At one moment, your depression is telling you that you don't care what happens. Then the next moment, your anxiety is screaming and clawing at you to do something. Having depression and anxiety is a constant war inside of yourself. Though, there are no winners.

I am not a Sith

This unbearable hatred
Burns at an exhilarating heat
Powering me and teaching me
I am a Sith

I do it for my loved ones
I do it for honour
I do it for the money
I did it for power
I did it for me

With every step I take
Every breath I take
Every innocent I shake
I feel it quake and stir within
The anger

I miss her smile
I see her in my dreams
I know I’ll see her in awhile
When I lay filled with dread
I realize after what I’ve done
She has long been dead

Years have passed
Did we have a family
What were her last thoughts
Was it “what did I do”
Or maybe it was “goodbye my love”
I’ll never know because
I never had the chance
To ask her

I thought that the dark force
Would save me at my lowest
Only to find a secret sub level
Of despair and loneliness
I’m the monster of my own story

My energized blades shake
With the lack of power
The lack of anger
The shadow that hasn’t changed
Since I’ve changed my ways
I miss it
The thrill of slaughter

I am a sith

I’ve been played twice
Not like a sport or a video game
More like a game of chess
Against a champion

In the game of chess
Players typically start
With a pawn
I start with the knight
But I am a pawn

Not black or white
But painted with
Colours you painted
Win or loose
It’s always a game

One secret about pawns
Once they’ve been played
Far enough
They can become
Any piece

Play me five times
And I’ll become a knight
A rook or even a bishop
Kings and queens
Are overrated

There is nothing as free and passionate as your first time
Nothing as innocent
The nervous giggles
The panicked breathing
Touching someone's body
Just to learn every bump and crater
on the surface of their warm skin
The rush of pain
The desperate moans
Nothing as intimate as your first time.

Only so much
For so long.
You can only last for so long
Before it all bleeds together.

I've never been fond of
Love triangles in literature,
To me love is more of a tangled thread.
There's not much choice to it, really.

You cannot fight your heart on who you love,
You can only choose whether or not to act on it.

And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,
And you, laying there, resting peacefully comes into my vision.
And even when I can't feel my lungs
Because I'm breathing too quickly from the nightmares,
You being beside me is like a wave of calm
Washing over me.

And I know none of this makes sense,
I don't have enough coherent thoughts
To really write today.

Ah, the result of trying my hand
At a novel.

I'm not lucky
To have people fall for me
And not reciprocate the notion
I don't like hurting others
It's not lucky to be pretty
Because when people whom you call friends
Start liking you
Because of looks or personality
What are you going to do
if you don't feel it too?
I'm not lucky to have people like me
Just because you like them
Does not make me lucky
I don't like them
And I could hurt them
But I don't want to lose a friendship
Because I'm "pretty" and "nice"
It doesn't make me lucky
If people like me
It doesn't make me lucky
If I'm pretty
It doesn't make me lucky
To have something that you don't

The black rose is the heartbreak from you
when you died you took me too
Slowly I have been fading
I don't know how I got to be in such a dark place

Music helped a lot with that
It made me smile, it brought me back
My singers became my leaders
They went through this too, but they got through
And with that, I found happiness

The bell is my favorite gift
It reminds me of the memories
And the could-have-beens
So the bell is your memorial

The black rose ripped me apart
with it's thorny fingers
My music brought me back
with it's moving melodies
The bell reminds me of you
with all the distant memoreis