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baby,
when i say i love you
i’m half-asleep
and whole in it.

you’re the reason
i don’t need
a wind-down.

i close my eyes
and fall
into you.
i only say “goodnight, i love you” when i’m already half-asleep. that’s how i know it’s real. i never stay up scrolling afterward because he’s the one who winds me down and revs me up all at once.
brazen as brazen is
constantly practised
in the sight of all
I cradle hurricanes in my ribcage
while words swirl around my head.
I try to catch the good ones-
but mostly, I wish I was dead.

I do everything too much-
the joy, the sorrow, the dread.
Yet somehow, I’m never enough-
what a curious truth to be force fed.

If I laugh, it’s always too loud;
my mouth too sharp to make anyone proud.
Crying is a dangerous game,
I could sob away a city, drown in the blame.

My rage leaves no survivors,
as if I line people up on personal pyres.
When I vent, they hear preaching-
a sermon no one wants, a fear of my leeching.

I don’t love, I dissect-
obsessively search for the trap I expect.
I can’t just leave; I burn it all down-
the bubbly, funny girl wears a permanent frown.

I do too much and my inner child feels seen,
She's acting out, we aren't this mean
I just get scared when the vibe is off, and ruining the mood makes the blow more soft.

Despite the chaos I still crave love, an equal partner, wearing fireproof gloves.
If I weather your storms, could you handle mine?
Storm chasers have never been easy to find.
The first thing I've ever compared you to
Was fireflies on a summer night
Lighting up the darkness
That I was surrounded in

It's a summer night
I'm in a dark place
Why is there a firefly
In my living room?
At this point the universe is ******* with me
And I'm sobbing to a bug in my house,
Probably traumatizing a lightning bug
Does it hurt
when the nature around you
beckons

and you know it all
to be connected

yet you feel so foreign
like the atoms repel you

you are not a ghost like you think
I have all this love
And nowhere to put it
It's rotting inside me
Soft,warm
Unspent.

I reach out in dreams
But wake up alone
His name buried in my throat
Like a secret
I was not allowed to say.

He didn't stay
But the love did
And now it grows wild
Inside a heart
With no one left
To give it to.
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