It is 3:21 in the morning
And yet I do not, cannot, sleep
As acoustic melodies play on through
the semi-lit semi-dark night
easing on towards morning
in which perhaps I will still sit
on this empty bed that misses you
typing those 3:24 am thoughts
that are drenched in you

it’s empty in this room
walls bare and blinds closed
casting only dim lights
as cars drive by, tires over wet pavement
it’s cold here without
you to fill up the space
space that remembers
your presence
how you filled this space with it

I think I will sit on til morning
For it’s only hours away
Sleep won’t come to keep me company
For nothing will
Nothing keeps company
Like these 3:34 am obsessions
Remembrances of when you still existed here

I hope you listen to Blue October and think of how you ******* me over
I hope it sparks in you the
Same confusion it does in me
The same confusion I felt
   When you said hello like
Nothing ever even happened
Like you never promised me the world
And I never dreamed of taking it
I hope you wonder too
What the hell happened
Because I sure do

Buses have always been a romantic thing
Staring out the window
Watches as trees go by and highway lines
Running somewhere going home
Running away
Or just running running running
Staring outside as the sun fades away
And darkness clings to the windows
And the cold too
But it’s not cold here
No it’s warm
Even if empty
For buses have always been rather romantic.

Springsteen sang about glory days
and I laughed
and swore that wouldn’t be me.
I looked around this small town
at these large fishes
and knew I’d find a bigger pond.

But here I am
holding up jerseys
reading newspaper clippings
looking at old pictures
corsages
valentine’s roses
yearbook autographs
picture day poses

and can’t stop talking about
glory days.

We all love
                     falling
                                     in
                                            love
And holding hands that first time
And guessing, always guessing what the other person is thinking

But you know what?
Climbing out isn’t so bad
It means we got out of that muddy hole we first fell into
And it feels
so
****
good
to be
              clean

I’m on a countdown
With only days to live
Before that inevitable heartbreak will come
You are the drug that heals
But with destructive side-affects
We have days left
When you hold my hand and tell me it’s over
But I want to keep living
I want to run away with you
And escape all this
I want to have strength to climb
And to heal and dance
You have the power to give me more days
Please
Please give those days to me
I wish you could sacrifice it all for me
But then someone else will be in this bed
Begging for release from the pain

That song. That **** song.
It's like acid on my stomach
dropping my blood from my face to my toes
from those first xylophone notes
that spell out our end
it makes me sick
actually sick
my stomach churns
grates against my lungs
and it's like a drug
I want to quit
listening and listening
to that **** song
but it reminds me

that you could be happy.

that I could be happy.
if it weren't for that **** song.

eye in the hurricane
calm in the thunder and lightning
blank eyes in raging yells
low voice as you yell at me
the steady heartbeat
as yours flies wild
as your words attack
and you call on the winds and rain
and throw your very nature against me.

in that moment
i was done.

It’s your body you say
           And you’re beautiful the way you are
And don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not
And I’m terrified of the day
                         When you’re the one who thinks I’m not

Dreading Sunday --
    and the blurry Monday after
hit for hit
      and blow by blow
one, two punch
     of a broken, shattered world
I dread Sunday
    and though I be not superstitious
I can't help feeling
    the notion of things in threes
murders
      fires
           fill in the blank
what will Sunday bring
           I dare not think

I am facing grief
I can see her standing not far off
calmly waiting

I won't look down
or avert my gaze
I dare her to look away first
My teeth are clenched but I won't let her know
And my fists may shake
and my eyes may burn
but I will stand my ground
when she finally walks my way

We’re running in circles
Between feelings and reality
True feelings
Expected feelings
Lying feelings
I miss you
I love you
I’m lying to you
But still want to be together
But it’s not that easy
I don’t really believe it
As least not for myself
Better together
Or at least better than being alone
It’s security
Assurance
Not being stuck alone
And through the tears the words that tear
The tottering on the cliff
The absences of any feeling
The circle still continues
Of cyclical dependency
And tentative independence unsure

In you I found
A deeper love
Than ever I thought possible
Or rather
I found it
In me

Finally
A love I could run with

Be grateful. Be grateful
We say in situations of valor and tragedy
At dinner tables and kneeling rails
At hospital bedsides and parent teacher conferences
It could be worse
Or it might be great
Be grateful they all say
For the sun keeping us here
Here long enough to witness life
And death and violence with injustice and not fair
But grateful for the stars and for nights and winter seasons drenched in rain and icicles
When everything is frozen dangerously
Be grateful when things don’t work out—it could always be worse
At least it’s not raining, hailing, fire storming, apocalypse
They all say to be grateful for your friends
The ones you love, but also the pains and heartaches they cause
And the same for family, which causes so much hell in an already swirling environment
Be grateful for this protection by arms
But what about the cause?
Results not causes are what count in this time
And we never think of why, but only the surface
Be grateful for all you have
All? Including heartache and grief with stress and sin and chores topped with lies
Grateful
Is it knowing I am human?
I get to the point I’m saying thank you and don’t know why
But It could always be worse.

