In the shower yesterday
I turned the water up
It burnt my skin, I stayed in
Until the heat wasn't enough

I guess that's how life goes
One day we're hit with pain
And gradually it decreases
But it always stays the same

Slowly, oh so slowly
We're becoming numb
To the hurt that lies within us
Secretly weaving us undone

When we realize we can't feel
We decide to up the dosage
Because is life better empty,
Or when we have a purpose?

We're drowning down and down
Slowly less believing
That all this pain and all this grief
Really has a meaning

{NR}

Seventeen
what a terrible age to be
when you were skipping in between nineteen and twen-ty

Soul mate status
you became,
tattered charm
barely onto second names

But you spoke and it grasped me
something strong
too lovelorn and lame
we went on-

Romanticising the grainy photographs
the first date talk
the promise of touch
from a distant walk

Compliments thrown around like
greetings
and it terrified me
all those would-be meetings

That rush that turned out
too intense
and the explosive goodbyes
to false pretence

But there were no real goodbyes
you just left my town
so that was the high
and this,
the comedown

You are not a person,
******* it,
you are a nebula.
You don't have skin
you have island universes of stars
and your hands aren't hands
they're the whole ******* solar system branched out through your fingertips.

I can't look at you
without feeling like I'm spiralling through your galaxy
without losing breath
because after all
there's no oxygen in space

But the worst part is your eyes
those great opal voids
your infinite ******* chasms
that engulf me every time

And I always thought I'd be scared in space
like it's too big, too empty, too unexplored
but here I am
floating
not scared at all

I might work in construction this summer, and lift heavy things to maintain a one bed apartment payed with labor in what determines your place in society; green paper

I might become a professional cross country runner, and wear my legs out every day to earn a circular carved piece of gold that I'll wear around my neck to feel superior for a few minutes, to feel like I've made an impact, when my own weight can't even make an impact on the concrete I step in with every stride I take, and sweat coming down my face like Pompeii

I might be a druggie to eliminate misery for a number of hours, to crack smiles I don't really feel because the key to my happiness broke in half while trying to open the twelve inch thick steel door in my heart...
So I'm using chemicals to melt away all of the metals in the periodic table that made this door impossible to break down even if I had a positive attitude, and an army throwing grenades at it that won't even leave a scratch on it..

So I'll be sitting next to this door, watching these compounds I took into my helpless body destroy the surroundings that resemble my sadness, and be left alone with an indestructible door, and all that I will want to feel... I wont

I'll become one with numbness, and become a still emotion in a dark place with a big door I will never open...
I'll admire its strength so hopefully my shaky hands can clench, and grow to be as powerful and brave enough to attack as the door defends what I aspire to be..
a human with meaning in showing my teeth and muscles in my face, that are truthfully moving without the help of a substance that deceives my feelings for hours
I might've broken the key, and my fists might be bruised and cracked, but there's no limits to will

But time is digging my grave without me moving a single bone in my body
To be looked back at as a legend that did nothing

I'll be posted on a plaque with my name and spirit in it, on a shaped piece of stone that people will stare at on a sunny day wearing all black while listening to the cries of my mother

"WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO, WHY HIM?"

"WHY GOD, WHY?"

Destiny doesn't exist, neither does coincidence
Time isn't for everyone, but it'll be mine
I won't have to rush to feel "free" from this "freedom" I'm living in
My consciousness will know, when my time is due
So mother, nothing will be your fault
Brother, I don't mind you bashing on me
Sister, I don't get mad when you scream at me for no reason, we all have bad days,
And father, I don't care if you never loved me,
It wont be your fault
Just understand that time gives and takes..
Thats all there is to it...

Time; humans limit to experiences

So now you know why I make bad decisions, now you know why I do certain things.


Now you know to blame time.

My name is Janey and I am four
I like coloring books and playing hopscotch
and today i learned a word called "war"
Mommy says that's where you're going
"He's a super hero, Janey
he'll come back stronger than before"
and she hugged me a little too tight
I laugh "Let go of me!" She laughs.
But she's looking at the floor.

My name is Janey and I am six
I like dancing and drawing pictures
Mommy misses you a whole lot, I see it
Every morning when she wakes up sad,
until she brews her dark brown drink
and then i have my mommy back
"When will he be home, do you think?"
She shoos me away and says "Just a little
while more,Janey dear" so i offer my pinky,
I want her to promise me
Our fingers lock
But she looks unsure.

My name is Janey and I am eight
i like playing in the lake and reading books
i don't know much, but I know one thing,
that you're not here
And you're not coming back
Things have changed a whole lot
I still talk to mommy while
she drinks her happy drink, it's not brown though
It's clear
And i don't ask about you anymore.

I need feminism
because men are more upset about people saying "all men"
than they are about the fact that 1 in 4 women will be ***** in their lifetime.

Not harassed, not catcalled,
*****
And that is not okay.

I need feminism because out of the four women
I speak to everyday
two of them have been *****
and all four of them can't walk to their car
without sticking their keys through their fingers to
feel the slightest inclination of safety.

I need feminism
because the other day in my math class
a student said "She was asking for it"
and the teacher agreed.  

I need feminism
because when my father wasn't drinking
he was telling me to be a man.

I need feminism
because the way my father taught me to treat women
was to get them drunk.
It's not his fault,
he knew no better.

I need feminism
because my father knew no better.

She remind me of a flower.
In that she's pretty and makes me happy.
I want to pick twenty thousand flowers for her
and litter them across her room where they can dry up and get ground into the floor.

Everything takes time
and time takes everything;
Flowers, feelings, people.


I'm not sure why I've been thinking of flowers so often recently.
Perhaps I've been using them as a means to forget you.

No, not forget. I could never forget you.
To take my mind off you.
To take my mind off destructive things
and instead onto something pure
and calm and not sharp

This suitcase is mocking me.
It's hanging wide open, laughing hysterically at me with its patent leather clown lips.
It's begging me to fill it with pretty sundresses fit for the streets of Paris,
and it sneers when I suggest my paisley swimsuit for the beaches of Italy.
I can hear it saying,
"I know you're not going anywhere, so can you please just put me back in the attic to collect dust before I get my hopes up?"
Fine, I will.
I'll place my dreams right beside you, I believe they'll collect dust nicely as well.
"Fair enough," it said.
Fair enough.