This Beautiful Boy
And my heart hops in my chest as he breezes by me
The air seems warmer and my mind foggier,
Like the hot, humid day waiting outside the doors of the air-conditioned gym
He stands only a mere few feet away and his gaze circles the room
I can’t help but laugh at his bored expression as he sits in a ray of light coming from the window
He’s an angel with a halo around his head and white wings anchored into the space between his shoulder blades
My stare makes the ends of his light brown hair catch fire, cut short from when it brushed across his shoulders only a few months ago, the tip of a brush splattering paint on the back of his neck
His shoulders that spread out wide against the confinements of his shirt, scorching heat tears open small holes and burn his skin red
His legs, tufts of blonde that are almost invisible, catch my eye in the light, disintegrating into the air, and the soft skin of his knees blister and pop
As they move toward his chest, the colors of people around him twist and blur into nothing
Until it's just him and the light blue shorts sliding up his pale thighs
His whole body is on fire
His pretty thighs melting, his pretty thighs burning,
his pretty thighs his pretty thighs his pretty thighs
Bright images flash behind my eyes and my mouth goes dry
Please don't glance back at me,
I won't be able to look away

Someone's brother, someone's son
Someone’s lover, or maybe none
The real him smiles for a picture, surrounded by his sisters
Laughs with his friends, crossing the street during the day
While I wake up in the middle of the night from the nightmare
Nightmare.
Of someone’s brother, someone’s son
Someone’s lover, or maybe none
Sleeping in my bed,
Naked,
red
What was that you said?
That boy is someone’s brother, someone’s son
Someone’s lover, or maybe none
Naked and red and dead in my bed

I wonder what you would have thought of my stupid words
Maybe you would have appreciated the sheer amount of times i’ve come here
Sitting down on a bank beside a blank dead body of water
What would you have told me ?
To pursue this tiny flame of potential, or to blow it out and lock it up.
You would have known I can’t do that, the gas seeps out of every crevice
There's no way to prevent the spark that lights everything on fire.
I wonder what you would have thought about my stupid words.

I really can't stop thinking about you.
You and your thighs and your hips and your *** and i want you in my bed so bad it physically hurts to think about you with someone else.
You, who everyone fawns over and who everyone adores, face down buried in pillows as you forget what your own name is.
*&$^@ !#&$^&/
I really can't stop thinking about you.
You, with your amazing personality and you're an angel to everyone but me.
You, who I wake up to dreams about you riding me and wanting me and screaming my name for me for me for me for me.
I really can't stop thinking about you.
You, who's good at everything, who's beyond talented and dedicated,
I really think you have an amazing future ahead.
But for right now, I really can't stop thinking about you in my bed.

just lie down
and breathe
just take my hand
be calm
it'll be over soon
but its never over
i have this person at the back of my heels
hes always chasing me
im running
and i trip
he kicks me on the ground until
im bleeding
theres no hiding from him
hes everywhere
outside, in the air, underground, across the world
Everywhere

Its an empty space in the middle of your being
It grows and grows
Until one day you will maybe patch up that space
And be whole
Its not easy
Not everyone can
But its always there,
Either way
Gnawing at you
Until maybe there's nothing
But empty space

Its not a feeling i can describe
Its everything and nothing
Too little and too much
At the same time
I'm everywhere and nowhere
Thinking that im not
Disconnected from a mind
Floating off
Just drifting