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May 2016 · 686
It's Been Months Now
Cloyd May 2016
I still find myself sad
I didn't want to take down your pictures
I miss the drawings you made for me of the times we had.
I miss you still, but not every minute;
I'm trying to move on, but every time I start to appreciate this life
I can't help but wonder how much better it would be with you in it.
I loved you, and I still do;
I wish the best for you and I hope you can have adventures
that can replace the bad memories with me and give you a life like new.
Untainted by my existence,
innocence regained and dreams sweet; not bitter regrets,
better yet a whole new world where I never wrote you songs and you never listened.
I still find myself missing you,
but what's worse is what I put you through.
I couldn't change fast enough for a soul as wonderful,
and adventurous, and pure, and as fast as you.
I still have dreams we're running across town,
racing to the beach, drinks in hand, and smiles on our lips.
I still seem to think subconsciously the reality in which we live
is one where you still love me.
I still find myself missing the feeling of your lips,
and the lilac smell of your hair.
If only I could have been as spectacular as you.
If only you were still able to see the wonder in me, too.
I'm sorry
May 2016 · 717
One Day
Cloyd May 2016
I miss you with every particle of my being
I am burning
I am dying
I still love you and I am trying to move on
All I want is to go back in time
To one day when things were good
A day when you and I were happy
Because we made each other happy
I just want one last day
One last kiss
One last time with you in my arms
One last day where you still love me
Just one day to spend with you
By my side and in my lap
Watching movies and cuddling
And loving each other as we once did
I want to wake up from this nightmare
And call you
Tell you a story
And know you still love me
If only you still did
I miss you so much
I really really do
I'm putting my poems back
Sorry I erased them
I miss you with 157% of my being
May 2016 · 321
Untitled
Cloyd May 2016
Our love was so innocent
so sweet
you were the sweetest thing I had ever seen
your eyes were full of wonder and so were mine
the future we'd have, all the happy times
now it burns in my heart
and defeats all intentions of ever getting better
I'm trying to heal
but all I can do is remember your letters
you loved me
I still love you
Apr 2016 · 347
Universes
Cloyd Apr 2016
I once said
"The multiverse theory suggests that there are infinite universes,
which means that, theoretically speaking, there is a universe that exists
that is comprised solely of you,
and I think that's beautiful."
Now all I can think of is that I wanna be in the one
where you still love me and we're still happy.
A poem about space and stars, which you say you think about too much but I would love to look at by your side one last time.
Apr 2016 · 262
Lonely
Cloyd Apr 2016
I'm so lonely
there's nothing for me to do
except to think of how much I miss you
I'm sorry for the swearing I'm sad but I edited it out
Apr 2016 · 364
Empty Promise
Cloyd Apr 2016
Empty promise
I suppose
the only empty promise either of us made
to one another
was each other
You promised me everything
I did the same
Now I am empty
Nothing to you
A meaningless name
Apr 2016 · 285
Ranting
Cloyd Apr 2016
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I HATE THIS
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I DON'T GET HOW YOU ALREADY STOPPED LOVING ME YOU TOLD ME YOU'D LOVE ME UNTIL THE STARS TURN COLD AND NOW THERE'S NOTHING BUT A ******* HOLE AND A BURNING SENSATION IN MY HEART
STOP MOVING ON JUST HOLD ON FOR A SECOND DON'T YOU SEE ME FALLING APART? OR DO YOU EVEN CARE ANYMORE?
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU LEFT FOR.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE
I edited it I was sand and angry and irrational and I'm sorry for being so yelly I never should and this is just the worst I'm so sorry I know you didn't lie I was so sad when I wrote this I know you care you showed that and I never shoulda doubted it but I still can't stop missing you you were so sweet and innocent and lovey I love you
Cloyd Apr 2016
You were my everything
now i'm your nothing
you loved me once
you never will again
not only were you my lover
you were my best friend
whether or not
you're in the arms of another
it doesn't matter
i'll never hold you in mine
i'll never forget our days together
not until the end of time
because that's when you said
that you would stop loving me
now i have to live in this reality
a hell you said would never be
Cloyd Apr 2016
I talked to you every day
for one year and two months and three weeks and four days
funny how that works out to be one two three four
but hey we were a phenomenon full of coincidences
and exceptions
