i press and press
deeper and deeper
watching the layers liquefy, dissolving

cracks  cracks  cracks

it's never enough

i found out
today that i hate you










so im going to spend every waking minute trying to hide you

I went to see you yesterday


u reminded me why I stopped
loving you

u remind me why i carry 9 pills wherever I go

im leaving soon
so imma share every moment with you
because im selfish and i want it to hurt

MY hands
MY hair
MY skin

"my choice"

u dress me up like a little ******* doll
pinks and blues,
lipgloss and holeless socks
sweetened words and subtle pokes

i never really liked the dreamhouse

MY legs
MY arms
MY midriff

i hate feeling like a mannequin
a *******  o b j e c t

i need a new fix.











u just aren't doing it for me anymore

ive shrunk
and im scared that i love it so much

ive purged myself of
all things
        
                            Y    O    U

                                              and i couldnt
                                                   be happier

and then there was one

alone, alone

u wont let me eat when i want to
or even sleep when i want to

God, u wont let me move without ur ******* interference

Please, please just go away

another run in doesnt faze y'all
coz it's all a joke, right?

standing up there
cotton hands
wrapped at the jugular

i let myself
                     down
                down
           down

coz ive been here before

i think it is more about how you never got to know me when i was better

u only knew me when i was sick

turns out insenstivity buys you friends

i need you now
i thought i could go longer without you
but i cant

**** just hit the fan

there's a little ball of fury within me slowly gaining more and more energy
i don't know how to stop her growth

i hate being one step ahead of you
now that i'm finally making progress, your life has turned to ****

please stop mistaking curiosity for infatuation

i like sleep-deprived me. she's happier

i mistake loneliness for nostalgia

i've become good at pretending again

death has entered my dreams again.

so ******* angry
and anxious

every time something seems to go wrong, i always think back to the past
to when i was on the brink of ending it all
and wonder how i could've avoided all of this if i just sank

i want to dissolve into the walls of my mind

everybody has stopped listening and my ears are bleeding because all i do is listen

my eyes have been closed
all my life
and now that they are open
I can't seem to flutter them shut

I see them everywhere now
in the shops
at school
in the reflective glass, I use when getting dressed

it's an infestation

everyone is selfish

I cannot erase the
epiphany now
it's glued to my skull

every one of them more ghoulish than the last
each carrying a heavier bag

i often wonder if my bag
yields enough weight to be part of the club

Subconsciously preparing for the end.

I'm my own self destruct button

It's always terrible talking to a stranger.
You realise that they say the things people around you are thinking.

You see how your close ones have carved a tone especially for you.
One, a stranger does not use.

It's always scary conversing with a stranger.
It's like sprinkling salt on an open wound.
Raw. Real. And undeniably painful.

I've stopped caring.


Does that make me selfish?

I'm suffering from something called a secondhand midlife crisis

I'm officially on autopilot.
Just drifting and staring, never there.

everything I want to wear doesn't suit me
because my body is all wrong

u can't be tired all the time

I've noticed a pattern with you.

You seem to care for me,
but hate buying me the
medication I need

You roll your eyes
or shout at me for
finishing them
like they are candy,
addicting

Maybe pick a side
Please, it's getting really confusing

Two nights ago

You asked me to take
every two days
to 'get me used to it'

I told you that I
might need them
You disagreed

If they were cancer meds,
you wouldn't be encouraging
or rather
forcing me to do this

So I've decided to stop swallowing
so that you won't ever need to buy
me anything

Yes, I am sensitive,
And you know this
Ever since 'then' I haven't been the same

But you still
Say hurtful things

I can't help but ask:
Must I leave?

I've tried before and
I can only assume that
You don't or you didn't
Want me to go through with it.
Kind of hard to tell,
Your constant yelling and threats
were hard to decipher

But now, you put
These situations in my head
And I can't help but feel
Unwanted

I feel like a big baby,
And not the adorable kind

My voice becoming more
And more whiny and annoying
To my ears

That's why I refuse to rebut
I don't want to hear her voice

I feel like I'm
Locking a promise
Deep in the centre
Of my rapidly beating heart

A promise to go
A promise that'll make sure
That you won't need to insult
Or reprimand me again

But then I think of you
Being the one blamed
For my departing
For pushing me to the brink of insanity

I can't help but
agree with such
accusations

I think I might leave
Or I might chicken out again

My point is,
You knew and still know
I wish you didn't
So that this promise
Wouldn't be locked so tightly

I weep silently
As I grip the recyclable material
Apologising profusely

I am sorry

I know you
Do not wish
To spend more money

I am sorry

I really try
Another episode surfacing
I just can't, without a doctor

I am sorry

You try and
Find excuses to
Revoke the dosage

I am sorry

I really am, sorry that is
I didn't ask to be this way
I didn't hand-pick you
I really am sorry