Midnight
Walking alone
Thinking about
You...

Sandy beach
reminds
me of
your curly hair

Beautiful
blue water
reminds me of
your eyes

Seashells that
cut at my feet
remind me of
your words

Trash skittering
across the sand
reminds me of
your tone

I thought
I loved you
but now
I'm not so sure

This beach
is beautiful but
hides many secrets
like you

Everything you've
ever said was
a lie or a threat
and I fell for it

I thought
you loved me
I can see now
that I was mistaken

You never loved me
This beach's beauty
is nothing
but an illusion

And you
are only a
beautiful illusion
created by a lunatic

The day is new and bright
Come with me to frolic
In the meadows with the
Flittering butterflies
And the buzzing bees

The wild flowers
Call to me through the
wind as if they are in
need of my presence
Come with me

The birds that sing
And fly every which
Way are singing my
Favorite song
Come with me

The weeds that
Steal from the precious
Flowers call to me
They are in need of me
Come with me

I wish to see the
Mountain range
And the big blue sky
In it's most natural state
Come with me

I wish to bury
This body of a long
Lost friend who refused to
Come with me
You'll help me won't you?

I just need to find
The perfect space
Where the worms can feast
On her flesh
Come with me

She betrayed me to
The mother earth
She defiled this beauty with
Her city ways
Come with me

Oh I see
You don't want to go?
That's fine i guess...
CRACK!!!
Now you can come with me

You'll be buried with
My long ago friend
Who defiled this place
Just like you...
Come with me

Alone...
This is how she feels...
Sitting under the swaying willow tree in her backyard...
Painting on her arm with her sharpened paintbrush...
She paints her feelings until she can see no longer because her eyes have become rivers with the strongest current she's ever known...
The teardrops that run down her face are reminders of all that has been said and done to her...
Her mother leaving in the night, her father screaming that it was her fault, all the boys who'd touched her...
No friends has she ever had so she sits by herself creating beautiful paintings using crimson red...
She hears a noise, so she looks up from her exquisite painting to see a boy with eyes the color of the deepest ocean...
He sees her painting and starts to cry...
Running towards her he grabs her paintbrush but it is too late..
The  painting is her final masterpiece upon which her one last tear falls...
He sits with her, screaming for help until his voice becomes raw...
He knows that no one will come but still he screams...
The beautiful girl before him has lost all her color and death has plucked her from the boy's grasp...
All that's left of her color remains on her forearm in the most beautiful painting the world will care nothing about...

Curse your ignorance
Curse all the years
You treated me with anger
And caused all these tears

Curse you for lying
And saying you loved me
Curse you for failing
And never letting me be

Curse you for trying
After all this time
Curse you for leaving
Dropping me on a dime

Curse you for hurting me
And making me hate you
Because all I ever wanted
Was for you to love me too...

The weight of the dark
Is slowly suffocating me
The need for light
Is like the need for air
This feeling takes over me
And I'm driven by a force from within.

I feel like I'm drowing but
Every time I kick for the surface
Something grabs hold of me
And yanks me back down
Into the dark, murky depths of
My own mind.

The absence of light is cold
So cold, like ice, it envelopes me.
I see nothing except black but
then the black is so endless
I feel like every nightmare is lurking right
In front of my eyes.

Living in the darkness
Sighing in the night
Wanting it to go away
Wishing for the light

Everything is broken
Everything is trashed
Everyone was looking
Watching as I crashed

No one could look away
Seeing what I'd done
Watching me in agony
Waiting to see me run

Dying was easy
It felt like home
Darkness is my friend
I knew it all along

Dear Alone...
Utterly alone with no one to comfort you.
The days seem endless as you stare at the wall.
No one visits, speaks to you or cares.
You have people to talk to but the sad thing is is that they are only in your mind.
All those little voices are the reason you are here.
Society frowns upon people that can hear the voices.
They think that means you are insane or loony.
But remember that no matter how many straps go around your arms, or how many shots or pills they give you you will always have us.
We live within you and are the reason you aren't completely insane.
We are your voices of reason and you should trust us completely, or else you may never hear from us again.
    
