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 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Sylvia Plath
'Perspective betrays with its dichotomy:
train tracks always meet, not here, but only
    in the impossible mind's eye;
horizons beat a retreat as we embark
on sophist seas to overtake that mark
    where wave pretends to drench real sky.'

'Well then, if we agree, it is not odd
that one man's devil is another's god
    or that the solar spectrum is
a multitude of shaded grays; suspense
on the quicksands of ambivalence
    is our life's whole nemesis.

So we could rave on, darling, you and I,
until the stars tick out a lullaby
    about each cosmic pro and con;
nothing changes, for all the blazing of
our drastic jargon, but clock hands that move
    implacably from twelve to one.

We raise our arguments like sitting ducks
to knock them down with logic or with luck
    and contradict ourselves for fun;
the waitress holds our coats and we put on
the raw wind like a scarf; love is a faun
    who insists his playmates run.

Now you, my intellectual leprechaun,
would have me swallow the entire sun
    like an enormous oyster, down
the ocean in one gulp: you say a mark
of comet hara-kiri through the dark
    should inflame the sleeping town.

So kiss: the drunks upon the curb and dames
in dubious doorways forget their monday names,
    caper with candles in their heads;
the leaves applaud, and santa claus flies in
scattering candy from a zeppelin,
    playing his prodigal charades.

The moon leans down to took; the tilting fish
in the rare river wink and laugh; we lavish
    blessings right and left and cry
hello, and then hello again in deaf
churchyard ears until the starlit stiff
    graves all carol in reply.

Now kiss again: till our strict father leans
to call for curtain on our thousand scenes;
    brazen actors mock at him,
multiply pink harlequins and sing
in gay ventriloquy from wing to wing
    while footlights flare and houselights dim.

Tell now, we taunq where black or white begins
and separate the flutes from violins:
    the algebra of absolutes
explodes in a kaleidoscope of shapes
that jar, while each polemic jackanapes
    joins his enemies' recruits.

The paradox is that 'the play's the thing':
though prima donna pouts and critic stings,
    there burns throughout the line of words,
the cultivated act, a fierce brief fusion
which dreamers call real, and realists, illusion:
    an insight like the flight of birds:

Arrows that lacerate the sky, while knowing
the secret of their ecstasy's in going;
    some day, moving, one will drop,
and, dropping, die, to trace a wound that heals
only to reopen as flesh congeals:
    cycling phoenix never stops.

So we shall walk barefoot on walnut shells
of withered worlds, and stamp out puny hells
    and heavens till the spirits squeak
surrender: to build our bed as high as jack's
bold beanstalk; lie and love till sharp scythe hacks
    away our rationed days and weeks.

Then jet the blue tent topple, stars rain down,
and god or void appall us till we drown
    in our own tears: today we start
to pay the piper with each breath, yet love
knows not of death nor calculus above
    the simple sum of heart plus heart.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Kira Ferguson
The whispers of a thousand ladybugs
Caught in a strand of sunbeam
Became slurred
One more White Russian
Sloshed down and stirred
In the belly of that brilliant star
Gave birth to sweet summer
The seventh month, day five
Seemed silent in comparison to the night before
Where blasts became a long drone
And drowned out that roaring train
Which would (on any other night)
Rattle the blinds of this small home
We see that it is soon to be emptied
And even more quickly, after,
To be full once more
We are at the crossroads
Of interspace and matter
But those thousand tiny wings
Kick up dust off our old albums and memory boxes
And leave them hanging there
Suspended in threads of light
Such big eyes we have
All the better to dream with
Sleepwalkers, forevermore
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Hollow
...that I am afraid to fall in love because...
...the past never dies.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Hollow
August

One foot forward, I said
And she listened, gingerly taking her first step
I held onto her shoulders as she marched
Forward unto revival

You'll be back in no time
Were the last words I spoke to her
And upon her farewell
I wept tears of hope
And loss

- *
September -

I remember hearing car doors close shut
On the days where I sat
Atop my window sill
And I would peak out
From behind my curtains
With wishful thinking

