I haven't talked to you in so long, so long that you'd think I'd forget,
that I'd forget the times you could capture my heart with a glance
My heart, damaged and scarred like your cheek
the thing under your eye that you thought caught everyone else's
because you were too vain to realize that everyone was staring
not at your cheek that you were so ashamed of,
but rather your irises so piercing,
reminiscent of the battles you had fought so fiercely
though you'd been in too much pain to realize it was you who had brought those problems upon yourself,
And when into my life you emerged, your anger and resent snuck in too
You'd insisted you needed me, but I grew to need you
Addicted, I couldn't exist without the reciprocation of the love I gave to you,
you taught me to manifest my insides on the outside
For yet another six months I never could exist without scars on my wrist
I hid them, ashamed, like you hid your scars on your face
We connected so well for so long, up until you became ashamed of me as well,
leaving the both of us to wallow in memories and things that remind me of your songs
A game, you played me like a ******* game
You convinced me I was the key to the lock you chained around your own heart
I thought you were the answer to my questions; you turned to create more that I still ask myself today.
Why shouldn't I cease to breathe? Will I ever be good enough? How much do I need to change? Is the only way to change this terrible existence ending it?
I could "fall" off that bridge we used to walk on when I wanted to see you and you insisted you missed me, too
I could jump from the tree we sat under last summer, holding hands while we watched the waves
I could even drown myself in that very water, the last thing I smell being the thing we used to relish in
No I only relish in the thought of getting carried away,
carried away like you said you had when you kissed him
I'll do what I want, not what you want
I want this in the same way you wanted him
I guarantee you you'll believe me when I tell you I'm okay;
I'll put on a better acting performance than you did for all our time together.
This is the first time in so long that my decision is dictated not by you, but by me,
In death I have control, and in ceasing to be I feel release
Thank you for teaching me what it feels like to love and lose,
Now just teach me how to let go as easily as you let go of me
Alas, after all,
If you talk, I'll listen to you
Something dumb/sub-par I wrote after a break-up when I was suicidal and still emotionally dependent on an evidently undependable person. A lot has changed since I wrote this, and I wanted to post it to show how bad things were and how far I've come. I'm pretty happy to say I'm completely over what happened now and I have been since last year :)