I decided some time ago
To go naked from now on
It saves a lot on my laundry bill
Plus I admit it's a bit of a thrill

The town has gotten used to the absurd
Of me being  naked as a Jaybird
Although there still are ladies fainting
And lots of babies crying

There's no better feeling than letting it all hang out
Plus it gives the bridge club something to talk about
Even if it's just a little bit
Did I mention it's cold as I'm writing this?

Though I might have taken it over the edge
That day at the grocery to buy milk and bread
The cashier thought me deranged
When she saw where it was that I keep my change

One thing good came out of all of this
They treat me now like nobody's biz
Although I've never been that cheap
They now give me everything I need for free

There is too much information
In society today
TV, Interenet, Social Networking
We are all exposed way too much
To what is going on.

What happened to choosing your information?
To pointing out truth from propaganda?
Truely in America and Worldwide
We live in a era of TMI.

All the thoughts that collect in my mind right now lead to biting... TMI

A phrase sewn into the very fabric of my thoughts and words,
Let's be weird for a second so that I can feel normal,
Its been awhile,
We all know the feeling,
There is a selfish stench that covers the true sincerity of being on the end of a babbling mouth,
Word ***** so I've heard.
A price for the anxiety driven conversation,
That, one, I? you?
Just want to end by revealing that too much has been shared and all of Hell will open to devour the chosen who failed to keep the mouth shut,
Speak it anyways,
Just yesterday I thought about *******, indeed I did,
How little, how much, how long,
It's not hard to know this moment,
Where a sensation overcomes experience,
The slip,
What a beautiful snipit of what matters,
Taken away,
Becomes some sort of "okay,"
Unless controversy over ego and ego draws a tarnished line of how much I and you know,
I really can only focus on one subject within this,
Uh,
It took me like 8 times to even begin this one poem,
I kept getting distracted, love, children, being a teacher,
Following tangents of conversations and panicked assumptions, those normal thoughts that see the warning signs of danger,
Light up a cigar and say "**** it,"
Charging full speed into the unknown,
All of that kept me from drawing a conclusion to why I really wanted to tell anyone that I like biting.

Saturday morning
Bedroom with sun shining through my green diaphanous curtain
My cats have carved out little holes where sun strikes through, unfiltered
and a rhythmic sound from above
Someone is getting frisky
and has a squeaky bed
And the natural cycle spins on, faster, faster
more intense and finally gone in silence
It's better than violence
but still TMI

I wish you would get deported .
I curse the east European country that produced such a fine specimen of god like features
Coupled with a Zeus complex .
And all the series of unfortunate events that lead you too my small town eyes .
My guts haven't unraveled for days and I have forgotten what eating for enjoyment is as it all turns to ashes in my mouth .
Grief is a my white knuckled steering wheel , uncontrolled sobbing in traffic .
It is "our" dog barking at me to remember to breathe .
It is my mothers kisses on my hands because I cannot turn my head to meet her blue eyes cause they are the same color of yours .
For every cigarette I light I hope you light two
Because I'm drinking this poison but trying to **** you.

i want someone to read my dirtiest thoughts
and not be scared
or pity me
i want empathy
while i spit blood and *** and sweat and pull at ingrown hairs;
while i tell you i’m not sure why i’m alive
while i tell you i’m not sure anyone loves me
while i tell you i’ve had dreams about you exploding,
your insides spread across the living room walls
in some kind of strange irony,
i want you to be as sad as I am
but lovely enough to pull us both out
i want to be saved
little by little
person by person
word by word
secret by secret
until i know longer feel like you would run if i told you i wanted you to run,
or if i wanted you to stay;
until i no longer have anything horrible enough
to scare you away.

