I find out the precious life of yours is gone.
Denial screams back into my head.
No this is not true.
You cannot be gone.
I plead and plead on hands and knees crawling like a kicked puppy.
All in my head of course.
That's not the type of lady you want to be like.
A faint memory of my grandmother scolding me.
To me it fits the piece.
How dare I show uncontrollable emotions in public.
If public is considered my house that is.
I excuse myself that is what a lady must do a reinforced thought on proper etiquette that crosses the line of mental abuse.
I take a shower, the one place I can be left alone with my actual thoughts.
No tears come because denial is the only friend that doesn't abandon me.
I scrub and scrub my whole body.
I do this it wash away the stains.
The existance of you.
And all that did remain.
All the emotions that came from your lack of air.
I hold my breathe to feel close to you.
Useless I scream.
Another part of me dies tonight.
I deeply miss you.
In ways that my feelings cannot express.

If your love for me doesn't die, I'll be waiting here so don't you cry.
Cause I loved you once and maybe more in a different life time.
If we find our way back here it was meant to be.
I love you that's why you must go.
Cause we aren't right for the moment and that's why we have to say bye.
But I'll stand here till the ends of time.
Because our love is stronger than any storm that has come.
It doesn't rust but gleems.
I said I love you once maybe twice.
So go on and discover yourself.
We are not right for the moment but we will find each other in time.
No, I won't leave this spot.
I am keeping it warm for you.
So don't be gone for too long.

From a farm town they grew.
Daddy was a gambler, Drinker,
Cheater
Momma was mentally ill.
She smoked on the porch and counted the clouds.
Wishing to get away.
Daddy would stumble home mad after losing all his money.
The children would scatter,
Faster than their attacker.
One of them would grow up to be an almost track star.
The only tracks he does now are running up his arms.
Born into poverty self abuse is the only way to be.
Some may get out of it like his sister.
Who found a light at the bottom of a bottle.
But little Ricky didn't make it past twenty.
He always had good aim, who knew he would use it towards his head in blow away his thoughts?
Down in the ground he rots.
His mother soon to be.
Poor baby she wailes, down into the grave she dives.
What a tragedy this is.
Maybe the family down the street will have a better story to end with.

Please love me
That is all that I need.
Someone like you is all that I adore.
I don't care about your imperfections.
I need your dysfunctional love.
I am not right and it just works.
I say this wanting to desperately pour out my feelings to you.
I won't though.
I love myself more than to show you the parts I keep locked away.
Locked away in a cage the prisoner screams.
"Let me out!"
"No"
I look back into the mirror it's me again.
The inner me screams yet again knowing it has lost me.
I wipe a tear and get ready to leave the bathroom.
There is somethings that can't be said to the one you love.
Vulnerability is surreal.

I killed a bee today,
It reminded me of a classmate
Lost years ago.
I saw him leave with a smile,
A car ate his chest.
As mine
Killed a bee.
That's the problem with motorcycles
On the road;
In a car
Nobody notices,
Dragonflies,
Fireflies,
Regular flies,
Some misfortune cats
Tired of having so many lives.
I wiped a bee off my jacket,
Like I change the channel.

I sing Hallelujah in the shower.
I try to clean the inner and outsides of me.
Days go by and I find myself doing the same thing once again.
Will I ever be clean?

I killed myself last night
The end of the pendulum struck.
And the night hit 12 o'clock.
The answer was at the end of a bottle.
Where is the last pill?
I took it the last time I killed myself.
I should get some more future down this road.
Astray I scream before the coffin closes.
Speak well I whisper.
No don't.
Leave me like this rotting the way that I adore.
A forest of gold I search.
In a barron land of dust, I find nothing and I stay to rust.
Nothing more meaningful then this way to go.
Full of scattered people at my door.
Screaming no you can't do this once more.
You don't know me like I don't know you.
A faceless mass of people I don't know.
Someone screams I love you don't go.
You don't love me.
You can't? I sit and stew on this with my woes.
A knife to the chest I lay to rest.
It's my last time I yell to confess.
The end is near and I await.
I lived a life of all I can take.
Everything spins around.
As I am living outside abound.
A normal dream that kills me a little more.
Everynight when I head to bed the reacurring dreams come to life yet again.
It leaves me screaming this is the end.
But who really knows when?