~Signed,
      The Little Voices from Within

Demons...
That's what they told me.
"You have demons."
"How do you get rid of them?" I would politely ask.
"Oh haha. You don't. They are a part of you as you develop them."
Oddly when I left I didn't feel sad or scared or anything like that.
For some reason I got excited.
These little creatures spun from shadow and hate became my best friends.
They taught me that the world is cruel and to not trust a soul.
What I didn't understand, and would ask about frequently, was why?
Why couldn't I trust anyone?
Silly me...
I was taught why.
Whenever I would ask why, the demons would make another person
       hurt me until finally everyone had gone away.
"Demons! Why must you make people hurt me? I can't live with this any
       longer!" I shouted.
Then the smallest and darkest of the demons came to me in the night and
       gave me a way out. Simple, painless, easy.
I went into my closet and retrieved the black box from the top shelf.
I slowly pulled my Savior out of his cage and brought him up to my face.
"Savior, free me from my pain!" I said with tears slipping silently down my
       cheeks in a never ending waterfall.
And thus, He did.
Now here I am quietly sitting in your mind waiting for the opportunity to
        tell you about your Savior and how he can end your pain.
At last.

Everyday life begins with the yelling from my father and then the screaming of my mother when the daily brawl begins...
Off to the bus I wait everyday whether it's raining, snowing or just plain sunny...
The bus arrives and I get on to take my seat...
The ridiculing begins the minute I sit down...
"Hey fatso!," one boy calls out...
"The elephant's here!," another snickers...
But I ignore them because there is nothing to be said...
Spending the rest of my day among people I don't know or care about...
Sitting through meaningless lectures that no one listens to anyway...
Back to the bus and ridiculing and then home...
The screaming has intensified since I left this morning...
It can be heard from the street...
I walk around back to my favorite tree and the box I left there the previous evening...
I open the box to find the one thing I've been looking forward to all day...
I climb into the tree as high as I can go...
The view is beautiful as I twist the knot in my hand...
The  necklace envelopes my neck and then I'm swinging...
My final breath escapes my body as the last image I see flits through my mind...
The most beautiful sunset that I have ever seen...

Sitting in class,
thinking about you
and wondering how
I ever became so lucky.

Having you in my life
is enough to keep me happy.
I know you're not mine
but it still feels like you are.

You make me
laugh and you  
make me want to
cry

Everything I feel
about you is so
real that it's hard to
keep it a secret

I can't tell you how
I feel because
rejection is something
I cannot face

I want to be confident but
I am not and
because of this I
am losing out on you.

I've seen you looking at me
but I don't think it means anything.
How could I be so dumb?
All I want is you.

If I could find the courage
to tell you how I feel
I only wish that
you'd feel the same way.

I stared across the room at him.
His lips parted slightly as he wrote his name across the page.
When he grinned, his dimples deepened significantly.
His brown eyes sparkled when he glanced out the window.
When I looked at him doing things he didn't realize he did, I fell in love.
Simple gestures like the way he moved his hands when he spoke passionately about something.
The way he ran his hand through his hair when he was nervous.
The way he chewed his lip when he was deep in thought.
Simple and yet oh so important to his entire being.
Everything he is reflects in these simple gestures.

