Most nights
I don't spend sleeping

I lie awake

I don't feel,
It doesn't feel
Like I'm here -

Lying on this bed
For hours on end
Thrashing and turning
And thrashing again
Left to right,
Flat on my back,
On my stomach,
Then on my back

Staring

At whatever darkness
I could make out of the ceiling

And beyond, whatever hovered

Right above it

I wish I could lie
Swear it
By the stars and the sky

Say -

I haven't got a clue
As to what's keeping me up

But I'm past the point of untruth
And I've already come too far now

So this one I'll let out

I know as much

It's everything -
***** dishes in the kitchen,
Bills that need payment,
Reports to be written
Letters to be sent
Dates to be set
My parents' health
My siblings' texts
A friend who needs my dress -

And off my mind wanders

Farther,

Much farther

Than I would want it to
Than I know it should

Up north, down south,
West to east and back again -

Wherever you lie at night
Or sit during the day
Wondering about

How tall is that skyscraper you're building
Still no cheese in your popcorn
Sunday Star Wars marathons
And James Bond impressions
Three cups of coffee
And a steaming mug of tea a day
Are you still the same
That pub that had our drinks out
Before we even got there
Does it still stand
Two blocks away
Like me
Do you still
Lie awake and
Think most at night

But
More than a different place, is
A different time

I cannot keep up

One of us
Could still be in 2008

Replaying every single moment
The day we met,

Lost

In the littlest details -
The green of your sweater
Hair right above the shoulder
And the faintest of crinkles
Your eyes showed
The first time you smiled -

But the other, already

Ten, twenty years down the road

Pieces picked up along the way -
How you liked your steak
The bed you never make
Oreos when you're up at midnight
Beer for conversations
And ***** for celebrations -

Now just tucked away

In a tiny box you keep
Under your bed

Or perhaps,
In one of those storage spaces
You now rent
For all those trinkets
That no longer suit
Your sharp, new apartment

Or maybe
(I especially like this theory)

Thrown away

Never to be found again

Oh, really, I wouldn't know
And there's no way how

After all

It's five in the morning
My time

And in yours,
Wherever you are now
Do they still
Keep track of time
The same way they do today
In 2008?

i wish to kiss her wrists
just like the blades once did;
replace those scars with wisps
of hope life once forbid