To look back on past loves
And know the intensity you felt
Like being stuck in a furnace
And feeling your organs melt
That blistering heat the love you felt
But time cools all coal
And we’re just ashes now

I thought healing was easy,
Growing and improving,
I didn’t know it was uncontrollably sobbing when I read my poems to people and binging on junk food,
But like I love to say “you must feel it to get over it” but
Who ever likes to really take their own advice?
I know it must rain for the flowers to bloom but I’m tired of being a bud

Sometimes I am thrown back into a memory
So good it breaks my heart I can never feel it again

In the mists of my agony
I begged to stop breathing
Then I found myself here in endless purgatory

There is not a day that goes by
I am not reminded Of how your rough hands gripped my body
I remember the pavement cold and damp
My hair a mess sweaty and tangled
From the stress and the struggle
But I am only so strong and so able to defend
You were tall, narrow face, dark hair, ****** eyes
I should have run when I saw you
But I trust even when all signs tell me to hit the road
You watched the life leave me body
And I left a ghost, a shell if you will
Of who I once was, you used me, you killed me, and left me a rotting corpse,
I ******* Hate You
And what you did to me on that cold bathroom floor

thick blankets
And no clothes
Your hair spread across my chest
Skin soft as velvet
Warm as a hot spring
And I am lucky enough
To have found this ruby

Of all my years in church

The one thing I learned was

The devil loved tenderly

And god?

He was cold

How long does it take until the repetitive action of doing something
No longer becomes special
And how do we know who pushed it over the edge

I like silk kimonos after long baths
Filled with beer and bongs that never go unpacked
I like cigarettes when my visions blurry
And midol for the headaches
I like to sleep later that I should and wake up in the middle of the day
I like long walks to nowhere and short walks to somewhere
Big fields and vast waters
I like feeling free

There’s no death in these
Forests deep in your eyes
Only love

I just want to stop feeling like I’m ******* choking all the time
I just want to breath

I walk along the shorelines of your ever deep
Soul
The waves grab at my ankles
With ulterior motives to trap me here
only my feet leave prints in this sand
These are uncharted lands and I am
Trespassing

We spend hours planning our lives with our friends as children,
but we never plan the disasters
We never plan for the waves so high they wash away the hope
we plan for the best days, the big days and those in between
but why don’t we plan for the pain, the hurt and the disappointment,
It’s almost like I set myself up with these ideas of true accomplishment
I dreamed of a life filled with more than this
And now when I share the life story of me there is one term I hear over all else
Turmoil
How could somebody so young with so much hope be crushed so deeply?
How could they not?
What keeps us from the inevitable?
I think I wanted so much I wanted to go so far
Although I shot for the moon I did not land amongst stars
I landed in the vast emptiness of disappointment, the dread you feel once it’s all laid out in front of you
ever memory ever moment seems so much bigger than it did,
Maybe I never stopped to smell the roses
Or maybe I just didn’t realize how good they smelled at the time
But I can tell you when looking back at my life although sadder than expected it’s a road I’ve been assigned, and turmoil looks a lot more like growth the farther you walk the line

I’m a stranger to myself
The reflection I yearn for
Is empty as of the past few months
I stand in front of the mirror for hours on end
Just hoping to see
Me
But I am unrecognizable
Some nights I sit in the guilt
Of continuing like I know at all who I am
But what do I say
I hope I can wake up one day
And really see me

Every few months I find myself in the same parking lot
At the same laundromat
In the same parking space
Listening to the same melancholy music
Smoking out of the same bowl
But always having new conversations, never seeing the same two people

It’s okay to take a break
It’s okay to need some time
It’s okay to not feel guilty
It’s okay to be okay
It’s okay to help yourself
It’s okay to separate from the mess
It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to continue feeling like you can make it
Because you will

I like it rough
SO when you leave
I have something to
Say I felt

How is it that everyday I find myself falling in love with you all over again
Like a sprinkle that turns to a pour you completely engulf me
And the tingles run up and down my arms and my chest touches the ceiling
I’m madly and completely in love with you like it’s the first time I realized it all over again and I swoon

The lights were utterly blinding,
as the shock of the recent events began to sink in,
It all comes back to me like I'm right there on the bathroom floor again,
NO
I muttered at least a dozen times
But would you have stopped had I spit out the word one more time?
You stole something from me that night,
a piece I have tried anything for to get back,
But when you were taking it from me the dimly lit bathroom went black,
I can still see the face your friend there at the time made,
I can see his peaking head staring, burning me with his eyes,
I have NEVER felt so *****, disgusting, and unclean
And it haunts me every night on the way to my dreams
God those blinding lights in my eyes about to spill,
My feet hitting the ground ware almost a thump in the distance at best,
My lungs burned, and I felt as if they were incapable of taking in air
When I made it to the place I was staying for the night
I remember sitting there staring for most of the night, knowing I had to burn those god blessed underwear because what you did left more than a stain
And I constantly battle with myself back and fourth in my head,
but I have to understand,
It was NOT my fault
and you are just a terrible terrible man.

I gave everything I had to you and still you wanted more
I broke my ribs to make you trinkets
And my skin to keep you warm
I overworked my emotions just to keep you from feeling bored
Now here I am
Empty
Alone
And worn