The days went by as if in slow motion.
All I could think about was her face and the way it looked when she saw me.
She looked like a small frightened child even at the age of 27.
The love of my life walked out the door so long ago.
But it's not that big of a problem for me.
Half the time I don't remember anything anyway and the other half that I remember I soon forget once the "stuff" kicks in.
And yet even after the "stuff" kicks in, her face still plagues me and I can't seem to get the image out of my mind.
Sitting in the yard one day I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder and look up to see the nurse.
She says to me, "Dear, you have a visitor."
That's odd. I don't ever receive visitors...or do I?
The nurse steps aside to reveal a beautiful woman who looks like she's in her mid to late thirties.
"Hello.,"she says to me.
"Umm hello? Do I know you?" I say back sounding ruder than I meant to.
"You don't remember me?" she asks.
Then the nurse cuts in with, "He probably won't remember you because they have him on a lot of medication."
"Oh I see," the beautiful woman says.
With that she turns and walks away.
I'm sitting in awe because I feel as if I know her although I can't place her.
The way her hips sway as she walks, her deep blue eyes, the auburn locks that keep falling on her face...
She feels familiar and yet I cannot place her.
Maybe tomorrow I'll remember.

The center of my universe had been thrown out of orbit.
I feel like everything is caving in.
Life has become dull and meaningless.
Little things affect me more than ever before.

Today my friend said "all you need is love".
I laughed and said all you need is air.
He looked at me strangely but didn't reply.
I wondered what I had said wrong.

Sometimes all I want to
do is get in my car
drive down the highway
and wrap myself around a tree.

I could never do it though.
Every time I picture doing it,
I see my family at my funeral
and I can't go through with it.

Sometimes I feel happy and life
is great but then my
depression kicks in full force
and I see the world for how it really is.

The world is a terrible and scary place.
****, ******, Racism.
Behind every corner something
is lurking, waiting to spring.

All my life I've known I was different.
I knew I wasn't pretty or smart.
I can write and get good grades, but
that doesn't mean I'm anything worth value.

But then the happy times stick their foot in
the door and remind me that I am worth something.
I am a wonderful person and I have a reason to live.
I can change someone's life or help change the world.

I am not very good looking,
I'm not super smart,
but I am me
and that means something.

Every day I think about
How I wasn't good enough for you
How you left me and
Made me feel like a fool

Every one of you left
So bring on the tears
You've been hurting me and her
For so many years

The pain I have here
Is enough to make me think
About what I could've done better
Or how I could've found the missing link

The pain comes in waves
And seems to go on for days
We did nothing and yet
You left in a craze

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough
I'm sorry I wasn't right
But even now these things
Keep me up at night

I deny it everyday
But you changed my life
When you left me and her
For you "amazing" life.

Her hair flows wildly in the wind
As she makes her way to the dark, wet sand.
Her sobs are absorbed by the crashing waves
as her body is wracked by the pain inside her.
She stumbles and falls, unable to move her limbs.
Everything in her is screaming for release.
The glint in the moonlight of her beloved
friend and cruel master increases her tears.
She braces herself for the sternness of his voice.
When he leaves she gets up and walks to the end of the earth.
Looking down, she sees the frothy end to her miserable life.
A small turn and she's falling into oblivion.
It consumes her and she tries to fight, but to no avail.
She is soothed by the crashing lullaby and soon sleeps.
The liquids meld into a pastel blossom.
For there is no more pain as she relinquishes her consciousness.