I will never get married because marriages don't last.
Being a product of divorce blows big chunks all the time.
You tell your parents how you feel and they say
"we will discuss it dear" but they never do it.
My mom was always on her cell phone talking her
tmi friend who tells all  and how she and strangers
she meets placing personals have fun in her boudoir.
Don't reach for a thesaurus means her bedroom.
It's gross trying to get ready for classes and hearing
your mom talk about *** and big **** plastic surgery
she wants to get to keep her girly figure right and tight.
I got body image issues due to her can't stop looking
for flaws and wrinkles ******* mental complexes.
Need therapy much dumb and vain mother?
Could be why dad found a younger version of you
in evil ***** clone he lives with who loves his fat wallet.
No way can that someone with a hot *** want his
gray hair with more than one bald spot and flabby abs.
He works out but he's got a *** that quit even when
he spends hours exercising at the gym and dancing
trying to be my age saying old **** getting jiggy with it.
I think **** me now when he says that and I hate my life.
I feel messed up in the head because my parents hate
who they are and I hate myself most days because that's
what I learned from them. Should I go out and have
*** with as many men as mom and her friends? Should
I meet guys off the internet like mom now does? Should I
meet a man who will take care of me like the woman
dad is with who loves his fat wallet and great job
and be the kind of woman my dad likes? Would dad
be proud if I wanted surgery to get huge ***** like vain mom?
Would mom care if I had *** with a guy in the back of
his pick up like she bragged to her friend about? Would
my teachers care if I sat in the back and cheated like the
girl who gets answers from tests in exchange for quickies
in cars during lunch. She is tardy for the party and class
a lot. Teachers don't notice what's happening in schools
and they don't freaking care if I study my *** off
to get the same grades and I don't sleep with all the jocks.
Maybe I should because I'm messed up in the head at 18 and
nobody cares about me but me and that's a short list.
Have friends but they have some of the same body
issues and mental ones like me. I'm messed up in the
head because I get accused of having *** and I'm still
a ****** but thinking about giving up the goods to
the one I met through personals. He wanted to cmid and
I proved I'm legal. On the fence about giving away my
virginity. Too ****** bad my mother and dad are
busy and have mental issues and have no time for the
girl they dressed up when she was a tyke but forgot about
when she needed a training bra.

My life has changed... I feel cold... Alone.. And upset... I cry silently.. I dont know how to move on and im trying i really am but i just dont know how. I feel something in my heart that i cant explain. Its like a physical pain but medicine doesn't work. My birthday is coming up and its hard to picture any celebration without you.
My head hurts from missing you and sometimes crying. I know time will make it easier but noone talks about the "right now"... Part of me was amputated the day you left

My heart weighs a ton yet its empty. Losing you has been tough although thats an understatement... Its been less than 48 hrs and i have at least 3 things to tell you already.. Who do i tell? I re-read our texts over and over and i smile because i have no regrets. You kno what you mean to me and i sure know wat i meant to you. I even have u tatted on me forever. We did so many firsts together and this.... This right here we were supposed to do together too... But you left me...

You never think that the last time is the LAST time. These emotions come in waves. One minute im okay the other minute all these emotions come rushing and its overwhelming. The minute i think im alright it just starts all over again. I dont know how to handle it but i do know that time will make it easier to cope with.

Some people know what you really meant to me. Others may say she was just your 2nd cousin. But... I've lost my best friend. Yes she was my cousin but thats at the bottom of the list bc blood couldnt make us any closer. She was my ride or die. Usually i was the one always arguing on her behalf tho bc she didnt have a quick enough comeback ever. My partner in crime, My confidante who knew everything and i mean everything even the TMI stuff. My comadre, i still dont kno what to tell the kids... And they just mentioned you today. My heart shattered in that moment. She was just my person...

I can only wish everyone in this world can experience the bond like the one i had with her. The ties that bond us are impossible to explain. Our bond defied distance, time, or location because we were just meant to be.

Because you are my person and will always be my person... I love you

Me duele el alma..

allergens tickle in
like snorting
Pop Rocks

respiratory passages
closing up shop
relegated
to mouth-breathing

until I summon
pseudoephedrine
to bomb the ****
out of my face
Liquid Plumber
of snot

side effects may include:
scrambled brains
traces of ether
floating a foot off the ground
perhaps the sexiest poem ever written
and tmi

