I'm trying to find serotonin
In bodies and whiskey oceans

Floating above water isn't working
Fighting the gravity, so here's to hoping

I don’t feel right unless I'm wrong
I told you this all along

It's like there's a switch that flipped
No longer writing my own script

Can you tell me why you're still here
Why you haven't disappeared

I know I'm always next to you
(But) I'm only physically here

"What's the blood from? And please tell the truth
You didn't have those stains before you left for school
You cover your scars but wear the stains with pride"
Would you believe me when I say it's how I feel alive.

Awkward in my own skin but comforted by my blood
I don't even like myself. How can I be someone you love?
Call me a sore loser when I didn't even ask to play
White striped reflections, just an echo of my shame

The safest way to love me is to stay the **** away
I want to **** everything, beginning with my brain
I know it's hard when I don't really say very much
Wait for me to reply but I'm too far out of touch

A simple note to explain doesn't seem long enough
To bring on one sheet my final feelings and thoughts

Why am I doing this and what lead me here?
It wasn't just one event and the timing wasn't near.

I'd start when I was younger but who can remember that far back?
Unfortunately I do with every panic and anxiety attack.

You'd probably start to see why by the time I finished 10th grade
But then I'd really dig deep into every mistake I've ever made

I'd go on to talk about the crushing weight of all my guilt
The guilt I'm tired of hearing that everyone has felt

"Just leave the past behind" they say and "move on to better days."
How the **** am I supposed to do that when I want to **** my brain

Therapy and medication only helped me for so long
Now I've come to realize I'm the only thing that's wrong

I'm not angry with anyone and would never put blame on you
I just can't handle my thoughts being the loudest in the room.

Is sobriety killing my creativity?
Or is it better off this way?
It's hard to find some comfort in this
When all I know is pain

I couldn't go on much longer
With the way I was feeling inside
But who am I now that I'm sober?
Loss of identity will reside

Let me feel the lines of your hands
From your finger tips on down
I don't know how to fix me
But your skin is safe and sound

My addiction doesn't make me
Or at least thats what they say
I created my own hell
And breathes are getting harder to take

Step one is to admit that
I have a problem with this well
This shouldn't be news to you
I've been crying out for help

I can't go on much longer
With the way I'm feeling inside
Who am I now that it's over?
Give myself to the fleeting tide

I need to feel the lines of your hands
From your fingertips on down
Give me something to hold onto
When I feel like I'm going to drown.

Have you ever thought of ending it all?
Facing your fear when your backs to the wall?
Crossing the bridge and paying the toll?

Nobody know's the feeling better then me
I fantasize while in bed, rest assured I can't sleep
Knowing it's me I fear is murdering me

Drowning my face in my own reflection
Disconnecting myself from other's connection
Removing my head from self-loathing dejection

Addicted to things that help me forget
All the memories and laughs that came and went
Everything that I've done that I can't just repent

I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you

Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
To wash away my insecurities but I know you'll give them back to me

I don't know what you want from me but I just want your company
Find what you're looking for and take it all from me

Walk in my shoes for a day I have nothing more to take
Come on just give me a break if not for me for goodness sake

While you're pushing me away remember what I say
You might think you'd be happy but I know that you'll be sorry

So take your time but don't be long give me a feeling that I belong
I know everything about this is wrong but I'm just not very strong

Maybe the truth is I was never really meant to be happy.
Not in the sincerest form of the word anyway.
I'm content and I do have my happy moments.
But sincerely and truly happy?
I don't think that word was invented with me in mind.