The slamming of the door sliced into my soul with the sharpest blade.
The thump of the car door cracked my brain in two.
The crunch of tires on gravel brought out a waterfall of tears.
Feeling the silence slowly settle in was the final straw of my sanity going up in flames.
The fight that happened was the worst one yet.
Screaming out obscenities and tossing around accusations like there was no tomorrow.
But all that stilled when the back of your hand connected with the soft flesh of my cheek.
All was silent then as we looked at each other with fresh eyes.
I saw a man being driven insane with anger and frustration, while you saw a woman trying to keep the tears from her eyes so you wouldn't see her let her guard down.
The angry words being thrown around are nothing but memories now as you walk to the room and grab your things.
I call to you but you keep going.
Slamming the front door lets the floodgates in my heart, mind and soul open and release all their pain onto my face.
Somehow I sob silently...for a while.
Escalating,my sobs become wails as I frantically grab at my hair in an attempt to process what has happened.
Nothing makes sense!
You're not holding me and telling me to calm down.
You aren't running down the hall to find my phone so I can call my mother.
You aren't here.
I fly to the front door and yank it open only to find nothing there.
Running down the driveway I see your taillights at the end of the street.
I run so fast my feet melt into the pavement.
I reach your truck and open the driver side door.
You're sitting with your head in your hands, sobbing so hard you can barely breath.
I try to pull you to me but you shove me off.
Standing out in the dark I realize that we're both crazy.
I begin to laugh and laugh and I can't stop.
I know I must be truly insane to be laughing at a time like this but I can't stop.
Suddenly I feel something running down my cheeks and sometime between starting to laugh and realizing I was crazy I had started crying.
You finally look up as I sink to the ground.
Hyperventilating, sobbing uncontrollably and thinking that I must be the worst person in the world.
You climb out of the trunk, sink down in front of me and grab my hands in yours.
Looking into your eyes brings me to a halt.
Your eyes always pull me out of whatever I'm doing.
When you look at me I swear I can see your deepest thoughts and desires.
You gently squeeze my hands and say that you're sorry.
Your eyes start misting and I can feel myself doing the same.
I wrap my arms around you and feel myself giving into my body.
I need you and I want you forever.
I pull back, look into your eyes and say I love you.
I say it from within the deepest, darkest parts of me and I cannot possibly imagine anyone else that I would say this to so genuinely.
You say I love you too and then you kiss me.
So gently it feels as though you're afraid to hurt me but then I deepen the kiss and I feel all the bad things lift away for the moment.
It is just you and me with our crazy kind of love.
A love that is one of a kind.

The reason I go on
is you.
The reason I stay strong
has always been you.
The need to live and carry on
is to keep you happy,
but ever since I messed up
and now he's your reason...
What's the reason to go on?
He has you.
You have him.
I have no one...
Alone and reckless is what I've been
since you found another reason to
Go on
Stay strong
Carry on.
Laying awake at night I can still smell
your perfume and feel your soft hair on my face.
Even though you're gone, you still taunt me.
He was better than I could ever be,
and now he even makes you happy.
The feelings I had for you are still insanely real.
Baby I love you but don't you see?
If you're with him and not me...
I don't have a reason to
Go on
Stay strong
Carry on.
You've been my dream for so long.
Now I wake to the nightmare where you're gone.
Everything I ever said was true.
You meant to me what I wish I still meant to you.
You're the center of my universe
but now that you're gone?
Spinning out of control; Nothing's balanced.
You were the reason for me to
Go on
Stay strong
Carry on.
But now that you're gone? Well...
I've lost my reason to live so,
What's the point?

Everywhere I look is color.
Rainbows dance in front of my eyes
and even though I see the colors,
I feel the blackness creeping in.

This darkness never leaves me.
It's always hiding somewhere in my mind.
When I'm "happy" and "carefree",
the darkness is lurking right behind my every smile.

Envious of all the colorful people,
I try to steal sunshine rays.
When I put people down,
I gain their sunshine.

No one sees the real me because
the real me is a terrible demon that
only takes what it wants
and leaves everything in shambles.

I've never seen true sunshine and
I don't think I ever will.
The only way for real sunshine to grace a person
is to become what the colorful people call "happy".

I'm not sure what this "happy" thing is
but I do know that I can never access its powers.
The night is my kingdom and
the demons of this world are my minions.

The beautiful Temptress will caress you in the night.
Telling you stories of wondrous things that are unimaginable.
She'll fill you to the brim with awe and even then it will overflow.
She's what you've been searching so long for.
She's everything you need and have ever wanted.
Her curvy figure is a vast maze that you can only hope to explore.
She beckons you to follow her and you do.
You leave everything  behind and follow the mysterious woman.
You arrive at a clifftop with a stunning view of the ocean.
Figuring out how you got here is a fleeting thought because again she calls
       to you.
You follow her mindlessly to the edge of the cliff.
She tells you the answer to the question you've secretly been dying to ask.
To be with her all you must do is jump...