I want to go home
And end this charade
This summer camp that’s supposed to last four years
Okay game’s over
I want to go home

my favorite picture of myself
was taken in a redwood forest

I stood next to a tree
at the age of seventeen
and the height of six feet
and about 130 pounds

and for once
I felt short
and not the giant myself

if there’s no such thing as luck,
then how did I meet you at just the right time?

My bad decisions were supposed to doom me
I planned on dooming myself, if I’m honest
but something stopped me

and a month later
I met you

Enter October
we will never leave
and hold tight
tightly hold those leaves
Don’t let the fall fall away
         And autumn leaves
         Reflect the warmth
         In our eyes

I miss you like crazy
And all our crazy car rides
Weighed by time and our dreaming
I miss those conversations
Those promises, those truths
The way we each grew and
Grew into each other
I miss you like crazy
And I hope you miss me too
Because New York is awfully far away

So I finally get what I want
Wanted
For so so long so badly
And it’s never enough
Or rather too much
And let’s just stay friends
Okay.

this night isn’t over
grab my hand
and my heart

I once said I had it all planned out
The colors the music the numbers the everything
Then you came along
And showed me plans change
     And that’s okay
That it’s not when or what or which one
But simply who
And that it’s him
And me
And we’re happy
And we make no plans
Or rather
we make the plans

Perhaps the strangest feeling
is when you go from speaking to someone every day
so concerned for their well-being, their mood, their everything
making plans around them
today plans and future ten-years-from-now plans
what-are-you-doing-for-dinner plans
let-me-check-with-you-first plans
to never speaking
never consulting them
no more how are yous
good mornings and goodnights
no more voiced concern though the worry still there
a forced separation
not of death or distance but of feeling
of we can’t speak anymore
we can’t be lovers we can’t be friends
we can’t be anything but strangers with history

what’s harder
is when they don’t understand

because you found someone else
to make plans with

For the first time in my life
I’m just going to go for it
Not worry, not plan, not be afraid
Just take what I want and go go go
God as my witness and you by my side
It is possible.
It is possible.
It is possible.

You made me feel safe
With your arms around me against the world
But we aren’t meant to be against the world
And you just can’t let me embrace it like I should
So you stopped making me feel safe
And became the enemy instead

My hardest goodbye was actually to your dog.

Hydrangeas explode, grass spikes the soil
Sun scorches all, water crashes on shores
Ice destroyed, eyes beaten by bright rays
Heat everywhere, blue suffocates the sky
We love a violent summer

Deep breath, a sigh, the fresh morning is here
Sunshine has parted the sad dark of night
Early and empty, there’s nothing to fear
Dewdrops on roses, everything so bright
Fortunate nature, golden shining rays
Accompanied by singing brook and bird
All of nature giving God their glad praise
I stop to listen, I seem to have heard
Life and love, two words ringing together
Life is the setting, love is the meaning
Hearts full of love, as light as a feather
I walk alone, just thinking and dreaming
About our freedoms that give our souls lift,
Oh, just to be here, is life’s greatest gift

I’m sorry things weren’t what we expected
That we’d be best friends through and through
But you went your way and I went his
And only look back to see the unnecessary pieces I’ve dropped
To make sure they’re there, away from me
On the ground, my feet move on.

they always say it isn’t a competition
but sometime it sure feels like it

two people have broken up with their girlfriends to date me
another one offered
maybe these aren’t compliments, but I guess I’ll take them as such

Was that awkward?
That night a week or two ago
I rubbed your back – a mother to and from
the drunk and said it was okay.
You said you missed me – I said you too
But now where’s the missing, the I trust you too?

I can do it by myself
   take in the world
          live that wanderlust
      that envied life
but that would be a lonely life
         for I’d have the world
   but I wouldn’t have you
only an empty seat on a train
     a solitary picture against sunsets
a table for one
single bed, single reservation
I’d have to hold my map with both hands
hold my memories to myself
    Yes I can do it alone
but I’d rather live a lifetime
    or ten
without the mountains
      without the oceans
if it meant I’d have a world
that I could share with you.

You at one end
    I at the other
with a margherita pizza
I think you ordered a calzone
or maybe not
but you at one end
    I at the other
knew where we should be
next to eachother