I really think that someone should have a video camera on me when I'm high because I say a lot of ****. And I mean some of that ***** pretty deep and meaningful and then also the comedian in me comes out. Or maybe the clown that makes everyone laugh. I don't really like clowns though. I mean honestly the whole idea and creepy. I mean god knows who the person in that costume could be. He could be the friendly neighbor hood mail man but what if he's a childmolester? And how are we gonna know the difference. My lips are really chapped. I really like this song. Linkin park speaks to me so well. Ahhh now three down doors. Love me when I'm gone. Since you obviously didnt love me before. Isn't that so sad? The way society has utterly ****** with the teenage mind.
Society says "you're ugly. You're not smart enough. You're not thin enough. You're not pretty. You're useless. No one wants you here." So then we finally had enough. We explode. We go insane. We have had enough society says "she was so beautiful in every way and so talented. Oh she had so many people that loved her" it's ****** up. Walking around every day never knowing who you're true friends are. Always wondering whose going to turn their back on you next. Always wondering if all the days I missed practice this season someone would say "it so much nicer without her here. She's so annoying." Always wondering if that "best friend" I made when I was a freshmen and she was a senior. Not she's in humbolt. Anyways I wonder if she remembers she's supposed to be my maid of honor someday. I haven't head from her in so long. There's so much I need to tell her. The pregnancy. The miscarriage. The "am I crazy for wanting to be pregnant again" even though I'm only 17. I'm 17. Almost 18. *******. It's kinda scary. Cause then society comes back and bases our whole lives on what we did during the hardest part of our lives. The part of our lives where our voices in our head scream "don't eat. You're ugly. You'll never be loved. You should **** yourself" and after a while you have to take a blade to your skin because it's the only pain you can control but also it's the only way you can feel anything at all if that even makes sense to feel nothing and everything at all once. And none of this probably even makes sense. So sorry for that. But my mind is a scary messy place. Terrifying and dark. Wow im high. Because the world so low and I wonder what movie Bug saw tonight man I wanted to go with her so bad. But I can't. Cause I'm grounded. Cause they they had to show that picture to my mom. I think I covered it pretty well but my life's hell now. She won't let me do anything and I'm her little ***** because if I talked back at all she'll take everyone. But it's so ******* stupid. Like ahhh ****. ****.  I swear to god I'm going to punch something. Mom even made me talk to people at church. I don't wanna ******* talk about it but if I don't ******* my way through it I can't do my senior project with Danielle and that ******* *****. Well guess wahat. I don't want to talk about it. Of course I'm not okay and you best get off your high horse if you think you are so much better than anyone else who want to talk to me and I won't. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Any of this. Especially my life. I'm really bummed the field trip got postponed. The Nuremberg trials. We were actually gonna simulate them at the court house. Gotta wait two more weeks now. ******* ****. I think I love history too much. I can't even tell you why. It just fascinates me. Something about the heartache and despair I can somehow relate you deep down. Especially during the world wars or the holocaust. Wow I'm tired. And it colds. Wow I'm ******* horney too. Sorry if that was tmi. I miss him. His body against me. A man ni. H ar der. Ha ar dar oh oh ohhhhh. What did I just write. What. Wow I'm really tired. AHHH. My favorite song is on. If you were dead or still alive. I don't care. Such good lyrics. I should text mark and tell him I'm listening to apoctalyptica. Or wait maybe I should text nick. Wait I don't think he's done working. Wait what. It's almost one in the morning. Thad why he's asleep. But I'm 100% fallingig jn love with him. Holy crap it's bad. He's 21. I'm probably just some little kid girl to me. But we're talking outside of work and he's my bestfriend on snapchatting but can you be more than a bestfriend on snapchat? Can you be in real life? Wht about my forever? Can you be my forever? And ******* I just looked at the clock and I started writing and babling at 12:17 and ******* I don't even have the slightest clue of what all I said

I'm eating like a normal human being
To fuel myself
Treating myself well
I deserve it, I know
But it's making me panic

Easier to retell events by saying, "I have a friend" when I say friend it's me.
I have a friend who created a profile on a few sites. This one was for wanting
to get to know someone who writes poems but my friend is a not so good wannabe poet.
My friend is a good looking guy but with working on net  for hours he joined
Facebook because my friend has a busy life but wanted to friend and
chat with people while working who post little of those tmi headliners updates.
He joined Google plus adding interesting lady he likes to his circle.
He didn't break the law last Friday but met someone in a parking lot thinking
she was nice and maybe he was ready to throw in the towel on meeting the interesting one.
The goal was to **** butterflies he's got in his stomach he gets thinking of interesting lady.
He made a mistake giving out his cell phone number after a long talk
at dinner with the new lady he met and who asked him to dine and she insisted on paying.  
My friend wishes he'd figure out she was a Facebook friend who used a different name,
much younger pics and ones of others. She had been trolling the net stalking his profiles
and comments to figure out what he was seeking and what he wanted in a lady.  
He's now regretting his actions and feels dumb after learning Miss sneaky was a fake.
Miss Sneak Fake figured out pretty ****** fast which poet he was posting as.
His vm is full from all calls she's been making since they parted late Friday.
He's thankful he did not give in to her requests of seeing his place.
He prefers living with being patient and the butterflies in his stomach over that
one with fingers that wont quit dialing. He regrets believing she was normal.

