Even you are predisposed to decide what beauty is.
Vibrant colors and white and red muscles defining your strength.
Most of you won't survive to become successfully reproducing adults.

Top of the food chain when you are in your element.
You flounder when you are exposed to something foreign, something different.
You won’t give a moments notice to something unless YOU deem it a threat.

We are so alike in many ways
We can be different in other ways as well.

Sleepless nights filled with paranoia and empty hearts.
Drinking ample amounts of coffee because reality is catching up to you
Other recreational options are, “Not okay” because society says so.
Sinking deeper into this hole we call life.

Seeing unrighteous scenarios unfold upon those around you.
Knowing you can make it all disappear, but you won't
You couldn’t dream of making them feel the same way you do.
It’s not okay. It’s not fair.

We are so alike in many ways
I hope we are not alike in these ways.

But who cares really?
Not you. Not I.

I feel like I'm going insane.
I can't remember anything.
My short term memory is, poor at best.
My long term memory continues to fade.

Dissociation
Depersonalization
Derealization

I have an MS but you would never know.
I'm too dumb to get a PhD.
I'm too dumb to communicate with most people.

I'm checking out.
Missing gaps.
Making up stories.

I have that all of my pets died here
I hate that the best people here are still racists and homophobic
I hate that my boss nitpicks, micromanages, belittles, and humiliates everyone and HR won't do a thing about it.
I hate that I am dependent on a job to pay off student loans
I hate that my boss is inside of my head even when I am home

I have flashes of hurting and killing myself.

I have to get rid of everything so my husband doesn't have to deal with it when I die.

death is so expensive. Even cremation breaks 5 figures.
What if I just leave a note and disappear?

How would I even disappear? This planet is crawling with filthy humans.

I just want to die.

Maybe I will travel to a poor country and pay someone to shoot me in the head and burry me.

If only . . .

Can't do anything?
Give me a reason to try. . .

Show up to work?
To get put down all day. . .

Deal with it?
I'm not a victim, you are an *******. . .

How did YOU get this far in life?
YOU are the one who is truly pathetic. . .

Do you get off on making girls cry?
Look around, all alone. . .

I can't breathe.
Fall asleep, false teeth.
Around my head an anxiety wreath.
Emotions packed away re-sheathe.

Here they come to mock me, hick-ups.
Cat calls and lame pick-ups.
Cover-ups, build-ups, and hook-ups.
I have no time for these hang-ups.

Time to calm down.
Breakdown?
No, back down?
Maybe crack down?

In 1, 2, 3, out 1, 2, 3.
Release your banshee.
Sip some hot tea.
Blame the bourgeoisie.

The world outside today seemed to be too much for me
the walls keep closing in, i can’t find the room to breathe
i’m left there alone
hollow eyes and aching bones
i’ve laid dormant from dawn
to dusk but now i see the sun
night is gone, another day done
as i lay locked on the bedroom floor
my shoulder blades press into my thin rug
protruding vertebrae finding wood below
the rain smell hanging from poisoned oaks
gray skies hover
endless cloud cover
all pinning me down
these days all I can do is suffer

but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

the sun, the trees the summer breeze
they nudge me saying please
it’s been three days since you’ve eaten, Louise
you’re nothing but fuzzy brain weak knees
get up, just get some coffee
but I remain paralyzed
glass eyes towards skys learning
pattern of ceiling fan turning
whirring and churning
all the heavy humidity away
but my skin will not evaporate
no matter how much i will it to dissipate
i hate to have my body stay
while my mind starts to disintegrate


but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

light leaks in from the swayingcurtain
the storm is passed, weatherman’s certain
and though the sun cuts the grey asunder
in my mind there still lies thunder
my cobwebbed lungs refuse to work
as the heavy thoughts continue to lurk
but breaking through murky background
i hear sparrows start a symphony sound
and with their rounds and rounds of chords  
their song did rise more and more
and my eyes came into focus  
loosing that notion of hopeless
i started to feel almost human
only songbirds’ tunes to pull me in
closer and closer to some reality
through blinding light i start to see
the pinewood  outside begins to dry
my rusty heart decides to try
I reach my head out the window
with eyes shut, panes clutched
i drink the sun’s glow
with all i have,  my ribs force a heave
and i find that,  finally I can breathe

but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

This incessant thirst for torture
bubbling up Like puke in the throat

I want your feedback all over me
Drape my mutilated soul across your chest

Staring out with aching eyes at the vast nothingness before us

I scream at myself on the inside
The high is never worth the low

The thrill of trouble is electrifying

If my inner wisdom goes unheeded
The Situation will unfold
into a disgusting place of being
Like a gas station bathroom

Bleakness will creep in, Settling into my center

Followed by ugliness,
Addiction Ravaged pallor

Stealing the rightful place of beauty