Friends, flirting, fun times
It’s been so long since I felt this way.
She pulled me in close,
but she let me down gently.
So I suppress, contain, at times restrain
my love for her.
It’s painful to hang on,
we still have great times together.
I know our friendship is strong.
I want her in my life
I tell myself I will NEVER find another
I tell myself there will be another
I tell myself I will Never find another
I tell myself there Will be another
I tell myself I will never find another
Time will take what time needs
to lead me through this.
So I suppress, contain, at times restrain
my love for her.
I tell myself I WILL find another.

The first time I realized my feelings for you,
I tried to imagine what we would be like.
I would always hit the obstacle
Built to protect me from more rejection,
Contain the feelings of loneliness
My way to cope, sustained life
You found the secret entrance
And touched my heart
You have invited my imagination
To blend with yours
A true since of happiness
Puppy like excitement has reentered my thoughts
I am grateful to be on this adventure

The light at the end of the tunnel is visible.
My mind is racing, but I have a calmness of relief.
I’ve given all I could to those I love.
One more sun rise to warm my soul
before my body goes cold.
I’ve caused enough pain
Mostly to myself
If only I could find the strength
To live without fear
And be the woman within.
I blame no one but myself,
For I am a coward
One more sun rise to warm my soul
before my body goes cold.

Existing but not fitting in
Simply moving through time

Hoping for love, though
knowing forever to be alone

Friends & offspring are my life line

Simply moving through time
Existing but not fitting in

I disagree with " Live for today, Tomorrow may never come"

Love does not live today,
so I live for tomorrow.

Today does not exist,
my heart and mind want a different life,
so I live for tomorrow

Live endless love,
be loved endlessly.
Live exclusion,
be excluded.

I'm neither one individually,
but both, all the time, ME

Always in fight or flight mode. Seldom able to relax.
Fight to get up in the morning but Flight from the fear of being late.
Fight to present as gender labeled, Flight to hide true gender.
Fight to be apart of Society, Flight from being discovered.
Fight to accept myself just as good, Flight the urge to give up.
Fight to express strength, happiness, a sense of peace,  Flight from fear of being labeled negatively, being seen as less than, treated special as if there is something wrong with who I am.

My heart breaks, Someone I have never met committed suicide today. (June 23, 2015) I'm told she had felt particularly despondent recently after extended unemployment. She described being unable to afford basic necessities or transition-related medical care, as well as being hurt by social rejection, yet also recalled better times when one of her greatest joys was to make others smile and laugh. Planet earth lost another beautiful soul due to the pain of social rejection. People open your minds, your hearts and see the beauty in each other. Cherish the diversity that each soul adds to your life. Simply love . . .

Born He,
Discovered She within,
Express her, teased, laughed at, pain,
Hide, act like the other little boys,
Smile, battle the pain, just be happy.
She moves within the shadows.

A shimmer of light, home alone,
A chance to grow, express her,
Caught, rejected, pain,
Hide, act like the other young men,
Smile, battle the pain, just be happy.
She moves within the shadows.

Married, wife, children, life is wonderful,
Baseball, Barbies, basketball, XOXO
Hide, act like the other husbands/dads,
Smile, battle the pain, just be happy.
She moves within the shadows.

Marriage issues, stress, depression,
Open up, wife confused, sad, sicken,
Rejected, pain, world collapsing,
Hide, act like the other husbands/dads,
Smile, battle the pain, just be happy.
She moves within the shadows.

Divorce on the horizon, feels like death,
Pain, hide, be strong in front of kids,
Smile, battle the pain, just be happy.
She moves within the shadows.

Seek help, Jesus, therapy, Trinity UMC,
Strong growing support, acceptance,
Others with pain, be Her,
Smile, battle the pain together, finding happiness.
She moves slightly out of the shadows.

Divorce still on the horizon, still feels like death,
Kids all young adults, happy, healthy, informed,
Out to them, accepted, love I've only dreamed of,
Smile, battle the pain together, finding happiness.
She moves out of the shadows a little more.

To Be Continued . . .

He woke this morning
Another night of her dreams

He glanced into the mirror
She’s not real it seems

Society unknowingly accepts
The image presented
Unaware of the damage
Being self-inflicted

He hides her for fear of rejection
She battles for her reflection.
______

Michelle Renee Milford
Nov. 2014