I've never known love
Yes, I've seen the word everywhere
Seen others experience it
Yet I never have
But I thought I did

I mistook lust for love
And when he lusted over the innocence and
purity of my white rabbit self
I assumed that it was love
Because I'd never been loved before

And when I was younger
And he would always physically hurt me
His parents said it meant he liked me
My parents said that's just how boys are
So I assumed that it was love

And back to the first man I've ever dated
Though I don't like to consider him
When he pressured me into a relationship
When he was ten years older than me
But I stayed
Because I thought it was love

And then my freedom was taken for 768 days
Because they caught me talking to the man
I couldn't tell any of my friends
Any of them that I was groomed
Because I didn't know if it "counted" if it was online
I didn't know if it was love

I knew another guy at the time
One who knew my groomer
And I fell in love with him
I thought that I'd finally found love
But after he broke up with me
And crawled back eight months later
He admitted to talking to other people
In the whole sixteen days we dated.
I was partially loved for sixteen days.

And finally, in the spring
I met a third guy I told others about
But I wish I didn't
I asked him to ask me out
But he never did
He responded to my love
With jokes about ****
And sexist remarks, so I left

There have been many other guys along the way
With the two I've dated
One I talked to, one groomed me, one cheated

Lusted, but never loved
Just to fill in for someone else
And I hold my independence proudly
But I've had it ever since I was born

I've watched everyone else fall in love
Yet I watch from the sidelines
Wondering when I'll be loved
Truly loved
For once in my life.

The noise
Overwhelming
The mind
Racing
The anxiety
Coursing
The calm
Sinking
The food
Inedible
The people
Loud
The loneliness
Skyrocketing

Cafeteria

I don't like things to end

Today I met up with some friends
We had a good time
Playing board games and laughing
It was fun
And soon
It was over
It would be another week
Until I'd see them again
But in the meantime
I'd feel like I had no friends
So I left their house
With a heavy heart
Going back in time to when I was a little girl
Begging my mother in tears
"Just five more minutes, please!"
But now I just had to deal
It was over
And that was it
Sadness eating me
I wished I enjoyed it more when it happened

I wish all the people I see on this site
Would be here
Because they are so much kinder than the average person
And if we would talk in real life
We wouldn't only say silly jokes
But have deep conversations

Why is it
That after every social gathering
My thumbs return home
Bleeding?

a kid likes drawing
so thats what they do
but they would mess up sometimes
so they scoured for an eraser
and find one to remove their mistake


that kid still likes drawing
so that's what they do
but they mess up sometimes
so they scour for an eraser
but this time they can't find one
because there is no eraser for skin

i am an open wound, the guilt that
you feel after, who you try to hide by covering
your arms. bracelets and jackets and long
pants conceal my identity, and i wish to be
forgotten.

i long to
be normal, i long to be clean
like begging boys, stranded.
i want to be fixed, i want to not
beg to burn hotter than
the light that guides me north
whenever i feel anything that remotely
tickles my heart.

i belong to sharp stars, my favorite
addiction but what some people enjoy ignoring,
slashing through my
skin yet so appealing and beautiful that
i want to devote my life to them.

dear sky, please stop
dropping what is yours

my tears are like a meteor shower
that ends up hurting worse than ever before,
breaking my outer barrier, skinning me until i feel something,
until i feel in control

my laughter is only a distraction,
a facade that i assign to myself because the
last thing i was to be is a bother to someone, to make their
stars fall as well

my heart inside me aches
and sometimes
i can’t control it. i finally let someone
witness
my stars falling like a
dead man from battle hardly
brought to life by a thrashing parachute and
unforgiving wind and
i see their sky try to grab them
but the hot metal is too heavy

above me are the falling stars
and below me are the bloodied remains
my mask begins to slip and shred
until all i know is pain

im sorry that i could not be someone you love