post your post your post your post
circle surrounds circle
surrounds circle
while
together we go down
for the sake of
your education.

you really only have you.

yet you are simultaneously
no one and everyone,
both everything and nothing.

and you cannot have anything,
not one single thing.

observe and reflect
absorb and reject.
build and destroy
build and destroy.

i had never even guessed
that anything
had to be undone,
let alone
e v e r y t h i n g .

or that so much
can become clear
simply by
asking the question.

there is no way to say
what i cannot say
other than to say
i can’t say it.

where is home?
where is home?

it must be here.
my god,
it must be here.

this layer of life,
(or living itself)
is permeable
variable
your ability or
even desire to see
hazy or
hi-def
seeing only what
can be perceived
in that
moment

to be fully present and aware,
to see all the layers
the tilt-shift perspective
the zoom in
the micro
the macro
the meta
the step-back
c l e a r l y

is such a rare
and beautiful thing.

clarity can arrive and depart quickly
a vision through a tunnel
a sharp e x p a n s i v e place
slo-mo
o u t

just know
that once you are unleashed,
you are impossible to
once again contain

however,
you can go into
sleep mode
a haze of forgetting, ignoring, tolerating
forgetting
forgetting

but just because you forgot
does not mean
you cannot remember
although it
may be
very
very
very
hard.

if you remember
DO NOT LET GO
try as hard as you can,
and then try harder,
and then *******
try harder still

******* FIGHT
not to s
            l
              i
                p

however* you must
because
Y O U
must
save
y o u.

i never think about my armour,
but i suddenly realize i have to
because there is no
"load previous save"
in this game.

there is no going back.
e v e r.

there is only
forward motion
with constant revision

and that is a hard thing
to grasp and hold

a strange place to be

forgetting and remembering
entire different
lives and selves.

is it me
that is so
hard to reach?

or is it
all of you?

sometimes you don't even realize
that all you are doing
is struggling
trying to align
a false construct
of what a life should be
with a life
you can actually
live with.

but if you can
break free
then
     you
               s h o u l d.

you can't know something
you don't know
unless you do know
but can't remember
you know
and if that's the case
you might as well not
know at all.

does there have to be
a   s o u r c e ?
w h e r e
is
the
source?

i dreamt
that my eyes
were
itchy and irritated
so i looked in a mirror

they were disturbingly red
with contacts in them
but i don't wear contacts,
and couldn’t remember
how they got there
so i took them out

i looked down
to inspect them
and was shocked
and confused

the contacts were not transparent

they were grey, opaque, and very thick.

there was no way to see through them

yet i thought i had been seeing the world
perfectly fine
just moments ago.

i dreamt
that our bodies
are
timema c h   i    n   e s

what is it like to be loved?
what is it like to be loved?
what is it like to be loved?

i somehow
have to
b e c o m e
the
winter

it is the only
way to be
f r e e
of it.

(a note to self, really)


you don't seem to realize
that some of the things
you are asking me to describe
seem to be out of
the realm of known
things with known
words.

so i mean,
i'm doing the best with
what i have,
ya know?

i suddenly know
without a d o u b t
that in order to become
the strongest possible human being
i am capable of becoming,
i have to integrate
e very
|single|
one
of
y o u.

but the hilarious thing is,
since i simultaneously
k n o w
we are already

o n e t h i n g

there isn't even
anything for me to do!

every new thing you learn
is like
chain-lightening

sometimes,
you can keep
trudging forward.

other t i m e s
the whole system
collapses.

i already forgot
the lesson i learned 12 hours ago,
so don’t ever listen
to a word i say.

don’t test me,
i will 100% strap myself
into a rocket ship
without a second thought
(it’s something i’ve spent
a considerable amount of time
thinking about).

jesus, guys!
what a ******* song!
like seriously,
just listen
(and take the ride)

burning through the sky, yeah

and send me the ******* coordinates for this supersonic good time you speak of.