Tiger Tiger, burning bright,
sat b’twixt a ghoulish plight.
Will it scupper? Will it sow?
Will it flash amidst the snow?

Born a’time a’lost in wonder,
Plundered foolish lines a sunder;
Hot cross buns peer and sigh,
For Tiger Tiger caught their eye.



Louie Louie what d’ya do?
Made a mess with peep and view.
Did they ask? Did they beg?
Why’d ya need to flash third leg?

Seems to me, “just jokes and fun”
is man’s excuse for crime of stun,
For Louie Louie, clutching stick,
Will he exposed? (well obvs if *****).

A hat from the 'twenties
a slender form
a dark blur approaches
mumbled instructions
to himself
  
A pale face
and round glasses
a smooth, lazy voice
declarations of the mundane
walking down the hall...
  
A strong dose of TMI
with a hint of philosophy,
genius?
  
A cordial nod
My heart attempts to
strangle me
I want to leave...

That is how I know he is coming

Poetry is like my diary
I can tell her anything and everything
I can scream from my soul
In aching longing
Intense rage
Or sadness beyond measure
Perhaps it’s TMI
But I tell her my secrets
I tell her how you taste in my mouth
How you took the time to figure me out
How I love the feel of our own rhythm of life
Indeed no one else understands but who cares
My poetry, my diary, my life
It’s messy as hell

A glass of red wine
TMI, mama
The Godfather plays and nods in the background
Huddling and hiding from bullets
What power man has.
Women are more ******, I exclaim.
Mama & papa gotta figure out their own love
As rings solidify a forever entity
Mankind creates and pontificates within barbie dolls
Fairy tale books, but I "gotta stop settlin!'"
This hummus doesn't quite taste like hummus
And you're right, I do wish everything was organic
As I watch reflections in mirrors and wish
Just ******* wish
That human beings never had to experience
Loss, disappointment, or a deep lacking
Of self worth.

"Like I'm just the ugliest thing!"
No, no.
Our faces are road maps
Our bodies are land mines
Our eyes are time capsules and vessels
Kaleidoscopes full of the colors of our
Echoing past, yearning present, and eager future.

I see pictures of you
Of you all, on the internet today
First love is married now
Isn't it so weird to think: I once was everything to that person?
We made our young vows in the Alabama dirt, in our promise rings, and in the *** we didn't even fully, I didn't fully realize,
We were having.
My sweet lost prince,
You lift another curly haired woman high above the ground now
I always thought
I use to think
That would be me
Our high school newspaper wrote
That I would be "by your side selling paintings in Greenwich Village"
Absolutely none of those things came true.

Thank God.

And you
Oh my most recent, you.
You were the first to text me today
To wish me well
No embellishments, just a simple
Phrase, I responded back
A simple, no embellishments reply
As the GM at a restaurant compliments me heavily on my beauty
In front of my father, we both laugh and blush.

Youth, so much power and intensity in youth
An invincibility--I hope I never lose sight of that.
I came across a statue woman today
At a mossy filled gravesite
Its rumored that late in the night
Her head turns, she wanders the ground
Mama claimed she touched her and did not feel life
But I stood a few inches away from you
I could feel your stoney heart beat
Your calculating strong eyes
And how late in night, you must step
Acre to acre
Covering and hovering above the ground.

All the statues had broken wings, broken finger tips
As spiders on trees disguised themselves
Ants biting my crooked feet
I have loved and been loved
So much in my life
Maybe I don't have it all figured out
Maybe I haven't found my soul mate

But I have tasted a slip, a taste, a quality
Within it all
And like the angel with a broken wing
As everyone else slumbers
We fly above ground.

my body misses you more than i do

no, no,
hold up,
before you accuse me
of being a "*** addict"
or only "wanting you for your body"
hear me out

when i say my body misses you more than i do
i mean
when we
started being more like a you and a me
i didn't like it
but neither did my body

