The hurt I saw in my mother as she cried destroyed me.
I never felt so shattered as I looked into those marble eyes.
I saw all the pain and tortured she endured over the years.
I need to take it all away.
All the years my mother was hurt by love ones.
Was too much.
I saw the innocence die out of her hurts.
I carry her pain too.
I share her nightmares.
I don't mind it.
That way my mother isn't alone.
I love you so much.

I saw the pain in your eyes the night we left.
A tormented hollow look that chilled my soul.
All was lost in the grey eyes I saw.
Nothing screamed back in those **** eyes.
Too damage beyond repair.
Not even a reflection of a light from the living room glistened into your eyes.
A useless carnage of a human piece of meat was the way you remained that night.
I never felt lost until I couldn't see into those eyes.
Merky with pain and soon the apathy you will surely devlop.
All the love in the world won't save you my dear boy.
A crushed rib caged penetrates your heart, sticking fragments of the wreckage into your heart.
All is lost and I can't bare the thought of you being dead while you still breathe.
Your heart bleeds out.
Tainted as it is black.
Your no human anymore.
Just a ghost of a person I loved.
Still love with the mental affliction to see that there is something there.
My heart knows there is not.
But I can't burry you now.
I need you even if your not there.
More than ever.
Please help me.
**** me fast.
Loving you is killing me slowely with a repeative stake going in and out of my heart.
Please shed a tear it should be somewhere near.
That we must go and finally be put to rest.

Deep sorrows speak softly.

Forgive me sir for I am sorry I cannot take your hand.
I say sir instead of friend.
You once were a dear friend.
Now you resent me.
With your passive aggresive tone.
I told you I couldn't be with you to protect you.
You didn't understand that.
Why would you?
I love you but I would never be in love you.
I love you enough to not lead you on.
I would never be what you want in a relationship.
I would break your heart and **** off part of your life span.
I knew you would hate me in the end.
Either way it was inevtable to happen.
Yet I saved you from me.
Being with me isn't good for you.
I would **** you faster once the daster was set.
I really do love you sir.
So I must let you go and hate me.
It's the only way to protect you.
I still think of you and dream about you.
It's all for the best I tell this to myself alone in this empty house.

Self medication is the way to go.
It worked for my mother and it worked for her father.
It's in my genes to drink the pain away.
I give a toast to the ghost who has become my host.
To endeavor this cycle I suppose.
I speak to feel free.
No matter how depressioning it may be.
I drink to also feel free,
To be,
To see,
And to pass the time away.
I don't like the taste to say.
Harsh on my lips.
But it lights up my world.
In a drunk stupor sort of way.
I ramble.
Maybe to pass time.
Or be enlighten.
Who knows?
I just continue on.
Sorry grandmother.
I'm sorry that I didn't cry when you died.
But I was always the unwanted child from your baby son.
Red wine from a box you drank.
So do I.
Maybe we are more a like than I want to say.
If God is real,
You must be in hell.
I don't think God takes to kindly to your rude words to a preachers wife.
Or maybe he does and your a saint.
Who am I to judge?
I just sit back and sip in take in all the hateful words you said.
It's okay though.
Because of how you rasied my no good father I am able to glide by this earth not feeling hurt.
Tough skin situation sort to speak.
Just another drunk ramble.

I can't shake this emptiness feeling.
I carry it like a weight cuffed to my soul.
Oh, whatever shall I do?
I sit in class.
Thinking it could be my last.
Till the teacher says...
Emotionally detached you are sweetie.
How does she know?
I am flabbergased.
Don't worry she speaks.
You see I am the same.
Do not feel ashamed.
I cry out, I don't want to be like this.
She says it isn't bad. It is meant to keep you safe.
I want to love I scream with a tear.
Oh but you do honey she says.
Your body loves you enough to hide all the pain that's inside you.
You are more loved than you know.
Your body keeps you from breaking your soul.
I understand after I had time to consider.
Putting my hand on my heart to hear a whisper.
Nothing echos back.
She tells me to close my eyes And count to three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Open.
Read pages 28-76 on Personality Disorders.
I'll see you I'll in class Wednesday.

My obituary is pre written.
I guess freewill wasn't the mission.
That's what happends when you end up in prison.
Could it be that I love the temptation?
It began since creation.
And it will lead to my damnation.
Who needs salvation?
Every action is my consequence.
I feel this to be true in my esophagus.
I am sorry mother I cannot be your little saint.
I am flawed.
And it doesn't matter.
I never want to change.
I hang on to the last words I say before there is no more.
I must go like dad did.
I hope you can understand.
Goodnight.