(asking for a friend on a collision course, a *** machine, an atom bomb.)

will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   find   heart   thought   man   face   place   good   night   day   hard   moment   earth   sun   imagine   better   going   music   truth   hope   air   woman   space   men   hear   break   white   understand   women   ****   black   wrong   body   best   girls   brain   wall   real   lies   sure   suddenly   cry   fire   word   sound   art   terror   stand   blue   path   keep   speak   thoughts   matter   dark   hold   pretty   sleep   thinking   tears   fool   years   human   move   red   state   left   *******   feeling   strange   ****   voice   learn   sad   coming   times   crazy   golden   water   record   wanted   making   glass   sense   felt   fear   listen   desire   sky   matters   power   mine   person   kind   care   hair   bad   queen   breathe   lost   create   song   long   forward   true   deep   winter   green   hey   woods   watch   dream   days   knew   strength   close   cold   moving   bright   stupid   guess   live   quiet   write   *******   paper   fall   beauty   choose   decide   help   walk   listening   bird   reality   pieces   eye   smile   honest   trees   cast   feet   sister   birds   single   entire   remember   money   silence   happened   lips   figure   metal   lines   silver   hate   question   piece   silly   inside   bass   fine   gonna   hell   head   pull   ***   wild   dead   paint   sadness   work   closer   sounds   pain   nice   afraid   hands   burn   takes   chest   year   realize   car   god   lights   describe   fast   wine   blood   trust   high   color   looked   big   ready   call   ideas   breath   alive   songs   heavy   gold   ground   children   stars   build   cool   point   thinks   stay   grey   waves   taught   sit   running   today   walking   smoke   full   fact   simply   family   follow   game   straight   slowly   loved   minutes   nature   sake   grasp   great   seek   girl   literally   free   wood   bones   wait   lose   tree   dreams   sweet   ways   despair   baby   easily   hiding   clear   heard   throw   house   mouse   memory   hand   storm   bring   side   universe   note   slow   story   order   utter   job   young   death   reach   standing   gin   whisper   constantly   revealed   fair   boom   mitsubishi   warm   corner   cousin   brilliant   leave   ****   pay   gotta   education   telling   escape   fly   rush   opponent   second   open   soft   watched   cheese   humanity   country   apart   happiness   colors   gaze   void   imagined   opposite   circles   room   ice   clearly   bed   worth   force   data   save   father   deserve   boy   grow   flow   jesus   pretend   hide   dragon   shape   meaning   hot   nights   perfect   alert   yellow   start   *****   tiny   rage   aware   answer   told   wind   blankets   liberated   crying   idea   decided   happy   school   arms   action   finally   simple   die   sick   guts   moves   wife   sir   turn   tight   teach   attention   completely   strong   yeah   admit   assault   change   liar   empty   knowing   surely   miserable   feels   challenge   forget   angry   lives   happening   shadow   secret   roll   stones   child   purple   reading   hurt   pink   eat   circle   failed   wanting   seriously   guys   retreat   shine   vast   energy   ugly   rare   funny   lay   crushing   calm   weight   low   struggle   falling   pounding   ago   moon   distracted   recognize   ahead   leaves   teeth   government   exactly   land   direct   talk   names   turns   worst   play   fail   expect   legs   hours   center   news   stories   sitting   met   utterly   held   purpose   dance   caught   problem   mouth   future   consider   watching   serious   absence   shining   president   mile   cuz   turned   touch   catch   paying   group   reflected   view   brings   letting   fed   pulling   shoulder   violence   strike   fun   push   reaching   laugh   confusion   heat   add   allow   gods   ink   orange   unable   general   someday   growing   dancing   drama   bend   fingers   pretending   walls   reasonable   searching   neck   brought   grass   dare   instant

does anyone else
k n o w they lose
entire poems?

a whole world imagined,
words stream suddenly
come together
perfectly

s o m e h o w reading
your own mind story
almost as if
an observer.

a glimpse of understanding,
an ( ((awareness)) )

and it is only
together but for
the moment of
creation


immediately the structure frays
the words come a p a r t
| scramble back up |
and it is
gone.

i have imagined
and lost
entire lifetimes.

births and deaths.

ways to be
and ways to
unravel.

noticed and appreciated
and listened and described
and understood
in b r i e f
moments
of clarity.

alas,
there is nothing to be done,
except wait attentively
and with excitement
for the next loss.

that my default behavior
when desperate to
fix an electronic device
is to blow into it
like a nintendo game.

NOTHING is always
one thing
or another.

it’s just not possible.

not one thing
is f i x e d

you have to
allow
for a l l things to
—  (     (  ( ((flex)) )  )     )  —