i look at the sky
tiny dots amongst
nothing
blank space
outer space
the tiny dots appear to flicker
they exist as
only source of light
if the night bears no moon

i see distant heavenly bodies
burning hotter than a thousand campfires
a million matches
they burn blue
red
white
across the void of the galaxy
light traveling billions of miles away
in some predestined way to reach my retinas
i try to process the idea of exactly how much space
space needs to take
i can't comprehend the simple complexity of this universe
nor fathom the vastness of it
working like a preprogrammed machine
it bares little creatures in a water-filled planet
they have their own little worlds
their own little stories
separate from the narration
that keeps together the force of gravity

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
the same One
Who crafted each gaseous heavenly body
each He knows by name

don't you realise that the fire inside of you
burns hotter than a thousand suns
a billion supernovas
you burn not only red, white, and blue
hues can't quite describe
the brilliance of your mind

i try to process
how much space
it would take for me not to feel your warmth
i can't comprehend your simple complexity
the constallations in your eyes
change every night
because each day
you're a new mystery
for me to fathom

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
why wouldn't He make someone
just like them
someone who shines brightly
to cut through the darkness
why wouldn't He?
but ah
He already has
don't you ever forget
that He already has

Without even trying
She commands my attention
Her body and mind
The worlds most beautiful inventions
And I have every intention
Of showing her
Just what a masterpiece
Every inch of her
Is.

thursdays are special
not because of some superstition or tradition
but because it's that one day of the week
our schedules allow us to meet
not in between classes like the rest of the other days
it's a day we have, more or less, to ourselves

on thursdays we go out to the restaurant
where strange things have happened
we watch a movie
may it be in theaters
or through the glass of your laptop screen
sometimes we just lie on your bed
until our heartbeats sing the other to sleep

i like thursdays
but i know you haven't been your best lately
like the whole world is swallowing you whole
and everything leads you to jump off the 25th floor
but please don't go
we still have adventures to go on
giants to conquer
movies to watch
strange moments to experience
we still have more thursdays together

10:23: Hey, I miss you.
11:47: I hope you're okay.
1:19: Please text me back, I'm worried.
2:10: Come back. Come back. Come back.
3:14: I'm so sorry.
3:26: I love you. Please reply.
3:58: Okay, well I'll be here if you need me.
4:17: I love you.

He never replied, but I'm still waiting.


          

                                 B.S.

Im tired.
I'm really ******** tired.
I'm tired of the lies.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of not being enough.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I'm tired of being heart broken.
I'm tired of caring too much.
I'm tired of hiding my feelings.
I'm tired of running away.
I'm tired of being used.
I'm tired of being manipulated.
I'm tired of being pushed around.
I'm tired of feeling weighed down.
I'm tired of being me.

I'm
    so
        ****
              tired


                                 B.S.

not roses nor tulips
not the smell of the wind rushing through your face
on the first day of spring
not the smell of newly cut grass
that fills your lungs with a new day

freshly squeezed orange juice
in the country side
not lemonade
even with the aid
of the scent a bright summer's day

not lazy sunday morning
when the rain would fall
and you'd scurry to the crook of your bed where you body fits
perfectly

not the earthy scent
of bonfires when the sun shys
from the twilight sky

not the afternoon walk you take
with all the time you have to yourself
you see a butterfly
it flutters
and you suddenly feel it in your stomach again

not even the scent of that four-letter-word in the air
can compare
and even above
all of that, i'm telling you
nothing smells better
than the person you love

but i don't need to prove my intelligence to you

i used to be in love once
with someone
i thought only i
could love the way i did

i used to be in love
or at least what i thought love was
because i held her smile
with both of my arms spread wide
like my wrists were nailed
to the corners of her lips

whenever we said our goodbye's
i felt like a part of me
was taken away
and the hole that was left in my chest
was, as i convinced myself, one only she could fill again

i gave her everything
but i rubbed my eyes with salt
to mask the truth that she didn't care to do the same

i used to be in love once
with someone
i thought only i could love the way i did
but no matter how much i studied her
studied her every move
i never learned that to be in love
is not the same
as to just
love

because you never asked me
to be your saviour
i don't need to hold up your smile with my wrists
because yours would appear
whenever mine would light up your world

we'd say goodbye
and you'd carry a part of me
as i carry a part of you
and from then on
it became something we both shared
something
that encompasses any distance between us

i felt like i gave you nothing
but you tell me
that all you need
is me

they say i'm foolish
to rush a love like this
but i didn't seek it
the complete opposite rather
i pushed you away
and you pushed me away
but here we are

they say
you're not what i think you are
it may or may not be true
nevertheless, the response is
"shut the **** up. to hell with you"
because for once
i think this love is good for me

there will be time in your life
when nothing seems to work
when all the pain you can muster up in your wrists
will not be nearly enough to shoot endorphins through your veins

when you don’t know if the choking feeling in your throat
is because of the pills you downed in a heartbeat
or the recurring thought of “i’ll never be good enough”
of “maybe i should just **** myself”

when the sadness has drilled too big of a hole in your chest
that your nerves can’t seem to send your brain signals
that pain has flooded your entire system
shutting down not only your organs
but also your ability to move
to speak
to think

when your highs seem like mountains to climb
and your lows just another step forward
to fall into the neverending trance
of the sensation upon reaching the bottom

you just want everything to stop
you want your atriovencular valve to cease its motion
your aortic valve never to open again
to never close again
there will be no more isovolumic contraction nor relaxation
the beat at which your heart dances to keep you alive

you want it all to stop
maybe it will keep you from life’s ups and downs
you want a flat line
no rising action
no falling action
you want nothing
you want to be nothing
or you just want to be happy

but if there are no ups, no downs
no contactions
no relaxations
when your heart has flatlined
that means you’re dead
and no amount of epinephrine will bring you back

just take a shock to the system
please, whatever you do
don’t sign for a DNR
“do not resuscitate”
take a shock to the system
to remind you that being around
is actually pretty worth it
that pain
that suffering
they give beauty to life
they are the beauty of life
that you’re the beauty of someone else’s