I was a monster who hurt her so badly.
I needed this to grow,
She needed this to be happy.
I never flaunted her, not even to family,
So now I'm feeling low.
So now she's feeling happy.

I wish to die young,
I wish to die tomorrow.
If I could buy a gun,
I could wish away my sorrow.

Since when have dreams been so vivid?
I heard that happens when you're depressed.
Everyone is just an image,
Of who you are when you're undressed.

I loved you on a whim,
A touch that made me shudder.
I couldn't even swim,
Yet swam to save another.

And after a thousand days of knowing you.
I've drowned now, by drowning you.
After a half dozen plays at knowing who,
I'm down now, because it wasn't you.

I still lack self control
My veins burn and ache with the need to know.
But I learned what I sought, and it broke my ******* heart.
*******'s the word because I'm so ******* hurt.
But more so I'm afraid I wouldn't have been able to control this fire...
Were I with you... Love... Were we together...
And that hurts more than any acid in my body bubbling through the cracks. Or the dullness that has come over my life. Or the alcohol infused future that I constantly attract.

I remember so much so often. Only to forget.
It's no wonder what it's cost me, so far everything.
I wish that I could hold these thoughts within myself.
Until the end of time holding onto what could have saved us both.