TW:ED

As I stand there with the end of my toothbrush sitting on my lips
I think to myself,
“But if I just did it once no one would know”
And I could feel the satisfaction of an empty stomach;
The walls of it clinging to my ribs.
If I just did it once,
I could see if it works.
If it would allow me to look into the mirror
And not hate the girl who stares back at me.
Her stretch marks growing larger and darker
Though she doesn't know why,
Because she can barely bring herself to eat one meal a day.
What's stopping this fragile, broken girl from ending her pain,
And finally being happy
With who she sees in the mirror.
What's stopping her from finally being able to please her mother
Who groans and stares
When she goes back for a second plate of food.
What's stopping her from fitting the beauty standard,
And being loved and praised by all who see her.

But for some reason
Even eating practically nothing everyday
Does not change the girl she sees looking back at her;
Watching the numbers on the scale go up
As her happiness rapidly declines.
And seeing the look in her mothers eyes
As she wonders why you're eating everything
Yet nothing all at the same time.

I’d always ask you if you were okay
And you’d say “I'm fine” in an unconvincing way.
Because “I’m fine” never really meant you were fine.
It was your way of avoiding telling me how you really felt
Because you didn’t want your problems to become mine.
So, I’d look at you,
With that side eye that let you know I wasn’t convinced,
But instead of telling me the truth
You held up your hand and said
“I pinky promise.”

If the world was ending, I would text you
But I know I wouldn't even be on your list;
A part of the special few.
But the thing is, I wouldn’t text you to tell you I love you
Because that wouldn't be the truth
A part of me still misses what we used to be
But I've become someone new.
My text would come from a place of love,
But not in the way you might think
Because I've already mourned the loss of us.
I'm stronger than that fragile girl with bloodshot eyes,
Watching her tears roll down the sink.

I would text you and say:

My Love,
You deserve the world.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve the sun,
And every star in the galaxy.
I wish I could've given you the universe that I promised
But your world came crashing down
And you chose not to be honest.
I wish you would have given me the chance to say one last goodbye
Because, my Love,
I would've told you you deserved everything;
I would've told you not to cry.

Do you remember that first day you picked me up
You had me smiling before I even had the chance to close the door.
You offered me a sip of your red bull
Cuz I’d told you I’d never tried one before.
Do you remember the way we blasted music as we drove down the road
The car shook as we screamed our heads off,
I could feel as my happiness overflowed.
Looking for four leafed clovers used to be my favorite thing.
I would search for hours hoping I would get just one ounce of good luck
Because that's what they were supposed to bring.
So when we searched together
And found not one, but 8 four leafed clovers,
I thought it was some kind of sign
That you were my good luck;
That you were mine.

I told you I’d hated most pet names
That they gave me an ick,
So you asked me which ones I liked
I thought you were nervous
But you made it slick.

Pretty girl, beautiful, darling, and love
Were the few that made my heart smile.
I'd said “love” had always made me feel some type of way,
A way I hadn't felt in a while.
So, from that point on,
I had been your love.

“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe, my love”
“Goodnight my love”
“Sleep well my love, I will see you tomorrow”

My love used to be my favorite,
But now it fills me with sorrow.
Because now you call her that,
The girl I thought was my friend.
You call her my love,
But only because of me.
Now you send her those texts
That used to make my heart flutter.
I'm nothing to you now
Because you moved on
And she's your new lover.

Id waited so long to get that text
To just hear you say it once;
To hear you apologize
For all the damage that you'd caused.
And for leaving me broken
For moving on without a pause.

Id finally gotten over you
After months of feeling empty
So why now,
When i'm finally feeling plenty,
Did you decide to cut open these scars that had just healed?
Why now,
When I needed you the least,
Did you decide to apologize
For ******* the life and love out of me like a leech?
My heart now stained with the memory of us
Like a black t-shirt stained with bleach.

Was it because you saw that I was finally moving on
And you knew that that one text
Would take me back to square one?
Or was it because you felt guilty for the ****** way you treated me;
Telling me you liked me one day
And disappearing the next.
Because you got bored of your shiny new toy,
One you once believed was the best.

I wish I could say I hated you,
But that would be a lie.
My heart aches for your sadness
And I can't stand the thought of being the reason why.  
That big “*******” I wish I could end lingers on my phone
Because what if that was the last thing I said.
It was the last straw;
A reason for your end.

Thinking about loving you again makes my head spin in ways I didn't know it could.
Because im filled with rage
But also a sadness that I never understood.

Why am I longing to tell you I miss you?
Something I've never admitted out loud.
Because I miss your smile and your laugh.
I miss the way you'd send me pictures of the weather forecast
When it was supposed to storm
Because you knew those were my favorite things.
I long for your familiar warmth.

So ******* for making me feel these things again;
For digging up the past.
******* for making me love you.
******* for being my first.
And most of all ******* for making me believe you'd be my last.

Even if it’s just for a second
that pressure weighing down on my heart is lifted
and I can finally feel what I'd been avoiding for so long.
I’m terrified yet so prepared
to let in what I’d locked out;
every cell in my body telling me to retreat again.
But you help me to feel calm,
whispering that I can.
Your warm hands on mine
as I open up my heart
every emotion pouring out,  
you catch me as I fall apart.
The present is nonexistent when I’m with you
an empty mind with no thoughts to interrupt;
it’s just us two.
As I close my eyes
and take that breathe I didn’t know how much I needed
I feel everything
yet nothing
that small little girl who had once retreated,
steps forward into the light
to finally face her demons.