The wicked Temptress is all you want and all that your eager mind can
       focus on.
She tells you that you must jump or that she must leave and you can't
       allow that to happen.
So without thinking a second thought, you do as she asked.
Upon jumping your mind clears and allows you to reflect in the few
       moments before your impending doom.
You now realize that she is not who she seemed.
You can now remember that slight earthy and decaying smell about her
        that was cleverly disguised with the most enchanting perfume.
You remember that at times she spoke of a place that sounded dark and
        frightening.
A millisecond before you hit the jagged rocks at the bottom of the
        skyscraper-like cliff with the beautiful view you realize who she is.
Waking up on a flat surface you smile thinking it was all a bad dream and
        then you realize you can't feel anything in or on your body.
You try to cry out but no sound escapes your lips.
Suddenly you see something black move quickly across the room.
You try to lift your head to investigate but then you hear a shushing noise.
"Dear me, look! He's awake!" a woman says from across the room.
You lay still until someone or something appears in your line of vision.
"Do you recognize me dear?" the woman asks in a friendly voice that
       sounds ominous but comforting as well.
You realize she is the Temptress and you try to ask her where you are but you
       still cannot move your lips.
She gazes at you with a look that is an equal mix of longing and hunger.
"Dear it will all be over soon." she says quietly while caressing your face.
Suddenly you're being tipped and you see a pit with bright, hot flames
       inside, fighting to be released from their prison.
The Temptress looks at you and suddenly her skin starts to bubble and
        you scream in your mind but to no avail.
The Temptress grabs your face in one hand and again answers the only
        question that you've been dying to know.
"My dear, if you're wondering, I am the Temptress. I am the one who
        'escorts' all the bad people of the world to hell."
Her skin is gone, replaced with the yellow tinted bones of a person long
          dead.
"Dear, I'm here to tell you," she leans into your ear and whispers in a voice
          like sand paper, "I...am...Death..."
With that she pushes you into the pit and the fire's greedy claws.

Hating yourself is a level
that takes a lot of pain to achieve.
To truly hate yourself, your whole life
must be swollen with bad memories.

Reliving old pain is another
level of pain that cannot be escaped.
People who relive their pain feel
that they deserve to hurt...but that's not true.

No one should hate themselves,
no matter what has happened in their life.
Every person walking the earth is
special in some way and is needed.

When someone decides that they
aren't needed, then they have decided
to stop looking at the people around them
and seeing just how many people truly care.

Depression is the monster that
sleeps under so many people's beds.
It haunts dreams and tortures the mind.
Depression is something that can ****.

Saying all of this has been hard for me because
I've struggled with everything on this list.
Depression, Suicide, Anxiety and so many other
things that affect the mind has happened to me.

Never knowing when it's going to hit is the worst part.
One day is great and the next is a sunken ship
full of heartache, tears and torment.
But, it can be fixed.

I believe that everyday you have a choice.
Everyday can be a happy one.
It's hard sometimes to try and fake the happiness
but after a while...you don't have to fake it.

I love my life and even though I've struggled with
mind crushing depression, terrible anxiety and even the
thoughts of suicide,
I still wake up everyday and am thankful for my life.

I used to believe in god and a few other religions for a while,
but every time I prayed for help...Help didn't come.
I don't say this to anger or upset anyone who is religious.
I say this because it can be done ON YOUR OWN!

I've never been to the point to attempt suicide, but
I've thought about it.
I came back from that and more
and I just hope that maybe sharing this could help someone
who is now in those shoes.

I am so grateful for my life and
all the things each day brings.
Each day I want to help someone else because I know
that sometimes all you want is for someone to care.

I care and I want to help whenever I can.
Just know that someone cares.