but everything particular must decay
and when we finally broke apart
and you decided to leave
the blast lasted 6 seconds
and sounded at the frequencies:
61.74Hz for 1s
82.41Hz for 1s
65.41Hz for 2s
55.00Hz for 1s
and though these frequencies are low enough to bury me underground
the amplitude at which my heart broke
allowed your name to be heard the whole world round
funny how the first time I was able to emote
in so long
was when my heart broke
and you were gone
This hurts
Apr 2016 · 847
Untitled
Cloyd Apr 2016
You told me you loved me so much
no matter what you felt or where you were
you told me you would be my lovepug
my birdie, my lemur
and now seem to have no hesitation to leave
Apr 2016 · 208
Untitled
Cloyd Apr 2016
I still can't find the pieces of my heart you broke last week
I let you hold it as yours for so long and now it's missing
do you maybe still have a few pieces?
I can't seem to find it
would you wanna meet for coffee to trade pieces
and maybe make some peace and
maybe share some memories?
or do you think it's too soon to meet
Apr 2016 · 299
I Love You
Cloyd Apr 2016
Your face is displayed on the walls of my mind
clear and plain as day
and sacred as our bodies intertwined in the winter night
the only challenge of my life
is I wish there was a way to express this
this feeling of joy
this feeling of explicit and exclusive bliss
that spreads up throughout my body
like the mist which rolled through the field
that one chilly night in fall
where we finally said what we'd felt all along
Another old poem for you
with some imagery, just for fun
Apr 2016 · 284
I get it
Cloyd Apr 2016
I get that I'm a **** up
I get that I'll never be good enough
I get that no matter how hard I try
you'll always be there to criticize
Apr 2016 · 273
light
Cloyd Apr 2016
My feet planted to the ground
but my consciousness in the sky
my senses are on fire, so are my eyes
I want to tell you something
tell the world something but I can't spit it out
I hope I never come down
the ceiling is singing, my ears are ringing
and I hope I never exist
I hope there's nothing I miss
an elevated shoulder of bliss
which will not deny me the right
to slowly die
Apr 2016 · 248
Untitled
Cloyd Apr 2016
I DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU CAUSE IT WON'T TASTE THE SAME
NO I DON'T WANNA BE ACCOMPANIED BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE YOUR FACE
NO THEY WON'T KISS ME THE SAME
YOU ARE WHY I STILL KEEP MY NAME
YOU ARE WHY I GREW TO LOVE PIECES OF ME
THE LAST REASON I FELT A NEED TO BE SANE
Cloyd Apr 2016
do you maybe wanna grab some coffee some time
I know we can't leave after and go on our special walkway
and I know you asked if you could "please have some time"
but after all, we'll still be alone and have to go our separate ways
when it's all over
yeah, I'll still have tears in my eyes and that pain in my side
when we say goodbye
and when it's all over
Apr 2016 · 376
me
Cloyd Apr 2016
me
I just want to tell you
I am nothing without you
I'm sorry and I still love you
the only thing I need is you
the only one for me is you
Apr 2016 · 217
friend
Cloyd Apr 2016
I guess I'm just trying to be
the kind of good friend
that I'd like to have for me
Apr 2016 · 303
I'll never go outside again
Cloyd Apr 2016
You were why I liked looking up to the sky and being thankful I was alive
But our love is dead and so am I and I hope you can understand why I quit
Apr 2016 · 226
Untitled
Cloyd Apr 2016
I DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU CAUSE IT WON'T TASTE THE SAME
NO I DON'T WANNA BE ACCOMPANIED BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE YOUR FACE
NO THEY WON'T KISS ME THE SAME
YOU ARE WHY I STILL KEEP MY NAME
YOU ARE WHY I GREW TO LOVE PIECES OF ME
THE LAST REASON I FELT A NEED TO BE SANE
Apr 2016 · 273
I’M SORRY
Cloyd Apr 2016
ALL I WANT IS YOU I’M SO LONELY I’M SO ******* LONELY PLEASE COME BACK AND TAKE ME BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN YOU WERE MY LOVE AND I WAS YOURS I JUST WANT ANOTHER DAY IN THE WOODS TO SPEND BY YOUR SIDE BUT I PUSHED YOU SO FAR AWAY I PUSHED YOU SO FAR AWAY FROM ME AND NOT HAVING YOU IS RIPPING ME APART I’M SORRY I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T STOP LOVING ME PLEASE I MISS YOU YOU’RE ALL I WANT
ALL I WANT IS YOU I'M SO SAD AND I NEED YOU
Cloyd May 2015
A lie told a thousand times
is still a lie, only slightly harder to deny
the biggest lie anyone can tell anyone
yet such a little phrase shared between only you and her
something able to turn someone from freezing to
blazing and then back to cold again
it's able to turn off the light
leave you out in the night
so she can watch you fight off the tears as she leaves for no reason more
than her simple carnal desire that will eventually evolve into
the burning fire of a sentence that used to be exclusively used for you

