Is this obsession?
Possession that I feel
Or simply the oxygen burn of my fire for you.
Is this how I am destined to see you?
Through eyes disturbed by my own historic fears
When I envisage better fingers upon your skin
A satisfaction I fear I could never achieve.
Is this defence?
My worry that soon I shall be the mundane
That makes you seek the excitement of another’s mystery.

Jealousy does not come from distrust
For I have never doubted the integrity of who you are
I am jealous of actions, not people
The looks, the contact
Elongated conversations
The freedom to be able to say yes
Inhabiting the same space
To share an embrace

I imagine the world looks upon you as I do
With desire and uncontrolled emotion
Where I am the least deserved suitor
And everyone else has more to offer than I
I fear the imagination in my mind
And how it can hurt me more than you
When I shall shrink until you no longer see me
Under the weight of my own self-deprecation;
Eventually leading you into someone else's arms who remind you of who I once was before I became no one

Yet the truth remains
That it is only without you that I am no one.

You can bleach your hair
Or cut it off with a butcher knife
All of this done by candle light,
In the middle of the night

Get him just drunk enough
On perfume liquors in the backyard
And whisper little things about
The parts of you made of glass

Trace his name across
Your open veins in vibrant reds
Mailing him dim lit photos
Of  scar tissue evidence

Crash your car into the drive-in movie screen
Think about how things could have been
If you never let it slip
That you dreamt of his top lip

I sit at the edge of my bed,
White stocking covered feet
Swaying without breaking a beat,
You laugh and tell me, "no more, sweetie"
I give a smile but continue in denial
In denial that this is a fantasy I created after a while.
After months of late night calls and whispered sins
Months of laughter and cocained induced spins
It was when the truth slipped my lips that fantasies and dreams were locked away.
I laid in my cold bed, staring through a screen.
Your jaw tightened and my eyes fluttered closed.
Moments before we had laughed about our fantasies and I dreamed of a alternative life.
I even said, dreams don't come true and you neither denied it or agreed.
You enjoyed the thought of holding me and brushing your fingers over my skin.
I now enjoy the thought, alone in cold sheets of being loved again.
I messaged you in silent fear, will you ever come near?
Near to what we use to be,
Near to laughter and calling me your little Ducky?
You say you are torn, hurt and distressed.
One little Lie and I have to pull up my dress.
I cover my body and bow my head,
My Love, I am nothing but dead.
You don't know it now but I can see,
A day or so you will forget about me.
Fantasy will be locked behind a door,
Dreams have turned to nightmares since you aren't here anymore.
I wish I could have kept quiet,
But silence isn't my strong suit.
I wish you were dumber, after your nose is abused,
But instead you remain sharp and count the years until I can down a *****.
I sit on the edge of my bed,
Bare feet swaying.
My eyes are glued to the bare stop I wish you were kneeling.
I part my lips to return a sassy response when I remembered;
Fantasies don't become reality.