My life has become more than I can handle too. It just feels like I'm stuck in a room full of mirrors, not knowing which direction to go but at this point I'm so stuck I lose either way.

At first I was upset with myself for losing the kids and getting back into ****, and the only way to not feel that was to feel nothing but the drugs ya know?

Then with everyone else upset too, I started to believe everything they said. That I'd never be able to crawl out of this fuxkin hole. My head got twisted and I turned it on everyone else. Like I saw it as you guys all gave up on me because I was being a pos, not because I was destroying myself and you guys couldn't watch it take place anymore.

I thought all my "friends" were actually my friends, ya know? I thought they were sticking around because they cared about me, regardless of if I was an addict or not. I didn't think they were only around because of the drugs, so my loyalty went to them because I thought they were loyal to me. If that all makes sense.

Regardless of how much I wanted to change and get better, I couldn't bring myself to walk away from the very ones I should have. Which in turn, has me sitting there watching everyone around me getting high, and I couldn't leave because I thought that they were all I had left. And I couldn't abandon them like I thought I had been abandoned.

But I also can't watch someone stick a needle in their vein, and get high while I just sit there sober. I didn't think I could do it all on my own, ya know? When I got out of jail this last time, as soon as I got home I got to watch two people shoot up in front of me. I didn't want to call anyone to get me out of there, because I didn't want to make my "friends" feel like an ***, and I expected whomever I would've called to bitxh at me for getting myself into that situation.

Dad died, and we could've said goodbye. You had it all figured out, and I said no because they said he was gonna be okay and I thought it would be best if the kids didn’t go. Not even twenty four hours later we lost him. Not only did I lose my chance to say goodbye to my birth father, I also took yours away too. I could've just kept my mouth shut and ******  it up, but instead I ruined it. A month before dad passed, CYS took the kids from their dad and placed the kids in foster care. Life just became way too much.

I got booked, and two days after I got out of jail M* got arrested for DUI vehicular manslaughter. He told me a day before that, that one of the reasons he did the stuff was so he could stay awake to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. At the time it felt like I couldn't handle all of that. I am the reason M had drugs in his system at the time of the accident, to which two people lost their life's. The man who passed away due to the accident, and then M. The man that will spend the next ten to twenty years in prison because he had drugs in his system. All so he could look after his careless, reckless, selfish girlfriend.

Regardless of what I do now, I'm in too deep. Its inevitable that I will be going to jail, yet again. I'm angry because I was actually checking in with probation and stuff this time. I was putting in effort to do the right thing, but clearly it wasn't enough. I can go to rehab and get treatment for my substance abuse, my mental health and all that as well. But after I'm released, I will still go to jail. I'll more than likely still officially lose my children and whatever I have left. Which means whenever I would be released I would still be in this hole.

Or I can run, with **** near the same outcome. I will still officially lose my kids, end up getting arrested, lose whatever I have left. So why not fake it ya know? Why not act like I'm not lost, like the people i surround myself with actually care about me? Attempt to feel alive, even if only for a brief moment before I reach the inevitable outcome that I have set up for myself?

“You take everything too seriously.”
“You just don’t have a sense of humor.”
“No matter how I react it’s wrong.”
I take things too seriously?
I’m sorry that I’m not always cracking jokes.
I don’t have a sense of humor?
I didn’t know to laugh at jokes at my expense.
Why am I always the punchline?
Why is my mental health a joke to you?
No matter how you react it’s wrong?
It’s always wrong because you always react the same way.
You never make an effort to change how you react to me.
Yet I’m always the one that’s sorry.
I’m the bad guy.
Put me in handcuffs and lock me away.
Why aren’t you ever sorry?
I guess I missed the memo from God stating your perfection.
My anger is never justified but yours is.
I just need to accept the fact that you will never admit to being wrong.
Accept the fact that I will never hear you say sorry.
I wrote you a letter saying sorry.
But now all I want to do is rip it up.
Burn it.
Throw the ashes into the lake.
Maybe I’ll jump in while I’m there.

