If not for hellopoetry
I would have given up
The writing was starting to take its toll
Left me emotionally exhausted
I was forced to take a break
For all my energy it had drained
Sleepless nights, endless lines
Trying to switch off my brain
Left me depressed
When sentences formed
A story I'd tell
About my life in hell
Sometimes dramatised to a new level
Sometimes I have seen myself become the devil
All my emotions that stain the page
The blood, sweat and tears
Written into each line
Left me losing moments in time
And for this writing became a crime
Didn't feel like I was utilising my mind
Until recently I realised this was the only legacy
I would leave behind
I've seen this art in a whole new light
Through words on a page, I've shown my fight
I've shown all my emotions, I have been totally open
Gave my all in every line
Sprinkled in a flavour of rhyme
If not for hellopoetry all I'd have is blank pages
A mind full of lines, forgotten in time
Took some time to unwind
And that is when I realised
These writings and I are bound for life
I've learned to embrace this now
Finally proud of all my works,
how has it taken me this long
To fall in love with this art
If not for hellopoetry
An appreciation I would never have tasted
And this whole community I've embraced it
Don't care if you love or hate it
It's made me make some changes
If not for hellopoetry
There are talents I may never have uncovered
Some of us are still so young,
Still, more room left to improve
The elder ones raising us up
Understanding a whole new love for this art
I once said These lyrics were written in blood
Straight from the arteries from my heart
That metaphorically speaking
I spread all I am, all across the page
Bled the led with what I felt  
So much heart into every verse
All this time it was never a curse
It was something special I've been gifted
To get all these thoughts out of my system
If not for hellopoetry
I wouldn't be here...caught within this poetic atmosphere

©2018 Written By Benji James

In your eyes I see where yonder lies
And delicate lips with rosy cheeks
Strewn with hair darker than new moon nights
Along a gaze plenty beguiling
A daughter of dulcet and regal
A fine niece for noble and faithful
To whom Aphrodite humbly kneels
Always your smile transcends enchanting.

Looking at me like I'm a ghoul
So treat me like a fool
And use me like a tool
But, I'll still act cool

I will not apologize for who I am
But I will for all the tears I caused you
Cast me like another sham
And I hope you know not, that what I feel is true

Naught am I charming
Neither enlightening or inspiring
In fact, I know I'm boring
But never know I walk a tightrope string

I'm happy to see you smile with someone else
Just a bit painful to know
that you never smiled at your best
even if I gave you all of my own

What you think is mere empathy
Is just a part of what the whole true
And what you call jealousy
Is what I call fear of losing you

If I was a demon,
And if she was a book,

She is indeed the most precious book
that I ever set my hands and laid my eyes on.

She is the most beautiful book
that I read, loved, love and I will always love
but will never have.

Such is the curse bounded to me,
forever bounded to the depths of leviathan.

She has taught me, a demon, two things
Nearly impossible things for a demon to learn...
How to smile and how to cry.

Below is my philosophy and such is my curse...
the definition of love and beautiful.

Things are beautiful because you can never have them

like the beautiful purple rose in a midst of blue and red roses
but can never reach the purple rose because the others will *****
        you to death

And if you must love, love with all your heart
but never expect anything in return

For you might be the only one who will love her that much,
but if your love goes not returned
it will hurt
so expect none
so it won't hurt more than this...

(I suggest read this slow and feel it HAHAHA)
Again,
she has taught me, a demon, two things
How to smile and how to cry...

I knew it
My past will be too hard for you to accept
I might never be as honest again as I was to you
I fear that curiosity killed the cat, but honesty killed my chance

But such is my resolve,
I may have lost my chance and it will hurt you
But if it will give you a chance to a happier or brighter future
then I don't mind throwing away this worthless life of mine

Please judge me not from the choices I made
when you never knew the choices I had to choose from
It's okay if you will never accept me, I'm used to it
But please don't forget that only I, only I love you this much

Believe me,
I am not so bad, when I have someone to love and protect
And truth is, everyone will hurt you perhaps more than I did
But, you just have to find the one worth suffering for... I guess I
        wasn't the one hahaha

I at least can say I bore no ill will
when I incidentally hurt you in the past
I hurt you not for selfish reasons
but purely out of love, to give you a shot at a brighter dream

I might be a monster to you,
a self-centered one
but it does not mean I don't have a heart.
But, I became selfless for your sake.

Don't worry I'm used to this pain and rejection
Being an option and being left out
I'm sick of it, but it makes me strong
I'm used to it, but it does not mean it doesn't hurt

Such is the fate of the monster...
to fall in love with people you can never have.

I met you by chance
Became your friend by choice
But when I fell for you, it was beyond my control
And being in love, perhaps be God's will - His punishment and His
         gift for me. But honestly, this too is my wish and will.

I want you to know I am just another chess player
Afraid to loose you, afraid to loose my queen on the chess board
I like your beauty, and value your person - that is how special you
          are to me
But it was your heart and soul, that I am in love with.

I once read...
not to "love too much, hope too much or trust too much
because that too much
is going to hurt you so much"

But I still choose to give you
my all... and still give you too much of this all
for I may be the only one who will ever love you like this
and I hope you remember me and appreciate my efforts

At the very least I hope
that if someday I die, I expect not you to shed tears for me
but at least remember me
and that I love you and I always will.

As I said,
"and as I fall, I will give you my all
you may not be the first, but I wished you are the last
and for you I will not rise above the rest, but rise above the best."

Remember it rains
because it's too heavy in the clouds
Tears too fall
because it's too painful to keep it in

Finally, let me lie in bed
and let me fall asleep and pray it be quicker
before I fall apart
before my tears fall

But remember I did give you my all
Guess just unlucky you didn't fall
But still know that one day if you need me
come knock at my door or message me and I will always welcome
           you with open arms...

The worst nightmare
was never being paralyzed in the middle of my sleep
nor waking up with blood-stained bed sheet
in the middle of the night.

The worst nightmare goes like this - just tonight
I tried to fall asleep hoping it's quicker -
and perhaps easier than falling apart - than tears falling down my
        cheeks
But still wake up just to cry in memory of her.

I wanted to return from the start
when I wasn't too honest
I want her to realize
just how much she means to me.

I wished she knew the sacrifices I made
that sealed my fate
I wish she knows what punishment I await
because I did this for her sake.

I know you already like someone else
Yet despite this fact
And despite denying you to myself every single day
nothing hurts more than lying to myself knowing I can't stop these
          feelings for you.

The saddest thing is that could have been me
perhaps if I wasn't too honest and didn't put my chance on the line
But this is the way I love - the way the Lord taught me to love
Strengthen my resolve, and love with all my heart no matter the
          cost, no matter the risk, no matter the return, no matter the
          pain.

But more than anything else if I must receive spare change,
I wish she knows I love her...
I loved her
love her and
will always love her...
I have always love her and forevermore I will - no matter the cost,
          risk, pain, return - this is what binds me to God, the way He
          loves me and the way I love as He taught me.

Even if my love goes not reciprocated,
Honestly, it was when I met you that I guess I really started breathing

I have always love you and I always will because a world without you is a world not worth living.

I love you "Circle".

The worst nightmare
is not a dream
that makes you cry
and ends when you wake up
but it is where you have to
wake up from bed everyday
feeling like crying
missing someone
and literally
living everyday as a nightmare
and only ends when you die.

God is the game master
I am the Chess player
I play the King and just like anybody else
I too am afraid to loose my most valuable piece - my queen.

She taught me, a demon, two things...
How to smile and how to cry.