And I remember the sting of pain
When it was someone else
So I would let the curtains close
Like the end of so many
Epic plays
And the audience would not applaud

-
October -

I made a little girl cry
On Halloween
I sat in wait
Forgetting the significance
Of costumes
And sugary give outs
Remembering only the taste
Of something much sweeter
But it had been months

The knock on the door
Was like the beating in my chest
And I sprang up in some
Newfound excited hopefulness
But I had let myself down
And the little girl at my door
Dressed like a dinosaur
Was no match for the beast
Inside of myself

GO HOME!
They all heard me
Parents and antsy children alike
Who walked by in search of joy
And the stares were unbearable
The little girl who cried
Never saw that my eyes matched hers
As she fled into the night

I sat with my back against the door
And cried until the waves of exhaustion
Took me away

-
November -

Only the night would get me
Out of bed
Many times I found myself walking
Along some unfamiliar road
Winding through darkness
Like the twists and turns in my mind

Sometimes I ran
Like I was being chased
And the cool air of the night
Would fill my lungs
And when I was tired
I continued running

Emotions had been all but drained
And the feeling of loss
Was replaced with
Emptiness
Nothing
Void
0

But somewhere
Pressed underneath folds of carelessness
Was an inkling of hope
A spark of optimism
That kept me alive

-
December -

I remember the funeral
Where along with my only love
Was buried my soul
My spirit
And my heart

I was asked to speak of her
And her family bade me luck

When all was silent
And the ears
Longing for closure
Were tuned to my presence
I opened my mouth
And said nothing

No one had noticed the blood
Dripping from my wrists
But they all saw
Abigail's collapse

My head swung forward
Smashing into the podium
I remember being sideways
As blurs rose to block out
What little visions remained

And then I asked one thing
In my stupor

Is she better now?

-
January* -

The two who gave me life
Made me stay inside my room
Because I tried to take what was mine

I would sit atop my window sill
Knees pulled tightly to my chest
And I would stare outside
Watching for the red hair
Waiting for the car to pull up
And her to get out and stretch her legs

She would look up and see me
Her eyes would tear, and she would
Run inside to me

I would kiss her and never let her go
But instead, it's all the same
People come and go
Friends visit
Seasons change
And the world moves on without her
Without me
Rest in peace my love.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Sylvia Plath
Ariel
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Sylvia Plath
Stasis in darkness.
Then the substanceless blue
Pour of tor and distances.

God's lioness,
How one we grow,
Pivot of heels and knees! -- The furrow

Splits and passes, sister to
The brown arc
Of the neck I cannot catch,

******-eye
Berries cast dark
Hooks ----

Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Shadows.
Something else

Hauls me through air ----
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.

White
Godiva, I unpeel ----
Dead hands, dead stringencies.

And now I
Foam to wheat, a glitter of seas.
The child's cry

Melts in the wall.
And I
Am the arrow,

The dew that flies,
Suicidal, at one with the drive
Into the red

Eye, the cauldron of morning.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Sylvia Plath
Cut
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Sylvia Plath
Cut
for Susan O'Neill Roe

What a thrill ----
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

Little pilgrim,
The Indian's axed your scalp.
Your turkey wattle
Carpet rolls

Straight from the heart.
I step on it,
Clutching my bottle
Of pink fizz. A celebration, this is.
Out of a gap
A million soldiers run,
Redcoats, every one.

Whose side are they one?
O my
Homunculus, I am ill.
I have taken a pill to ****

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man ----

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux ****
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when
The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump ----
Trepanned veteran,
***** girl,
Thumb stump.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
X
When I was a newborn, less than 4 days old, you bought as many stuffed toys as your car could fit and surrounded them around my crib, ignoring my grandmother who kept telling mom that newborns don't know how to look at objects.
I moved my eyes and looked at them.

When I was a toddler, you encouraged me to watch Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin and didn't want me to watch Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty because you "wanted your daughter to learn a lesson, not just waste time".

When I was 7 you took me everywhere with you and didn't mind me listening to your friends' political arguments. On our way home though you always told me "Don't grow up to be like them.  Don't let people lead you."
And I didn't. I pushed a girl because she wanted to be the group leader in our science project.

