i dread the day you learn
for the first time that
you can't just love all
the darkness in me away

and no matter how much
you care i will still toss
and turn at night and scars
might still appear on my skin

i dread the day you realize
that you can't cure me
and sometimes all you can do
is stand next to me and
hold my hand through fog
pouring out of my ears so black
and thick we can't even see
each other's faces

i dread the days i can't
get out of bed
the days you want to
take me out and all
i can manage is a prettified
shell of myself

i dread the day you learn
that sometimes no matter
how hard i try i still can't
pull myself together

the day you learn that
there isn't an answer
you can give that will
save me from my fears

you aren't the first person
who has tried to love the
darkness inside away
my family and friends
have given it their all
but someday you too will learn
that if love could
cure mental illness
the world would be
a much better place

The silence in this world is ringing
ringing like the unanswered phones left on the line
because no one is home to hear
the shrill call of an unanswered voice just begging,
begging for one more shot at whatever sordid mess they’ve left behind
because the future is ahead and it’s scaring them.

Please, just let me come home.
Home was never safe, it was never warm,
it was just a place for childhood embers burnt fast by the age of 12, no, 11, no, 10,
but then I still beg to go back because life’s ahead, mom,
And they’re calling my name but I cover my eyes
because all I hear is the shrill call of an unanswered voice
begging me to amount to all that I’m worth,
to take strides on horizons I can hardly fathom,
because out there, they’re looking for a shadow to their sunset.
A step away, a reach, a grasp,
but I let it fall from my hands and crash -
graceless, inelegant, twisted, metamorphosed into a nightmare I’ll never catch.
Because these walls are a sanctuary
where the hands that cover my eyes and
the hands that cover my ears protect me
from the world’s volatility,
and the one thing I grasp:
invincibility
in the highest degree.

So fire your bullets, because they’ll only ricochet,
keep away
no way
no wait,
this isn’t invincibility,
just conciliatory me
bending, twisting, metamorphosed into
        a grotesque shape
        a nightmare I’ll become
When someday there’s a ringing in my head
of an unanswered phone left on the line.
I don’t want to hear it;
the shrill call of an unanswered voice just begging,
begging for one more shot at the broken pieces,
this puzzle strewn across the floor
like it’s always been there
just never seen before,
Because you only see the flash after you hear the bang
and it’s all over.
It’s too late.
The phone keeps ringing.

We just walk over dandelion petals
Worn into the ground by time and repetition and the
Step
Step
Step
Of my feet.
I could walk off the ends of the earth before I ever stop thinking about you,
Trying to decide what's true and what else I could do
But walk between the falling raindrops,
Collecting them on my face, and keep walking
And walking
And walking
Trying to find my place because it always seems to change
And I could never put my finger down, could never slow this pace
So I'll keep on going until the horizon comes

Paint me a scene
with fairy lights instead of memories,
where shadows were warm when we were cold
and the rain was just dewdrops on melodies

i want to leave this life and lose myself
in these poems that tell my story better than i ever could.
i want to end this life and
sprinkle the ashes between the pages,
put them in the paper and have those words
printed on my bones.

i never want to lose these feelings.
out there it’s cold,
and even the people you love can
leave scars behind.
inside this cracked spine
my fears are laid bare;
everything i hate about myself,
everything i hide about myself.
if i could never tell the truth,
breathe these poems and let them say it for me,
i would be happy


                                                         ­                              to no longer exist.

death is a part of nature.
we’re born.
we live.
we carve sad stories into our arms,
and we die.

it’s written in the plan now.
wake up.
eat breakfast.
commute.
contemplate suicide.
work.
commute.
eat dinner.
contemplate suicide.
take a shower.
take a shower.
take a shower.
take a shower.
can i drown in the shower?
cover ears.
put head under water.
sit.
shiver.
contemplate suicide.
choke.
sputter.
hyperventilate.
contemplate suicide.
breathe.
keep breathing.
don’t breathe out.
hit the wall until your knuckles are bruised.
stand.
breathe.
shiver.
wipe nose.
shut off water.
sleep.
face it all again tomorrow.
survive.