"I love you"

How can one little line
cause a thousand other lines to burn red in your skin as you wonder if you're the only one she says it to?
How can something once so innocent and sweet
break down the walls you built up in your head
and cause you to take up residency underneath your sheets?

It's the one thing she never felt
and when you figured it out, you had already fell
it was too late and now you're on your bathroom floor and it smells like ****
and you're hoping your parents don't walk in, knowing you can't face them as you chase down your Zoloft with chemicals and pour them in the wounds that she cut into you
but you keep going on
hoping for a miracle
wondering if she'll feel something
wondering if you'll stop feeling
wondering if she even felt it in the first place
wondering why and how you even started in the first place

Breaking your heart
Never to be repeated
Impossible to deny
due to pink ribbon lines
made out of sight
More **** from when I was more depressed than I am now.
Apr 2015 · 545
What I Learned
Cloyd Apr 2015
I haven't talked to you in so long, so long that you'd think I'd forget,
that I'd forget the times you could capture my heart with a glance
My heart, damaged and scarred like your cheek
the thing under your eye that you thought caught everyone else's
because you were too vain to realize that everyone was staring
not at your cheek that you were so ashamed of,
but rather your irises so piercing,
reminiscent of the battles you had fought so fiercely
though you'd been in too much pain to realize it was you who had brought those problems upon yourself,
And when into my life you emerged, your anger and resent snuck in too
You'd insisted you needed me, but I grew to need you
Addicted, I couldn't exist without the reciprocation of the love I gave to you,
you taught me to manifest my insides on the outside
For yet another six months I never could exist without scars on my wrist
I hid them, ashamed, like you hid your scars on your face
We connected so well for so long, up until you became ashamed of me as well,
leaving the both of us to wallow in memories and things that remind me of your songs