TMI but
my stomach hasn't been so well
going to the bathroom after every meal
and nausea kinda follows me around
it's hard to lift my feet off the ground
i feel heavy
like i don't know to explain
what that means
but basically
my knees are buckling
and there is a bolus of food
stuck in my windpipe
it's getting kinda hard to fight

last night i started craving
fried food and sugar
and okay- maybe that's just ***
but like
my period is a good ten days away
that's not to say
that it shouldn't be this way
but
it shouldn't be this way

i got onion rings
but then threw them all up
because i could smell the oil
there is downright turmoil
in this body of mine
its definitely not fine

i wonder if i have bulimia
but that seems too simple an explanation
there's more to this situation
yesterday we talked
and i felt like i could eat
a three course meal and keep it
but now,
****,
a bite and i run to the bathroom
is it food poisoning?
i doubt it
because if you were here right now
i would be fine

all that aside
my heart is crumbling
my chest is collapsing
i can feel my ribs
break and buckle
because they have no use
left anyway
with all that heart break
and ****

so
i miss you
i do
but my body does too

In many relationships.
They mainly fail because of one involve.
They give out too much information.

What is private?
Needs to stay private.
But for some reasons people loves to speak.

A minister's will advise they only know, what they are told?
For, if they was kept secret.
Then personal information wouldn't be known at all.

Gossip here.
Gossip there.
And when the relation's fails.
Then you feel you should have listen.

When it was you that gave out too much information.
So, when it comes back at you.
You feel you was done wrong.

Think before you speak.
Means more then just words.
Comments, can't be known.
If they was never heard.

TMI, shouldn't be used to apologize.

I heard it on TV.
Everything.
What u have for dinner.
She says.
Chicken.
Silence.
Except, ... for the tv.
That's still on, then making mom laugh.
Everything.
Home alone, two.
My sister is gorgeous.
Whatever.
Tmi, duderino.
Love it!

on the shore again,
away from all the lol's, the ***'s
and especially the brb's

because he doesn't want
them to brb, or fret they have
revealed the dreaded TMI

he wants all their cryptic
and crap-tic codes to disappear, to be
erased from memory

and he can again be on
the Pacific, with his dreams and illusions
making tracks between the two

knowing they too will be
washed away at high tide, as evanescent
as an imho or a ***

though not birthed by silicon gods;
created instead from sand between his paws
and washed away by sea and salt

my secrets are so reclusive
i don't even know what they are
my fears seem unrealistic
like most of my dreams are
my desires are basic needs
giving me a comfort zone
my love I have for you
means I never feel alone
i hate this body i reside in
i feel ugly, old and boring
but your eyes -
the way they hold me -
(could they be more adoring?!)
everything I tell you
you don't always want to hear
'TMI' you say to me
your fingers in your ears...
but above all else you ask of me
and will forever be true
I can love no other (ever)
as I love you...

****.
Where do I start. How do I start, knowing that I can never find the perfect words to express every single little bit of emotion and the billion thoughts that run through the messiest brain to exist- mine. Yes I believe I have the most complicated brain in this whole entire universe or maybe I share this same belief with few other beings, competing to win the title of having the worlds messiest brain.

Having just experienced one of the many **** cramps oh and probably the first of the year, I have to say that I am in great pain and anxiety. My toilet is occupied by my mom and will continue to be for the next hour. Many things go on in the toilet. I hope I don’t **** my pants. Have I found myself? or maybe I jumped to that question way too fast. I have come to a realisation that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. My mind, body and soul has been disconnected and ta da we have disorientation, constant questioning of self identity, a whole lot of self loathing, uncertainty, lack of emotions and the list goes on.

I am now on the toilet bowl and very much thankful for the spicy and alleviating whiffs of cigarette smoke taking over the pungent odour of- I don’t need to go any further do I. I have always felt like a TMI person and sometimes I see that as a negative thing but is it really? What is so bad about exposing oneself and only letting the world know the truth? Do we have to act a certain way in which we don’t address the smallest things that bother us and pretend we are all fine when our wedgies are killing us! Quite tired of putting up a ******* front!

The pitter patter of rain and petrichor helps to calm the discomfort of my stomach ache. The result of consuming large amounts of chocolate and milk on a cold rainy day. This is the start of something new or perhaps something that I have lost. My ability and nature to write my thoughts down. Something so simple yet complexed. Have I hid my innermost feelings these pass few months or maybe...what I have done might just be the scariest thing. Deflecting my feelings and the truth then proceeding to believe the lie I had been telling myself all this while.

