I can't know how your mind works any more than I can read it
We learned lessons, that love is this ownership
this “you are mine” *******
but no one is anyone's
we are beings, being, existing, trying to get through this life
and we bump into each other
sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't

I can't make you be a thing for my use
to give me what I want, to make me feel what I want to feel
those are my responsibilities alone
alone
I guess that's where it comes back to
but I don't need you to raise babies
we're past that
biologically there's no reason for us to hold on to just each other
And you can't be here whenever I need you, you're there when you can be
you are not mine, and I am not yours

do you see that?
over there reflected in the window
what is that?
Behind me in the mirror
I feel hot breath on my neck
but something tells me not to turn around
it's just the warm breeze
keep going forward and don't turn around

sometimes I think I can hear it
making odd sounds that
seem hissed through a smiling mouth
if there is a mouth
I wouldn't know because
I never turn around, look under the bed
but it's in the corner of my eye
then it's gone
It hides in the horizon of my memories
in the shadows then it disappears in the light
or only hides better
but I know it's there
behind us all, waiting to lap us up
while we go about our meaningless business

the ones who do turn around, who look behind the door
we know them when we see them
but we pretend there's something wrong
something broken about them
because admitting they're right
means we have to turn around, face the thing

that's really only time itself
watching us waste it, waiting to lap us up

do I want that other
ruled by the heart like me
would that be better, one with the words like mine and the thoughts like mine
would I feel less different, less odd, less trouble?
Would I miss that dark pinch somewhere inside when the edges rub together
and they don't mesh
and it's more like sandpaper than silk
that thing that makes me try harder, live in the pain more, be everything good at 3 am
would I grow bored if he had all the right words
is the trying for the words that don't come more intoxicating than the ready flow?

I'm good at recycling
texts and touches and words
I didn't realize they were non renewable resources
but I'm smart, I saved them
and I've found I can live on very little
I'm an eco lover

I text him at 5:50 in the morning to tell him a group of butterflies is called a kaleidoscope.
Because it is.
And because I'd looked that up, having had the feeling that I'm full of an army of butterflies all trying to free themselves.
I worry that if I'm not vigilant enough they'll get free and I'll just scatter, not be anymore.
Maybe we're all that way, made up entirely of unruly butterflies.
I wonder if everyone else is just a better butterfly wrangler than I am.

I check the weather
you wonder why I feel this way
it's not that I'm unhappy but more that I'm empty
like a vanilla pod scraped clean

I want the first months back when we couldn't keep any plans we'd make.. after that first kiss hello we'd end up in bed for hours, the evening just sliding through our fingers like skin

Yesterday I asked you if I do anything that makes you feel that bliss I feel when you run your fingers through my hair

and you said no
not that you could think of

I lay traps and you hit the trip wires 
bare skin, bare sin, radiating heat
I want to rage, slam my fists against your chest, backspace it out, anything
But there's no going back now.

I wanted to hurt, deserved it
bad
only good for ***
that cure song on replay in my head..useless and ugly, useless and ugly a ******* waste..
I couldn't stop myself from saying it under my breath.

You mention her too much to mean nothing,
I hear her name and it's like running my tongue over a split lip, a good hurt, I can't make myself leave it alone .

Why don't you go, why are you here?

Do you want me there, every time you turn over in bed, every room you walk out of and into, in your spot on the sofa, with your remote in my hand?
Do you need a minute?
I'm not sure why people do that, I'm not sure why I want that, if I want that.
Am I being selfish, not wanting to share my space?
But also wanting to share my space.
You invade it, slide into it, spill over my rough edges and then I notice you there, how long have you been there?
I'll share my morning hair, coffee breath and bad singing because I've decided missing you is worse.

Easing in
Slow and deliberate
I know where I'm going
Familiar place but foreign
I don't speak the language
But I get by
Exploring the terrain with my eyes and hands and mouth
I relax into the slow and steady pace 
I can see the perfection through the haze and smoke
Determined, I continue to my destination
I'm coming

It sounds silly and like a teenage crush

you're Sweet Valley High paperbacks
and Sassy magazine

you're 12 free cassettes and the journal under my bed
The Cure and everlasting days at the community pool

you're all the things my heart invented late one afternoon
at the end of summer
when everything is baked and brown and you think things will always be that way

You're the way things change when you don't want them to

For future reference, so I remember
we were standing in the middle of the room, your hands at the small of my back, flat palms pulling my body into you
you kissed me and there was nothing else but you and I
and I thought.. marry me.

But I step forward and you step back, you step forward, I step back.. we've got this dance down
neither of us willing to risk standing still when the other comes forward.

When it ignited, the sky exploded with the brightness, everything illuminated orange and reds.

Light and heat, color and texture

Almost too much, but never enough

We barely left the fire, throwing our bodies into it willingly, licking our wounds

The burns got deeper, leaving scars but still.. we cautiously kept thrusting into the flames,

I watched your eyes and saw no fear, no flinching
it made me brave.

I'm a human hole, a whole human.
Maybe we're all these holes, big gaping holes of want and need
We can't fill it so we hide it, under clothes, under beds, wherever we can fit it
It's always empty, always yawning, always wanting more
But hidden we can put on a big smile, keep your attention elsewhere           
  look up here
                                                         no over there
don't look right at me

It would be good, I think, if we could show each other our holes
poke a finger in, see what it feels like, push our bodies through, see if we can all fill each other up and be un holey
holy
complete

We're just lonely vessels
floating around each other like planets and moons and
we don't ever get to know each other
we send out explorers and land on the surface for a while
take first steps and last steps and leave footprints in the dirt or sand or snow or whatever our planets are made of
but the heaving cacophony of sound and color and blinding light that resides inside
all of that remains hidden
because if an explorer got close enough, if they dived deep enough into our oceans
if they rappelled down our steep canyons
it would destroy them, they would destroy us

She popped another into her mouth and closed her eyes.
The chocolate melted into an explosion of warm sweetness and it was another step away from him.
She knew he liked her hardness, where she was close to the skin, her shoulders and hips.
His hands almost never ventured to the softness.
He'd told her he didn't like lush women, soft women.
He'd met her at a particularly not soft time in her life but he didn't seem to understand it was temporary.
She was built on hedonistic passions, sensory excess, too much of every single good thing.
She wasn't going to change any of that.

I've misbehaved
Bruised and muddy
Forcing life to fit my plan
Always a fight 
I'm taking you down with me
I've learned how this works
I know your weaknesses
I know where you hurt
So lie back and be still
You know you can't run
And you don't even want to
I won't be alone
you're the thing that I want
And I take what I want
You seem to like that
I'm taking you down with me

My head on your shoulder
my line of vision your lips
everything inside becomes mercury and flows
warm and thick and heavy

My wine marinated tongue can’t seem to form
the words, they keep swirling around the ooze
viscous and sweet
in a language I can’t speak