If he was anything
(Other than himself)
He would want to be a book
Resting on a shelf
He wanted to be a story
Told by a person who knew him well
He wanted to be all the character
Who didn't have any flaws
He wanted to be perfect
The best character you ever saw!
This man was fooled into believing a lie
A lie he had been told all his life
Anybody can be flawless
But with that logic,
All your flaws are amplified
Please believe me when I say
That I made his story true
He was the antagonist
He was the bad guy
But he wanted all the right things
The only thing he did wrong
Was believing in a lie.

How come no-one ever pulls for the bad guy. He's just out there doing what we all wanna do: Being self-interested, self-imposing, self-actualising, carefree, and ego-maniacle.

Really he's the hero- making destiny manifest by his own hands; the spiritual successor of the settlers and explorers, who just happens to have run out of room.

Is it not those do-gooder heros who are villians,  for real, by forcing these noble individuals to abandon their dreams and fall back in line, with threats of violence, persecution, and hard time. They are the very embodiment of fascism, through and through.

So lets here it for the bad guys who keep the world sane, by showing us were all humans, one and the same.
So three cheers for evil!
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!

And I wonder
Whether I am
A good person or
A bad person

I wish no harm in anybody
Yet I have caused harm to them

And I live with the guilt
Of my conscience
Of the sin of a betrayal

And despite the efforts to do good
Am I going to be stuck making mistakes that hurt people

If so..it would be easier
For everyone If
I cease to exist

But that would be running away

he is beautiful
he is bad
he's my crucible
he is sad
he makes me happy
but now he's gone
why'd he leave
it was all a con

ill love you again and again without fail
but it's not enough is it?
love doesn't fix wounds
and I haven't got the patience to watch you heal.

I don't like mustaches and you remembered
You kept it till last December
When you knew you'd see me one last time
You dropped out of highschool for an extra dime
My friends say you're not good for me
And I understand
A dropout and the girl with the principal as her biggest fan
But I live for the moments we have together
From Subway dates to running home in bad weather
My friends don't get how happy I am
How I understand that you aren't a good guy, but not a bad man
You have a warrant out for your arrest
But I sometimes fail my tests
We all have our bad things, we regret and don't flaunt
But you are not one of mine, and I'm of yours I hope not
A bad analogy I understand, but take a moment to see what you can
He's a sweetheart and a charmer for sure
But he loves me for me and that's pure
I dont get guys like that much if at all these days
And I know he means good intentions in all of his ways
As bad as they may be
And my friends remind me
We mustn't judge a book from the cover
Simple as can be

We fight like cats and dogs
That we know is true
But this time is different
This is our final Que

I will admit I am wrong
I've overreacted, I did
I instantly assumed the worse
I treated you like a kid

I understand where your coming from
You only had the best thoughts in mind
I can't fault you for what you did
I shouldn't have been so blind

For this time I am in the wrong
This time I aren't to be forgiven
Because I wrote a poem
To which by anger, I was driven

But its clear this fight
Isn't like the rest
Its not in black and white
As our rawest emotions have been expressed
Which is causing quite alot of distress  

This fight isn't just because of what happened
Its not because of what I just did
Its clear that our built up emotions caused this
This is just the tipping point
Of all those things that we hid

This time is really quite different
We wont forgive and forget
Because I was wrong but so were you
But now all that I'm saying seems like a threat

This time we were both in the wrong
And so is everyone involved
Don't get me wrong
I don't expect you to come running back
I never once did
Just wanted to inform you
I understand your point
But mine were also quite valid

So maybe now isn't the time
That the two should be together
For future reference maybe some day
We can possibly make things better

So I guess this is our final goodbye
As we are neither ready to come back and try
For our fates and selves, have brought this upon us
So in the end, Its funny that
both of us are trying to play the bad guy.