You are unlike anyone I have known through out my life. You have a care and compassion for others that goes beyond yourself and that is just so rare these days. You aren't just one of the people who say they will be there, you back it up every time I start to slip back into my old ways. I've been fighting with my head and my heart for so many years constantly wondering if I will ever find happiness. Love turned from something of beauty to one of the most painful things I know. So much heartache and brokenness filled my life from the ones who claimed to love me. I reached a low that had only been hit once or twice in my life and it scared the hell out of me. Then all of the sudden I got a message from you and I thought it would be another day long conversation before it died out like the rest. The one day slowly turned into a week of getting to know each other. I thought you were pretty cool and could fit in with our little group. Sure you had a pretty face and were without a doubt cute but I never thought there would be any feelings developed. Then it evolved into a month of revealing parts of us we kept locked up from others. In a way it feels like I have known you forever so it is strange that it has been such a short time in reality. Now my favorite thing about waking up is getting to read your good mornings or finding your surprise picture you sent me while I was still passed out from the night before. I started to notice how beautiful your eyes were and how even when you are in the midst of a breakdown you still have a shine to them that makes me want to stare into them. Sure you have an absolutely stunning body, there is no doubt you are physically as attractive as they come but you also have a personality that gives me hope. Hope is something I have never been big on. I've never wanted to waste my time just sitting back and waiting for things to maybe happen but for you I have all the time in the world just to sit and listen to you. Whether it be the good or the bad or the tmi as you like to call it. I learn more about you every day I get the privilege to talk to you. The more I learn the more things I find about you that I adore. You look at yourself and you see all the things you consider to be problems, I look at you and I see all the things that make you who you are, the things that make you unlike all those other people who just fade in and out of my life. You brought back a spark in me that has revived my writing, that is something that is so rare. Especially for it to cause me to be able to pump out so many pieces in so short of a time. I am so thankful to you for that. It makes me remember why I started to write in the first place, to get out all of the things I keep bottled so deep within myself sometimes even I forgot they were there. Talking to you it makes me feel like I can actually amount to something one day, whether it be as a writer or as something I haven't even considered yet. You make me want to be better, to be the best that I possibly can. That incredible smile of yours, real, faked or in between, it just makes me want to prevent it from ever leaving your lips. I want to do anything I can to make sure you get to show off that amazing smile. It can brighten up the darkest days and honestly it makes me just want to kiss you. You have opened up to me in a way not many people ever have. You don't just say that you trust me or that you care, you prove it. Looking through my past I have so many things that i regret. Wish I could go back and change, make better, prevent from ever happening to begin with. For one of the first times in my life though when I look at my future it doesn't look totally gloom to me because I know you will be there.

Social Media has changed our lives
In ways both good and bad.
Will it stick around or is it
Just a temporary fad?

Know people's current location.
Even see what they had for dinner!
Find out election results:
Who's the loser? Who's the winner?

Keep abreast of births and deaths,
Parties, weddings and celebrations.
Send your condolences,
Comments or congratulations.

Read up on current trends;
Catch the latest breaking news.
Share a joke or witty saying;
Find out people's political views.

Watch a video clip or listen
To a friend's brand-new song.
Post your favorite recipe.
(Hey, with that you can't go wrong.)

Read a poem or view people's
Photo albums on their wall.
Sift through scores of unchecked "facts."
Yes, Facebook has it all.

Sometimes there is TMI;
Sometimes there is not enough.
Sometimes there is powerful info;
Sometimes there's a lot of fluff.

You don't have to read my postings.
No, that would not offend me.
However, if you choose to block them,
I'd prefer that you unfriend me.

- by Bob B

I have pleaded for a very long time with you and myself for a solution to the doubts and suspicions you had. I would take them away from you in a heart beat if i could, and that is why i spent 9 months swallowing my dignity and taking hits from your anger, because i understood it came from a genuine place of frustration.

"If you lied because we were in a bad place then you would have no reason to be honest since then."
This statement really confused me because the place we were in that caused me to lie, looking back, would not have caused you to break up with me had i been up front with you before confirming to go on a very random lunch. In my head when justifying myself, we were in a comparably bad place for a meaningless lunch to occupy your mind (and i now know this alone should have caused me to never go from the start, and that i do not have to feel obligated to be nice to people that mean little to nothing to me), because it was not important to focus on while we worked on us. I understand lying was the worst thing to do, but it was because i did not want a distraction from working towards a happy future together. You were all i had. It is not worth the unnecessary pain i put you through, and even if you are ever able to see the truth i will forever know i did this to you because of my poor judgement. I am sorry for this and will be for the rest of my life.

