The squeaky wheel got the grease
      Was there no grease to spare?
         All I wanted was to be a good little wheel
               I learned to grease myself
                  With food                             Like I saw you do
                  To run from my emotions Like I saw you do
                  To mistrust others              Like I saw you do

Self sufficiency is earned
      Not by talent or skill
            But realizing that others
                  Don't care to fulfill  
                        Your needs or desires
                              Or their end of the deal.

Like a game of dodge ball  
      I am picked last
             Or at times not at all.

Doubts and fears control me
Like termites

They eat away at my heartwood
Unseen

The bark of my soul
Pristine

Outwardly fine
No visible scars
They're all inside me

An oak I stand
Belying the frailty of my soul
Structurally unsound

Ready to fall
At a single word

Hearts beating at different paces.
One flame growing brighter the other flickered and died
The dissonance of desire

Tired and lonely, Safe in my Bed
     Tomorrow’s a new day
            Filled with hope and with dread

The memory of joy  
     At the sound of her Text
            The reality of how I’ll never hear it again

The hope that one day I’ll crave a new sound
     That next time the spark will not sputter and die
            Like a flame snuffed out, a beautiful lie

Choose me
You never did
When time was spent
You didn't choose me
When love was shown
You didn't chose me
When pain was soothed
You didn't choose me

The squeaky wheel got the grease
Was there no grease to spare?
All I wanted was to be a good little wheel
That helped by never being needy
Never being greedy
I learned to grease myself
With food
Like I saw you do
To run from my emotions
Like I saw you do

Terrified you'd leave again
If I told you the truth.
That you'd run away from me
If I shared my hurt
That it'd be my fault this time
That I'd become the straw that broke your back

Be quiet
Don't fidget
Don't waste their time
Don't tell them your problems
Don't tell them your hurts
If you tell them your problems
Their brokenness will be your fault!

Surrounded by birds
Was I the cage?
Be quiet don't fidget, don't overwhelm them
Don't open your heart or they'll fly away
Don't be needy or greedy, just go to your room
They're busy with others, there's no time for you
They have too many problems to talk about yours
If you tell them the truth they will break and leave you

Stay silent,
Don't whisper,
If they need you they'll tell you
But they never did
You're useless and ugly
If anyone needs you they'll tell you
But they never will

You're useless and ugly
Just hide in your heart
This feeling of pain
A dam of sorrow ready to burst

Be quiet,
Don't fidget
Don't waste their time.
If you tell them your problems
Their brokenness will be your fault!

Your heart is light and full of purpose
Trembling with hope and life
Believing a beautiful lie

Lenses of optimism obscuring signs
Seeing meaning in a look or glance
Thrilled by a phantom

This ghost haunts your memories
Once reality slams it's heavy gavel
The past rewritten

Truth sets free the specter
Unshackles the memories from their hopeful cage
But like Bitter medicine they linger

Hearts beating at different paces.
One flame growing brighter the other flickered and died
The dissonance of desire

Looks deemed precious
Shatter like glass
Beneath the weight of retrospection

Optimism unveiled as wishful thinking
Signs once ignored spring with life
Blossoming to painful thistles of shame.

Who were you talking with?
Them? Or a fiction created by your own mind
Grieving a ghost that never existed

America the land of the free
That never was
But someday hope to be

We are what we eat
Can I eat someone disciplined
And abandon myself
To shed my self hatred
And become someone new

They say "fake it 'til you make it"
How much longer
How many fake laughs
How many empty smiles
Does it take
To make happiness

Those around me love me
Those inside me hate me

Immune to truth
Resistant to reality

My quiet voices scream
You're unworthy

So hard to silence
So difficult to ignore

I fight a war for survival
In a world of peace

Hiding from fears of unknown pain
Embracing familiar death.

A smile,
A laugh,
A kind word.

Like a candle
They cast light
In the caverns of my heart.

A warmth that quickly fades
As If it was never there
At all.

No one knows
Who I really am inside
Not even me.

Grasping at breath my soul clings to the air around me

Searching for purchase in the listless vapor

Hoping for rescue from the lighthouse on the shore

Drowning in the sea of useless metaphors

I long for the sweet release of sleep

Knowing the dangers of giving in  

I push through the quiet whispers, and roaring shouts  

I float, I sink, I rise to the top.  

Dead I walk.  

In step with the marching song of chaos.

Sleepless in a world of lullabies  

My mind dances and twirls in a ballet of ceaseless melodies

Never a rest, never a pause,

An onward trek to the end of destiny

I see an image of a man.
He looks tired and broken.
The scars of his past written on his face
His eyes scream,
Save me!
My hand reaches out in desperation.
The image shatters,
Leaving me alone,
With a broken mirror.

Lost,
  In the maze of my own excuses.
    Searching for peace,
      I find complacency.
    Too frightened to climb to freedom,
  I sit.
Safe in my familiar cage.

In the maze of sleeplessness,
  My soul searches for rest.
    I find no sign of escape
    Locked in a dreamless haze
  Peace forgotten,
Only stress.

