written by Kristie Ledwith Townsend in 2007, about my Eating Disorder.
17 May 2012
MY QUEST TO BE THIN
I begin to heave, to choke
Surprised? why? own fault!
Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!
No one knows the true extent of my pain
Or how this self harm feeds my own shame
And, how I only have myself to blame
Sometimes, I even forget to chew
Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging
In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew
Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew
Its a welcome release, a relief
I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief
But just seconds later, those old hatreds return
Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!
New ways to release negatives are what I need
To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead
"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"
"just for a little while, so I can feel well"
When I can not throw up I know what I must do
Buy Laxatives, how many? - a lot
And then Find a quiet loo
If they should fail to work
I always have amphetamine to give me a perk
'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke
As to the ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke
I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy
I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy
For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat
Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****
So until I find a cure
whilst my emotions remain raw
I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore
Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more
If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN
YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN
He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed
He would never have played, the cruel games that he played
He would still be here, holding me tight
Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight
Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night
Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight
But I pushed him away, with my self abuse
Ha! or at least that was his excuse
He wasn't strong enough to see it through
He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do
So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile
for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while
One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal
I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole
Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate
I must seek HELP now, before its too late
I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape!