You're not abusive
But if thats true then why do i feel a stomach churning sense of dread when you walk through the door?
You're just protecting me
But if thats true then shouldn't I feel safe?
You're just teaching me discipline
But I thought parents weren't supposed to hit their kids to the point of bruises.
You deserve my respect
But why don't I deserve yours, Mom?

saw my friend and his service dog today
i mentioned how a dog like that
might be beneficial for me.
he said im not disabled.
if only he knew
about the constant panic i keep behind my eyes
for fear of being laughed at
tthe feeling of not being able to breath
like an elephant sitting on your chest
the fear of being talked to by someone i don't know very well
the heart racing
hands sweating 
breathing too fast
how do i get out
terror
i face every day. 
but must internalize as i was taught.

its not that i want views
i just want to be validated
to feel like somebody gets me.
like i'm not a ******. 

its not that I want friends
i just don't want to be alone.
to feel like i can share my thoughts freely
like i don't have to cower in a corner all day

its not that i want to be happy 
i just want to feel normal.
to feel like my conditions don't define me.
to break free from the grasps of 
anxiety, depression, addiction.

its not that i want to die
i just don't want to be here anymore. 
to not feel anything 
to be whole.

My normal is Bruises
And second hand smoke
And smelling like ****
My life is a joke.
My normal is Hiding
My Injuries from view
And cleaning and cooking
I wish somebody knew
My normal is pleading
and praying
to make it all stop
and walking on eggshells
and trying not to pop
My normal is different
It's nothing like yours
And someday I'll leave it
And try out yours

to the man who should have been a dad
I really hope you aren't mad
and learn to teach the littles
beating kids is bad.
you should have been there when i cried out
to catch  me and raise me up
not drunk
or drugged
with a belt in hand
for crimes i never committed
please  be better for Monica and Henry
and teach them to love its all I  ask

To the mother who tried her best
rarely taking time to rest
you did good providing wealth to your family
but the area that you did lack
was finding time to come back
and in all fairness
you did not set
an honest game
i came in last amongst my siblings.
black sheep black sheep was my name
you fixed it perfectly while you sang
So please do try to forget
this child u did so regret
as i left this earth

And to the kids i was raised with
even if you hide behind a mask of rage
i know you love me, page after page.
****-Transphobic you may be
twas not your fault you hhated me.
when evil's all u grow to know
then does darkness-based truth doth show.
don't be sad, or feel so haunted
you shall know, this is what i wanted.

nyone want to be friends? i swear im really cool. age isn't important but id rather it be relatively close to being a minor. if ur interested, u can shoot me a message and i'll reply asap! :)

After the blood stops running
And the relief is over
An almost impossible to describe feeling takes control.
Its anger, regret
Its sadness and pain
Its how could I do such a horrible thing?
Its panicky hiding
Heart rate increasing
Oh my God how do I hide this?
But then after a bit
when bad feelings set in,
The cycle continues again.