Lying in the Dark
  My light dims inside me
   Truth fades to murky water
   I stumble in the night
  Shadows envelop
My heart grows cold

Progress happens,
  Moment by Moment,
    Decision by decision.
      Invisible in those moments,
    Progress chuckles at us.
  If only we could see ,
Oh how easy it would be.

Tired,
  yet longing,
   for something unknown,
    What treasure,
     Am I seeking?
    Will I ever find it?
   If I find it,
  Will it fill,
This hole in my soul?

What are these feelings swirling in my heart,
When will they stop,
When did they start.

My heart wants to trust,
But all I know is lust.

To know and be know,
But all I know is the shadows.

Hiding behind my walls of solitude,
Safe in the prison I built around me.

Now free,
I am lost.

A heart beating in an open chest,
Vulnerable,
Raw.

The lifeblood of my soul exposed,
Who's hands will volunteer,
to stitch closed my chest with the thread of their love,
Or will my heart dry in the open air of isolation.

Like an apple in the sun,
Will my confidence evaporate under the glare of rejection,
Or will I find a life to live,
to share,
to give.

Thursday, August 30, 2018
11:13 AM

I dont know you,
I dont know your smile,
Your laugh,
Or your pain.

What struggles and trials,
That have brought you to me,
Reading my poem,
Hearing my heart.

My heart that breaks for your pain,
And cries for your wounds.

I dont know you,
But I wish I could stand
Between the wall of guilt and shame,
And the shivering,
Quivering outline of your heart.

I wish I had the words to heal you,
I won't pretend I do.

Just know that you're not worthless,
You're worth something to me.

A lie must be spoken,
For the spell to be broken,

While trapped deep inside,
When it seems all hope has died,
Is a seed waiting silently,
Waiting for sunlight to come.

One day the sun will rise,
Will you let the lie win,
Or to its surprise,
Will you water the seed deep within?

I hunger for attention,
As if each like, view or subscription,
Changed the description of me.
That my worth was tied,
To each follow as hollow as my heart.
Yearning for internet fame,
When my wounds are to blame,
For the despicable state that is me

Saturday, August 11, 2018
9:43 PM

Monday, August 6, 2018
11:33 PM

Time slips away with hardly a second glance,
it slips silently into the void of forgetfulness and busyness.
What moments pass us by in those forgotten seconds,
hours,
days?
Our busy lives striving for that next dose of the drug called comfort,
Of a sip from the pool of peace and quiet.
Those glimpses into a reality so unlike our own.
We long for one more moment,
We sacrifice so many forgotten seconds on the altar of our discontent.

To survive,
to persist,
we allow our lives to slip through our fingers like sand through an hourglass.
What battles have we lost without stepping foot on the battlefield?
What victories have we forfeited by never entering the ring?

Have we forgotten who we are?
Did we ever know?
That question gnaws at the core of our souls like unrelenting rain on a tin roof.
A tiny pinprick in the armor of our psyche.

Will it grow?
Will our discomfort of stagnation overcome our infatuation,
With that alluring mistress called safety?
Will our quiet hearts break free from the cage of our own design?

What if it did?
Could we rewrite our souls,
To enjoy every moment like it was our last,
What would that look like?

How many people have thought these same thoughts,
And gone on with their lives like they've never heard them.

When we look in the mirror,
And regret our inaction,
Dont worry, it will fade.
To a memory, and be lost in the void,
Of forgotten seconds and hidden regrets.

Monday, March 19, 2018
1:04 AM

I once loved to laugh,
and though I still do,
hidden beneath the ripple of joy
An echoing scar,
A teardrop of pain.

Once So loud and so free,
things hilarious to me,
Were projected for all to hear,
But now I've reflected on my laughter of past.

Of how many times that laugh was a tool,
to cover the pain caused by all of the fools,
The cruel words that were spoken,
and jokes left me broken,
As they all fell so close to home.

Leaving me weary and wary,
And oh so alone,
I comprised a charm to protect me from harm:
"Fools cant hurt me if I laugh along",
I'll steal their power with one of my own,
I'll laugh the loudest,
and i will laugh last.

While all of the while leaving a piece of it there.
Until one day none was left,
An empty and broken and hollowed out laugh,
A cruel joke of it's glorious past.

Sunday, March 18th, 2018, 5:58pm.

Why do the eyes of those around me never see me,
Just look through me.
Like a ghost of Christmas present,
Trapped in wrapping, my silent screams go unnoticed.
Notice me.

What could I offer, What could I gain,
Only pain and misery?
Those words run round my head and mock me.
With their truthful lies.
Notice me.

I cower behind what could have been,
A stronghold I laid brick by brick,
Now entrapped I long to be free,
Notice me.

Locked away in my own fortress,
Once protected, now a prisoner,
Fear of others, fear of me,
Gagged and bound I hold the key!
Notice me.

For my eyes, which count sidewalk cracks and tops of shoes,
To look up at someone and they see me,
Oh what a ridiculous fantasy!
Notice me.

I plod on and on and on,
Clock in and out,
and in and out,
Caught.
In this haze of bitter dreams.
Notice me.
...
Notice me.