The bad place we are in now is different, with us being in this place because of my poorly decided decision to lie for the better good of what i thought would help us focus. To continue any lie since i told you everything would not help to sustain a real relationship, which is what we are now fighting for now. I am not concealing anything anymore because this is more serious of an issue, which is why it has been 9 months as opposed to the week it usually takes us to sort out things. I lied when i did not think it was meaningful enough to worry about, and with someone i have held so dear to me i cannot afford to not be honest ever again.

I hate addressing details because i have said this all before and it doesn't seem to help, but i want to speak on the discharge. Ever since you have known me i have had discharge and always wore a liner, and i'm sure this is something you have always known unless i dabble with thongs for you. Even my mother is aware of this, and if were sharing everything i have been to doctors for this, but i was told it is normal for my body if it is a daily thing that doesnt change. Just like my period, it is abnormally normal. I had never been sexually active before you, and liners were already a normal daily occurrence for me. Not to give too much detail because i was always insecure about the amount i have had daily since i began my period in middle school, but i change my liner (which i constantly have in my backpack) almost every 4 hours or so.

Normal girls don't usually have a problem with discharge whether they are *****, exercising, or just existing, liners are meant to be used solely towards the end of periods. Changing often throughout my day is a schedule i have had in my mind for years prior to working out, and with working out came more frequency to change it.
I went to lunch after morning zumba and a psych class, and i left in so much of a rush to see you after i finished my meal i was not as **** i as usually am about that kind of hygiene. I was also still wearing my gym clothes that day because we did not sweat as much as usual, which meant it was one of few days i did not shower after zumba. Combine all this with me in a horrible and guilt inducing panic, and you have me with nasty stuff i try so hard to hide from you on a normal day basis. I have no control of my body, and i understand that normally discharge means something ******, but my body has never been strictly like that. No matter what causes the discharge, it will look the same if it has been there for awhile (aka since the morning due to zumba). Been there implies both still inside me and on the liner itself (i know its tmi but it is important you understand, it exits my body when i go to the bathroom or simply just exist throughout the day, or quite possibly when i am ***** to make room for new discharge. These are all reasons as to why i wear liner constantly. That is probably why it was there, given i got very ***** when we were in your room so it got rid of things from my workout that morning. I have had this body and problem since i was 12, so i really hope you see that i mean it when i say this was most definitely the reason for what you thought was new). If we are sexually active and i do not handle it in the bathroom promptly after, it will be the same consistency later on. I know that sounds like a long winded explanation, but that honestly is the reason for any discharge ever for me, and i really don't have anything to lose if you knowing details like this could show you the truth.

The extent of my discharge is frustrating to me to hold as a reason that i have wronged you, because it is absolutely not due to me doing anything ****** with another person, let alone not from even being *****.  This again comes to knowing me as a person. When you first saw me naked and wanted to eat me out, and im sure for awhile after that, i was always particularly dry down there because of me over cleaning what i have always struggled with. I am very self conscious about this and i hope i made sense explaining this, given the only person who knows close to as much about this is my mother, so i have never had to truly explain it before. I believe going back to day one of knowing me should help piece together what i have been trying to tell you for so long.

As for my *****-ness, this was the first and only time i had lied to you, and i was so ashamed for such a stupid lie i was very excited and appreciative to hug and kiss you, feel your embrace and have you call me yours. I felt so unbelievably bad even though i did nothing, and could not have been happier to see you, especially due to the fact you were upset with me the night before (it could have been a couple due to the weekend, its hard to remember now but i do know we talked in a car and it ended badly before i had to leave) and having you upset at me for just about anything makes me so sorry and miss you so much.
I am and have always been ***** for just you, and i feel i have been more comfortable to express that this last year than others, as i have become more comfortable speaking intimately like that with you.

