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I can't breathe.
Fall asleep, false teeth.
Around my head an anxiety wreath.
Emotions packed away re-sheathe.

Here they come to mock me, hick-ups.
Cat calls and lame pick-ups.
Cover-ups, build-ups, and hook-ups.
I have no time for these hang-ups.

Time to calm down.
No, back down?
Maybe crack down?

In 1, 2, 3, out 1, 2, 3.
Release your banshee.
Sip some hot tea.
Blame the bourgeoisie.
Can't do anything?
Give me a reason to try. . .

Show up to work?
To get put down all day. . .

Deal with it?
I'm not a victim, you are an *******. . .

How did YOU get this far in life?
YOU are the one who is truly pathetic. . .

Do you get off on making girls cry?
Look around, all alone. . .
I have that all of my pets died here
I hate that the best people here are still racists and homophobic
I hate that my boss nitpicks, micromanages, belittles, and humiliates everyone and HR won't do a thing about it.
I hate that I am dependent on a job to pay off student loans
I hate that my boss is inside of my head even when I am home

I have flashes of hurting and killing myself.

I have to get rid of everything so my husband doesn't have to deal with it when I die.

death is so expensive. Even cremation breaks 5 figures.
What if I just leave a note and disappear?

How would I even disappear? This planet is crawling with filthy humans.

I just want to die.

Maybe I will travel to a poor country and pay someone to shoot me in the head and burry me.

If only . . .
On top of the mountain and you want to be your friend.

I fall off the mountain often.

I'm not ashamed of it, but you are.  

I can't stand you bragging to your friends when I land an awesome job.

My line of work is generally seasonal, which means I am just as likely to be unemployed this time next year.

But for "some reason" you wont even talk to me when that happens.

You wont invite me to . . . well anything.

When, I'm "on top of the world" you just gab, gab, gab.

We are the bestest of friends.

Finally, after a year of unemployment and crickets I have a few awesome things lined up.

But this time, you don't need to know.

Never again, will you need to know.

Because I am not a tool for you to use just to make your friends jealous.

I am a person.

And I am just as awesome when I am on top Mount Everest as I am in the GD Mariana trench.
Here we go again . . .
December 31st 2021, sitting by the fire pit, surrounded by the dark clear sky of Utah. "This is the first time I truly feel happy. The first time I don't want to go to sleep and NOT wake up in the morning."
The next day my husky Nikko dies.
He was old, very old.

This year has been, not great.
First my rabbit Gizmo dies, a digestion issue.
Two months later my Chihuahua, Dexter dies.
He was old, congestive heart failure.
Four months later and Nikko passes.
One month later and now our last furry family member, Jazmine.
She has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and is showing similar signs as Dexter did.

Did you know if you die all of your federal student loans
are discharged. That means no one has to pay them back. Lucky
me, I only have federal student loans. Sixty thousand dollars my husband and cosigners wouldn't have to worry about.

One week before Christmas break and I lost my job.
Nothing on me, just how things go I guess.
I'm still on great terms with my boss.
Student loan repayment plans starts up in February and I just lost my job.

What I am I going to do?

Whose lives would change if I just died?
I live across the country and don't talk to my family.
Nothing would change there.

We have virtual game nights, but I don't contribute to the
conversation. I usually just put my foot in my mouth.
Nothing would really change there.

My husbands family doesn't even like me.
They would probably be happy for their son to marry someone better. "Someone good for him".

My husband, oh how much I love him.
His life would change vastly. He would be sad for a little while but then he would move on. He could do everything he wanted. It was MY dream to move around the country. Not his. He could finally put roots down in the town we are living in or move back home  to rekindle roots with old friends. He could do what ever he wants and not have to take my feelings into consideration, at all.
His life would change. He would be happier.
The soldier is just that. They fight in actual wars. They risk their lives to protect the "morals" of their "country". None-the-less, they want a better future for their children.

When the war is done, the soldiers children are the farmers. The farmers rebuild, and want. They want material objects. Maybe it's the food they lacked when they were young. Maybe it's a gas guzzling sports car. None-the-less, they want a better future for their children.

When material "wealth" has been achieved the artist is born to the farmer. The artist has the time to take actual pleasure in life's little wonders. But they also have the time to see all the injustices in the world. Injustices, vial enough to start a . . . war.  None-the-less, they want a better future for their children.
I don't know were I heard this philosophy before but I just needed to get it out and write it down. What are you? The soldier, farmer, or artist?
You love abusing me
You love telling me what to do
Your servant
You love when I do the dishes
"Because I know how to do them right"
Because you hit me when I did them "wrong"
and you hit me when the other kids wouldn't wash them at all

You love it when someone takes care of you
You conditioned me to be the perfect caregiver
For you
You love codependence
You love yourself

You don't realize that you don't love me
You grieve for me
You grieve, because it's not easy
To live without
A fulltime caregiver
A fulltime maid
A fulltime cook

It took me a long time to learn what love is
I love my Husband
I love his smile, his brilliant eyes, and that he hugs me
when I'm feeling down
I love listening to him get excited
about weird and pointless things
I love seeing him happy, with or without me
I love that we are on the same team
Team "Us", both of us

You can tell me "I Love You" everyday
for the rest of  your life
but you are only lying to yourself
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