When I was 11 you started discussing books by Stephen Covey and made me listen to Zig Ziglar cassettes. "Don't blindly follow the crowd," you said. "Always raise your neck and look around. If you don't like where they're going, take another road."
And I did. Girls my age were giggling about boys and bras while my eyes were wide open and excited about all the facts I read from my science textbook.

When I got to middle school and got my eating disorder, I refused to eat the apple in algebra class so that I could take my quiz, and didn't mind my teacher calling you to pick me up for my "resistance".
I got in the car waiting for you to pat my back and tell me I did well for refusing to give in to her ultimatum. I waited for you to tell me that I didn't need help anyways. But the drive back home was silent.

When I was 14 and went to my brother's school to beat up the kid bullying him, you called. I thought you called to give me a pep talk, or give me some tips on how to break his nose. All you said was "stay in the car. Leave the beating for the boys". I came back home confused.

When I was 17 and told you about my goals, you said "When you're young, you have unrealistic dreams. You feel like flying from your positive energy and like you have the whole world in the palm of your hand. But you grow up and realize that you need to be realistic."
I opened my mouth but closed it right after remembering you telling me "Think before you speak. If the outcome of what you'll say is useful, say it. If it'll hurt people, don't." I don't think it would've been useful. What use would it be to scream in your face about how that 'unrealistic dream' was the only goal I had, the only distraction from suicide. What use would it be to tell you that I don't remember the last time I felt like I was about to burst from the positive energy that I had?

You taught me how to be different. You taught me to love math and science. You taught me to be my own person and not let people decide what I should do in my life. But what you forgot to do is teach me how to feel okay. You didn't teach me how to reply to people who tell me that I watch too many American shows and that I let go of our traditions because of my opinion on marriage. You didn't teach me how to not feel lonely as hell when it's 3 am and I'm spewing out everything I binged and wiping my tears away while my throat bleeds and the music is playing to cover up the sound of me choking on the last words I screamed at myself and the gasps of relief when I purge out all my feelings and lay on the floor feeling numb. You didn't teach me how to pretend to blend in when the girls my age would take boys' phone numbers and I'd ask them questions like "but how are you guys together now? You don't know each other's personalities. You only just met." You taught me how to be smart, educated Belle and rebellious, going-by-her-own-rules Jasmine..

Daddy, you taught me how to be my own person in a place where you're supposed to be everyone else's clone, and I am forever grateful.. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish you had taught me how to pretend to be like Aurora or Snow White.
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
DH Matthews
Compulsion
The same reason my feet bounce and roll and move
every which way;
A motion I cannot control.

Completion
The same reason I finish that which I start
(within constraint);
A satisfaction I don't often find.

Craving
The same reason I poison myself with smoke
in spite of reason;
In simplest terms, addiction.

Conciliation
I have bled countless times.
I have regrets; I have scars.
I have attempted to stop.

However
For the life of me, and
For the life of my hands
I cannot bring myself
To spare me the pain of bad decisions.
seriously though i do bite my nails way too much, i even get into the cuticle and the skin on my knuckles and fingertips, it really isn't pleasant
 Jul 2014 Bobuel
Terry Collett
I found
your Jimi Hendrix
tee shirt, Ole,

while sorting tee shirts
on the hangers
in my wardrobe,

there underneath
them all
it was found at last.

I remember
you wearing it,
remember your body

filling it out,
the Jimi Hendrix image
almost coming to life.  

What tee shirt
you were wearing
that night your heart

stopped the first time around,
I cannot think,
other matters occupy

my mind,
other images fill
my night induced sleep

when sleep comes
finally if at all.
How long

had your heart stopped
before they got it
going again?

Who found you?
3 hours or more or less
after I left

the hospital ward?
I am glad I found
your Hendrix tee shirt;

I hugged it tight,
chocked up a bit,
imagined you

were there inside,
pretended momentarily
you had not died.
A FATHER TALKS TO HIS DEAD SON.
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