& I think maybe that’s what’s fked me up the most
The people that have hurt me the most were those that were close

& those that didn’t care
Smiled, acted polite & shared
Their fake, crowd pleasing personas
with me

Smile to my face, then vanish into black
Only to text back
Months later

Oh sorry, it’s been hectic
I’ve been soo busy
Finding myself
Far away from you
But would you like to come out for a brew
Perhaps

Meanwhile the people that tell me they love me
The people that tell me they’ve always had MY best interests in mind while they themselves made decisions that affected me
Without me

Leaving me for my own good
Staying away from me for my own good
Telling me that I’m too good
For them

& which one is better
Really
Which one is worse
Or more real
Is anything real..
Anymore?

All I know is that I’m tired of the ****
This technological abyss
Where people can come & go as they please
Eternally

IT’S NOT OKAY
I will not come out to play
I will not twirl & dance for you
Every time you want to wind me up

For old times sake
So you can recreate
A distant memory of former bliss
What is this?

But utter confusion
You’re delusioned
If you think I’ll ever spin near your orbit again  
& no we can’t “stay friends”

For fks sake
Just leave me be

The last time that I saw your face
I was in a broken state
& as I drove off
I felt the knot tighten around this noose

Just moments ago in your embrace
I finally understood the way
That you no longer saw in me
the girl that you once knew

They say that eventually time heals all wounds
& that even when your inerts are battered & bruised
One day you will feel as if you are whole again

If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I believe that’s the truth
& even if it is I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to
Accept this as another it is what it is

Maybe that’s why I still look for you
In the faces of every **** passerby
Wondering why
They’re not you

& every single time
I catch a glimpse of an eye
Out of the corner of mine
I pray to God it’s not you

‘Cause I know that I need to move on with my life
Cut the rope loose & take it in strife
With every fiber of my being I must summon my power of will

It kills me to let go & yet it’s killing me to hold on
Stuck in this endless loop, a twisted conundrum

‘Cause I don’t want to
But I don’t want to want you
Still

What do you see in me?
Every time you like a picture of me?

Is it just another pretty face you wanna put to your waist when you PM or do you seek eternity?

I'm told that everyday,
It's always just about my pretty face.

I get it three sixty-five,
I swear I can read minds
I hear it all the time
You think this is news to me?

You're speaking a lot of spirituality
Talking a lot, like you figured everything out about me.
Why don't you finish this conversation real late then without me?

I don't owe no one an apology.
If responding is an obligation consider this revelation
another blank page in your outdated patriarchy.

Do you actually believe in me?
I need more than a compliment,
I starve empathy

Are you a real human being ready for my beat
Or fiend ready to devour me?

I'm not afraid of men who can eat.
I'm afraid of a man I attract with no means.
I'm scared of someone who leaves when the table is set and doesn't eat anything.

I need somebody that isn't afraid of me.
A real head holder,
I don't want anymore fake supporters by likes and boasters.

I need completion and that's my biggest complexity.

Will you always pay attention to me?
Even when I say repeatedly, "I think I'm ugly?"

I have all these anxieties that build walls to society
I need love one second but the next second I can hate everybody

Do you still like me?
Are you willing to take a step with this girl in the darkness under electricity?

I need more than love I need all of your energy.

No more smiles with no teeth.
No one liners that are bold and weak.

If you want me,
fight for me
but this war could be over before the blitzkrieg.

This is just me.
My heart has a lock connected to a short chain
and opens to one key
I don't make copies!

There's one way in
and one way out.

Tell me what you see now...

When you give a person a part of your heart, you never truly get it back

It's theirs to do with as they please,
To treasure or to crack

But what happens when there aren't any
pieces left to give

When you've scraped out the last bit you had, & the outcome wasn't positive

Now your chest is bare & your mind is full
Of all the could have beens

While your heart is roaming from place to place, underneath other people's skin

Over time I've realized I'm the type of person who can draw anyone in
Mysterious, yet comforting to be around
An altruistic listener, an effective conversationalist, a trusted confidant
Modest as I may be, I do understand where I stand with most people
I'm the person you call when you're having a bad day, or need a ride, or even to bask in the glory of your successes;
a promotion at work, a new fling
I'm that person
The person to go to with your something;
your need, or your news
Intriguing from afar
Many want to delve into the depths
Uncover the story within
Until they realize that there's more
There's always more
Like a black hole pulling you in
Only to find that it's expanse goes on indefinitely
After a while my quips, my quirks
become exhausting
To others
No one can fathom traveling the distance
So they don't
They turn back
I willingly release them
of my gravitational pull
Then we both float on
In opposing directions
It's funny how one can be too much
Yet somehow, never enough

After all our time together
We had but just one fight
I thought that you'd lost interest
So you went ahead && proved me right