A game, you played me like a ******* game
You convinced me I was the key to the lock you chained around your own heart
I thought you were the answer to my questions; you turned to create more that I still ask myself today.
Why shouldn't I cease to breathe? Will I ever be good enough? How much do I need to change? Is the only way to change this terrible existence ending it?
I could "fall" off that bridge we used to walk on when I wanted to see you and you insisted you missed me, too
I could jump from the tree we sat under last summer, holding hands while we watched the waves
I could even drown myself in that very water, the last thing I smell being the thing we used to relish in
No I only relish in the thought of getting carried away,
carried away like you said you had when you kissed him
I'll do what I want, not what you want
I want this in the same way you wanted him
I guarantee you you'll believe me when I tell you I'm okay;
I'll put on a better acting performance than you did for all our time together.
This is the first time in so long that my decision is dictated not by you, but by me,
In death I have control, and in ceasing to be I feel release
Thank you for teaching me what it feels like to love and lose,
Now just teach me how to let go as easily as you let go of me
Alas, after all,
If you talk, I'll listen to you
Something dumb/sub-par I wrote after a break-up when I was suicidal and still emotionally dependent on an evidently undependable person. A lot has changed since I wrote this, and I wanted to post it to show how bad things were and how far I've come. I'm pretty happy to say I'm completely over what happened now and I have been since last year :)
Dec 2014 · 765
My Love Like War
Cloyd Dec 2014
For every molecule in the ever expanding universe,
(For every molecule of you that I wanted to burn like you burned my trust)
For every unit of energy converted,
(For every emotion converted from love lust to blood lust)
For every breath any living thing has ever taken,
(I wanted to cease the incessant sounds of the breaths you didn't deserve.)
For every second I looked at you,
(For every second I wasted on trying to focus my eyes hard enough so that my looks could burn)
Dreamed of you,
(Dreamed of your demise)
Hoped for you,
(Hoped for you to die)
I grew to fully and completely love you.
(I grew to fully and completely hate you)
All so suddenly.
All so suddenly
**I barely even noticed.
A poem for an old "friend". Read the normal text the first time through, then read the ones in italics the second time through.
Dec 2014 · 502
my recent thoughts
Cloyd Dec 2014
I love it when I get to be close to you
I don't mind it, just the opposite, actually
you are petite, and cute, and beautiful, and no matter what size you were I'd still love you the same

I love the butterflies I get every time you hold my hand
please don't mind my scars either, or my weird veins that stick out so much for some reason
or my ****** up nails
or the sweat that forms on my hands because of our body heat that's trapped underneath your dad's fuzzy blanket you stole

I love your tinted-teal blonde hair
you could do your hair in any way and you would still be the prettiest thing I saw all day
and I love your fading hair, because it contrasts with my smile that never fades when I'm with you

I am fascinated by you, your eyes, your skin, and your heart
All I wanna say when I'm with you is "*******, you're amazing"
and I will never touch anything you don't want me to, but don't worry about your stomach or legs, all I worry about is your eyes, because they **** me into their hold like the tv shows you love to watch
I have a hypothesis that you have your own gravitational pull despite how small you are

Kissing you is a gift, God I'm really thankful for that
you should know you're great at this, you're making me so happy
maybe if I didn't like kissing your lips so much I would actually care how chapped they may be

God, I really freaking love you.
You have every chance of me loving you back, and I do.
So believe it, beautiful.
I love you with all of my heart.
A response to Becca's poem. I love you so much. You're perfection.
Nov 2014 · 558
You
Cloyd Nov 2014
You
You
you walked into my life
unannounced yet so prominent and visible among the rest
and amongst all the unrest and panic and hazy smoke from ghosts of fiery emotions I could hear you, see you, understand you, feel you in my heart.... though I refused to admit it at the time.
This is a poem I'm not gonna finish yet, mostly because the inspiration and story behind it isn't finished yet. The person this is about knows who she is, and I'm 147% sure she's reading this. You're beautiful.
Cloyd Nov 2014
I've become so numb due to the unforgivable things I've done
And I know you'll still hate me by the end of this
but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm in searing pain every night
but I'm getting better during the day.
It was you who always said
"pills won't take the aches away
pills won't make you feel okay
pills won't get you through the day,"
and you were right, because my antidepressant was YOU.
But when you, unlike the medication, decided to walk away
I turned to the orange bottle
because it remains constant,
it is the friend you never were,
it is the lover you would never be,
it doesn't make promises it can't keep,
and it doesn't make me wonder every waking moment of my life whether or not this day is the one it leaves me.
No, that day won't come.
But it did with you.

