3 a.m. has found me again.

I wake, startled, for the fourth time this week, the nightmare played out behind my eyes already fading from my mind. I can still feel its presence, like fog it lingers.

I have fist fulls of sheets as I lie on my back, my eyes closed. I focus all of my energy on catching my breath. I am an anchor in my dark sea of thoughts, unable to move.
Sinking, sinking...  I am drowning.

Then my husband stirs next to me.

I look at him to my left, his back towards me, fixated by his messy brown hair. I feel my heartbeat slow, my mind calm. Suddenly he is all I can see.

After a moment of hesitation, I turn towards him and reach around and touch my cold hand against his stomach. In his sleepy state, he grabs my hand and moves closer to me.

I feel the fog begin to subside, overcome by the light that is sleeping next to me. I can breathe again.

This elegant bloom
forgot the season
came stocked for summer idylls
picnics by the water's edge
scent of mowed fields
scent of love's flowering.

Pitiful rose
how did you become
so lost in time?
Nothing now becomes you.

So I carefully cut
the stem
placed your ******* vein
in a slender jar
filled with
the last spring's freshet.

You came to life
for us
at Christmas time.
A meager blessing
in a time of pain.
A frail totem
in a time of dread.

I wake each day
with despair eating at
my good spirits
the specter of
a new political order
crouching in the darkest corners
of my place of rest.

******* it!
Send that orange horror
into oblivion.
******* monster
robbing my nights of peace.

There is no sense to this life.
There is rhyme without reason,
pain without relief.

Just the same
I will slog on.
One foot in front of
the other.
Repeating as necessary.
And then letting it go
through the latched gate of time.

My heart I give to you, my heart is yours.
It's bruised and it's scarred, sometimes it's ugly and it's torn. But it's stronger than it was yesterday or last week or a year ago. It's stronger and it beats for only you.
My heart is in your hands, my heart belongs to you.
My heart's never felt so safe, my heart has never been so happy. I'm so content; No feeling compares. My heart is happy and beats only for you.
My heart I give to you, all the pieces that it is.
You deserve the best and so for you, that's what I'll be. If youll let me, I'll keep your heart and guard it, let it beat in time with my own. I'll take good care of your heart I swear,  like you've always done with mine.

The tears dried long ago
We've both moved on
Isn't that so?
Lives intertwined
Together but apart
The love never could
Or would leave the heart

No good looking back
What can never be
You just go on
Struggling to see
What's over the rainbow
Thankful for the past
You just go on
Much of it chance

There is no end
No permanent goodbye
You do your best
Maybe tremble and sigh
We both have moved on
The tears have dried