I don't remember where I read it
Maybe a poem, a quote, a post on some site
That who you were at every age is still inside of you
20 years of me tucked behind my ribs like nesting dolls
The thought comes to me as I'm texting you happy father's day from the bed in my college apartment
You are 1641 miles away in a house I've only visited once
I was a guest there, I've been a guest in your home since I was 6 years old
It's the home you share with her, with the brothers whom I love and only share half a genetic sequence with
I remember being 10 years old and making fathers day cards, making breakfast, making presents
I barely remember being 5 but I remember putting the stickers from my cutie oranges on your lunchbox
I don't remember you leaving

I don't think what you did is something I'll ever understand
18 years and three kids for a woman only a few years over half your age
I know that love ends and relationships fizzle out into only embers of what once was but I will never forgive you for not ending one before starting another
For causing so much hurt to the woman who I trust most in this world
And even so, the 8 year old that remembers you standing on the sidelines of her choir concerts because you had to rush to make it from work
And the 11 year old laughing and making dinner with random things we found in the cabinet while you watch with a smile because we loved watching chopped and you wanted us to have fun even if the kitchen turned out a mess
And the 13 year old that went with you to the flea market for the first time and became enamored with relics of history just like you
They are screaming from my chest because they don't understand why it feels like a betrayal every time I miss you
But the 11 year old me, sitting on a therapists couch for the first with my two sisters trying to learn coping mechanisms for dealing with the woman you have decided to spend your life with
And the 16 year old crying in the corner of her room in the youth psych ward because she accidentally told you about the family visit that would come at the end of her stay and doesn't know how to tell you she doesn't want you to come
And the 18 year old graduate thats hoping to some higher power that you won't actually come to the graduation party she's planning because it's in her with her family and you are not included in that circle of people
They too are screaming, with anger and hurt, that you don't even deserve a text
You haven't felt like a parent except in the fact that without you I would not have been brought into this world since I was old enough to realize that I never thought of going to you for help
Not really
Not with things that mattered
But I am every age I have ever been
I am still 6 and you're making up bedtime stories of superhero little girls with flying vacuums and I miss you with a deep ache
Happy fathers day, love and miss you- Emma