And now, as I drown in sorrow that floods my eyes like the happiness that used to flood the burning and gaping holes in my heart,
you unregretfully, unrelentlessly bask in the memories of the sunny summer days we spent in the park,
lying with him and to him, wearing nothing but the t-shirt I gave you so long ago.
Whether you proverbially or physically slapped me in the face, it doesn't matter, because either way I'm lying here shaking and in pain,
with hate in my heart, and regret pulsing out of my veins onto the raw skin of my wrists.
No, there can't be a new dawn,
I don't see a new day coming
but I know you do, and that kills me the most.
And after all of our love-and-war tug-of-war ******* is over and done,
contrary to previous belief, I wasn't your only one.
I wasn't your hero,
I let you down,
and you won't even talk to me long enough for me to apologize.
This was a thing I wrote after the end of a long *** relationship and all I was feeling in the moment was regret and remorse for things I thought I did wrong. I was struggling with my guilt and self-pity conflicting with the fact the person I was with was a cold-hearted selfish ***** who wasn't mature or intelligent enough to deal with the reality of life.
Nov 2014 · 651
A Life Beside Evergreens
Cloyd Nov 2014
He is a tree swaying in a snowstorm in late autumn
A not-so-evergreen, with browning-red streaks all over his limbs.
Pushed around by the winds of the storm,
gasping for air and yearning for sun to give him the strength to stand,
only receiving more stress and pressure from sharp seasonal winds that seem to exist solely to shorten his year-round life.
Lack of oxygen and too many cuts leave pink, brown and yellow leaves on his limbs,
making him look out out of place among the rest.
The rest that evidently either don't care or just forget
that he once looked like them, acted like them, felt like them, but no more.
Of course there are always those that love the different ones,
sympathize, empathize, and emphasize the fact that beauty can exist in what is not conventionally beautiful.
But even the warmth from these good souls will often be diminished and become soulless when winter comes around.
A time in which one watches, with notches for eyes,
as the red and yellow and purple blotches that the select and wonderful few once loved decay and drain away.
He looks dead.
He acts dead.
He feels dead.
So he believes he is, indeed, dead.
And consequently, so does the rest of the world;
as it is a universal truth, it seems, that the way someone looks, and acts, and feels, determines what they are.
A fallacy; one that has caused the downfall and tragedy of humans and trees alike since the first man spoke and the first plant bloomed.
If a person is gone, it is best to forget and bury them, and if a tree looks dead, it is best to cut and burn it.
Of course, most trees tend to either stay green or spring back to life
after the dark days of winter, flourishing in the dog days of summer,
but every year it is a tree's biggest fear that he will be one of the black tragic few
who do not come back, due to being overshadowed by taller, fresher, better trees
that mother nature had more meticulously pruned.
No, his fear grew that he would never bloom,
he was one of the lesser ones,
outgrown and outmatched by those evergreens and ever-okays that needed less sun and love to carry on
intentionally blocking light from him, leaving only a few sadly relatable meek rays that cut through
the sharp pines like an even sharper knife.
They would shine down on him like a spotlight, or even better, a laser beam capable of lifting him up,
severing his roots to his past and bringing him up to face the public eye,
exposed and vulnerable to the judgement of his scraggly twigs for arms and thick trunk, leafless, better yet lifeless, a thing to behold in a depressingly pathetic light in the middle of the forest,
isolated and alone among a crowd of superiors, allowing any random passerby on a hike to look down on him in pity, as they learn what it is like to see something slowly, carefully, inevitably,

die.
A sappy (hah, a pun, **** me) poem I jotted down a few minutes after a thing went down. It's not perfect, but since it was written out of such extreme emotion I don't want to change it too much other than pruning it for grammar and spelling errors I might've made while writing in an overwhelmingly panicked haste (god forbid I ever write something good when I'm not going through pain). I hope you like it, cause I don't. Also, a message to my friend Becca: don't give up over this winter. I know life always ***** around this time for everyone and the personal stuff you go through makes that even more amplified, but I'll always be here for you to talk to, and I'll help as much as an emotionally unstable and depressed teenager possibly can :p Seriously though, if there's ever anything troubling you, I'll do my best to at least make it a little easier. I don't know what it is about you, but I care so much about you and I'd hate to see you get hurt or feel as bad as you have in the past. Stay strong :)

— The End —