My judgement was wrong when i sided with zeze, but we were both deceived, as well as literally all of my other friends, just so he could get in her pants. I mean this when i say it was everyone, amar, saba, ayah, reema, me, zeze, reem. Everyone repeated that he was such a great person and zeze had nothing to worry about. It seemed so ridiculous that we could all be that stupid, and i hate that us "knowing" him from high school gave him some sort of advantage. It wasn't a lack of desire to cut him off, just us giving people the benefit of the doubt that did not deserve it, because we thought we knew the person he was. With all this said, i could not be more sorry for not seeing your intuition for what i now know is the truth, and i have said this before. I am sorry, you were 100% right and i am ashamed for not believing you.

I love your mother dearly,
but i was not exploring my options.
I knew the ******* and everyone else in my friend group since high school, and i never wanted to pursue them and therefore never have.
I knew you for two days and fell in love with you.

You are my everything, and you became that the first time we sat in the ugl together and you completely boggled my brain. You bring me things i did not know i could obtain from another person, and even with you thinking the worst of me my love has never wavered.


I know this is a lot, but I write this because no matter how angry i am to think you could see me wanting to do something with anyone else but you, i love you more than i see myself ever loving anyone. Please don't make me convince you anymore that i love you enough to never want/have wanted anything or anyone else in my life, because that has been the hardest part. I have been with you through your worst times, and when i lied we had finally gotten through so much of it. I'm so sorry.

I will never forgive myself for believing that any lie, even if it was small and meaningless in my mind, would be okay and cause for a better focus and future. I was not in the right head space at that point in time, where it was the beginning of isolation from my friends. I also had moved back home after leaving for the first time, and because of this, also isolated by my family that has still been going on till this day. I should have known better than to even plant a seed of doubt in someone who was my rock and my everything. I am so sorry for thinking that any lie is okay, no matter how harmless i think it is. I knew this prior to lying, and it was just a bad and panicked judgment call that should not have happened. This was a panic that existed solely because you were all i had left in my life that i cherished more than anything, and did not want to give anyone or anything a reason to take you away. Even with you struggling with yourself at the time, i honestly believe you would not have been as angry with me as i thought you would be. There was no reason to believe you wouldn't have understood the awkward position i was in, and i really ****** up for choosing to lie to spare you from being uncomfortable. Granted, you probably would have given me the amazing advice to simply not feel obligated to have lunch with someone i didn't know too well anymore just to be nice, and none of this would have happened. I know that now and i really hope my mistake wont ultimately rip away the most valuable person i have for reasons far worse than what actually happened.
If thats not karma, i dont know what is.

To a certain extent i deserve what i got to show me no lie is an okay one, but i refuse to lose you over something that i did not do. It took a lot for me to own up to such a big mistake, and i feel my courage was depreciated because of the what if's it created. I do not blame you for having them, but after so long i just wish you could see how they are not plausible.

Please imagine yourself in my shoes, and how frustrating it is to be so stubbornly accused of something you did not do for so long.

I had no reason to seek other people, i was finally happy to see you having the mental energy to start to rebuild yourself into the beautiful person i have always seen you to be.

I really want to forgive you, but i genuinely cannot while knowing that you believe i am capable of cheating. I also cannot see how you can say you forgive me when you still doubt my truth. I do not understand what exactly you forgive if you still do not believe me. It makes all my efforts to keep such a beautiful soul in my life for nothing if you do not see my truth for what it is. I spent so much of my being to help you realize i am being truthful, and to lose you after so many months of commitment breaks me. I feel as though maybe your mind is stubbornly using these false accusations as an excuse to move on without guilt for other reasons, or just using my existence as a way to remove all your life frustrations without fully realizing it. I mean it to the very bottom of my core when i say i have never strayed from the desire of you and just you. I would not plea for months to a person and put them through all this, or myself frankly, if i was not being completely honest in what i'm fighting for. I chose you bean, and after being **** on for something i did not do i was still willing to chose you.

I was undoubtedly convinced that this year was certainly going to show you how ridiculous the accusations were and your worth to me, and end with you finally giving me at least the beginning pieces of trust i have fought so hard to regain. Maybe i now must realize i am simply not enough. I did more than i thought was humanly possible to fight for someone. I hope this moved you in some way, because it is the last ounce of energy i have in my body to give away. This has ****** me up for so long, please believe me in everything i have told you. You are not a fool, and it would mean the world to not be thrown away for false accusations. For everything i have done for you, please do me this kindness and remember me for who you know me to be. And please mean it fully and truly if you ever decide to do so.

I love you so much Thomas.