or desire

and one day when I look back on this episode of life

I'll see that it was simply not my time, yet, to expire
Kristie Townsend Jul 2017
I begin to heave, to choke

Surprised? why? own fault!

Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!



No one knows the true extent of my pain

Or how this self harm feeds my own shame

And, how I only have myself to blame



Sometimes, I even forget to chew

Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging

In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew





Its a welcome release, a relief

I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief

But just seconds later, those old hatreds return

Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!





New ways to release negatives are what I need

To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead

"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"

"just for a little while, so I can feel well"





When I can not throw up

I know what I must do

Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot

And then Find a quiet loo



If they should fail to work

I always have amphetamine to give me a perk

'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke

And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke





I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy

I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat

Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****





So until I find a cure

whilst my emotions remain raw

I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore

Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more





If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN

YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN

He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed

He would never have played, the cruel games that he played





He would still be here, holding me tight

Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight

Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night

Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight





But I pushed him away, with my self abuse

Ha! or at least that was his excuse

He wasn't strong enough to see it through

He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do





So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile

for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while

One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal

I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole




Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate

I must seek HELP now, before its too late

I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape
Kristie Townsend Jul 2017
here to go from here?

Nowhere, is my greatest fear

Old habits die hard

Even harder for the emotionally scarred



Whom should I trust?

Will I know the differenence between love and lust?

Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had

Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad?



What does my future hold for Kristie?

from ties that bind, will I finally be set free?

Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me?

Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady?



I feel as though I am in limbo

I don't know in which direction to go

Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow

Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know



said goodbye to some old faces

cya to some friends I thought I could trust

spend my time visiting lots of new places

keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST!



welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co

I love them like my family, I want the world to know

and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there

Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow



They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get!

They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said

I think of them and they of me, each and everyday

Always honest, forever true, they never push me away



So some good has come from the bad

Happier times now begin, following on from the sad

Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully

Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully
I wish you were still here,
but I'm kinda glad you're not,
you'd see the miserable excuse,
of a man I have become.

I love you so much,
I wish our hands were,
intertwined tightly,
your head on my chest.

I miss you, y'know?
You had all of my heart,
all of me, period you had,
it hurt like hell when you left.

You probably had to leave,
couldn't keep me in your life,
with all the family drama,
but I understand.

If you could have kept me you,
would have kept me,
but it doesn't stop the pain
of you not being here with me.

I miss you, y'know?
I love you.
I think Johnny Cash and I know a thing or two about everyone we know leaving us in the end...
Kristie Townsend Sep 2016
I feel numb, stuck, trapped
My insecurities get worse each day
I miss my extroverted self
I don't know where I've gone?

I'm existing;  not living
I'm not unhappy, I am not sad
I'm apathetic : neither here nor there

No movement,  nothing changes
Yet my life, my home, myself ...
Have changed beyond recognition

I am using this nothingness to heal
Educate, restore, fix, mend
In the stillness, I find my soul
My brain refuses to acknowledge it

Mindset is in quandary,  undecided
Body is aging before my own eyes
Soul is vulnerable , yet open
Honesty is blunt, uncomfortable for some, but necessary

Old friends question and probe
New friends acquired along the road
Baggage weighs heavy
I can not put it down

These are the ramblings of the mentally unwell
Emotionally unstable, is my label
I wear it well: you really couldn't tell
Unless you are reading this

I'll pretend and disguise the panic in my eyes
Censor my language, no triggers spoken
Not to alarm, not to self harm
Just keep quiet, be good, continue to be misunderstood
Kristie Townsend Sep 2016
24.07.07 - by Kristie Townsend
3 October 2009 at 17:36

In a darkened pit
a space in which I seem to fit
despair, fear, my escorts here
and paranoia chased hard at my rear

been given a label
a title, of which I am quite able
to stick upon my frowning forehead
whilst still wishing I was dead

suicidial emotions
irrational words spoken
secret ritual, daily self harm
like starvation and cutting my arm

plaster on that fake grin
take it all on my chin
never to surrender, never to give in
for I am merely another child borne of sin
Kristie Townsend Sep 2016
cutting ties that bind - by Kristie


So I cut myself with a knife

just to see if I can still feel any thing in this pathetic life

But I feel nothing at all

as I watch my crimsom blood fall



I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in

nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing

I fantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate

self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state



Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes

but as if mocking me, I have to wait

relief comes at a price, a deadly cost

and reminds me of all that i've lost



tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me

I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free

one last slice, just to ensure

deep across artery, my blood pumps no more
#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalhealthawareness #suicideprevention #myjourneythroughmadness #LETSTALK #semicolonproject #mentalhealthawareness #endstigma #RethinkMentalIllness #Addictionkills
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