One day you're laughing in Durango,
Looking across rivers at rainbows
The colors so vivid, lights so bright
you can almost see the happiness jumping out of your eyes.

You would've never thought laughs,
Would become echoes - far from your reach.
The rainbows you once saw turn to stormy black skies,
Those eyes that once shined - now glossed over.

You said we'd see these rainbows forever,
I cant see them through my tears.

C.k

A Warrior they say
A gold medalist
The one going home with the 1st place prize,

But I have won nothing.

If they had warned me beforehand
That years later I would still feel this

The whiplash

They are liars.

A Warrior that has won nothing
A Warrior that keeps treading
Climbing a mountain I'll never see the top of

My mind is tired
If they had warned me,
Or even given me a heads up,
I wouldve ended it there.

If they told me that everything I have been through,
Would bleed onto everyone I love
Causing them to stray from me?
I dont want to be a Warrior.

Does a gold medalist deserve eyes that don't want to open?
So pitch black that they can't even see themselves through
So tired of watching their life crumble in their hands because of things that they can't let go of.

You win a first place prize by helping everyone else,
By covering it all frantically before they open the door to shield them from knowing,

You don't need that first place prize.
Who runs to you to gain theirs?

We are barely holding on.

But 'we made it', right?

You're wrong. You all are.

To say that I can't look at me would be an understatement.
Looking inside is too harmful but in order to look outside I must look in,
A constant battle within myself, really.
Do I flip a coin?
Or perhaps leave it for a later date for when it's built up.

The day comes almost as fast as the excuses that escape from my mouth.

To say that I am selfish, well, that you are correct on.
Never being heard, Constant battles for attention, and a sprinkle of being the only person there for "me",
I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

If you stop and really think about it

We are not withering

We are simply creating what was not yet

C.K

Its the unbuckled seat belt,
the eyes chasing the ceiling fan,
stiffened brows that typically move to the sound of a drum,
fiddling fingers desperate to escape themselves,
an unheard Playlist that used to be the favorite,
the locked windows and doors,
clothes put everywhere but their drawers,
the under fed stomach that isn't hungry
or an unmade bed that's always messy.

Maybe you should just stop stressing

I reach to each side of my bed at night
In hopes my arms will reach far enough
To be able to touch your skin
And pull you in close

Stretching our hands out to replace our fingertips with soft-brissled brushes.
Intertwined into each other as if there were no possible way we were seperable.

Our brushes went straight to work,
Slowly and gently sweeping their way over each remarkable feature so eager to comprehend them,
But too quick to linger.

Swiping off dust here and there, prepping the perfect canvas to invest our minds in.
The heat of our bodies so emerged brings a calm sense of eternity to my mind,
What's happening on your side?

The brushes slyly move off to work again,
Working towards new discoveries about us, who we are, where were going, what were doing. Each one a new reason to love one another more.

Our brushes are still dusting for now.
I reach over and find you next to me;
and they release their paint.

C.l

Those get together parties,
That just a few people are at
Everything is calm,
The comfortable ambiance pulls you in,
Almost as if it's filling its lungs with you.

So fulfilling and so innocent
That you crave more and more
And as you're reaching your hands out to grab it; you're slowly being encased

Surrounded by air and the loudness of a humans breath
He takes a sharp breath in and few coughs follow

Sent to a new state of mind where ones inner diseases can be evil or good,
Neither knowing which is which.

You hear the music on the outside,
And the room fills with laughter.
Yet here you are, stuck inside yourself.
The vibrations are fading and you find yourself glaring at a crack in the wall

Wishing you could fit through.

It felt like a single mother secretly glaring through blinds just waiting for the police to show up,
Begging the school to not make you go home,
Taking a handful of date-**** drugs to try and **** yourself,
Or watching someone you love die.

Why is it always me?

Why do their doings upset me so much?

Enjoy the party, smoke some, your eyes will adjust shortly, though that doesn't mean my lungs will.
C.l

What a tremendously large wall
I had built inside of me
A stunning line of defense
Encasing my entire self
Safe from harm
I walked the barrier daily
Ensuring its usefulness

When I stumbled upon you.
A beautiful dandelion
Peaking through a small crack
On the bottom of my wall
I decided that you
Were stunning too
So I kept you

To others you were a weedy
An annoyance a stairway into weariness
To me you shined so bright in the sun
I couldnt help but keep them from hurting you
I didnt let any bystander pick you

You grew friends
Exquisite bright yellow dandelions
Everywhere on the interior of my wall

I became astonished and aware
That my quiet little flower
Had overgrown my town
Protected by my wall

I thought nothing of it
In fact,
Seeing my flower and its friends
Made me ecstatic
I felt peace

Days passed in my wall
And dandelions were everywhere
Clouding my defenses
Ruining my senses
I couldnt walk my barrier

There were too many


My flower...
You have poisoned my thoughts

Signed, C.K.

You change your bedtime
Your wake up time
Your job
Your hair cut, or color.

Your house,
Your room.

What you watch,
What you listen to.


All of the easily changeable things

But the thoughts aren't changing

You try fixing them by ignoring them,
That change didnt work.
You start changing physical things and emotional attachments;
That change didnt work.

How can I stop my mind from running me into the ground?

I cant alone.

C.k

They'll tell you that you mean the world,
But then turn around and treat you like a grain of sand.
They'll tell you,
That it will be over soon.
That things are changing and that you will be happy once again.
They'll tell you,
That they'll make time for you,
In just another minute.
They'll tell you,
That they don't like that certain lip color on you.
Or your favorite shoes that you spent a lot of money on.
They'll tell you,
That you can't hang out with your friends,
Just for them to leave with theirs an hour later.
They'll tell you,
They'd give anything to spend time with you,
Just to spend hours and days on end on a game.
They'll tell you,
That you're the best thing that's ever happened to them,
But leave you crying in bed alone when you're feeling your worst.

They'll tell you,
That you are not good enough for them
Or anyone for that matter.
They'll tell you,
That your family hates you and doesn't deserve your time.. and you'll listen.
Even though you know otherwise.

They'll tell you, that you're the toxic one.
When in all reality you're just the poisoned one.

Our hands touched for the first time
In what seemed like years,
You are a stranger to my heart.

You slipped your hand from my grasp,
Not feeling my heart aching for you

You shut my car door
One last kiss on my cheek
And sent me on my way.

I contemplated my life;
In my car
For four and a half hours.

Singing my heart out to the playlist
That I made for you
Confused
Lost

I had a sense of hope
But also a sense of nothingness

I want you to want me,
The way I want you.

But it's hard to tell that to someone who
Just said
"I can't be with you"

My head is a notebook filled with the remains of ripped out pages,
Torn to shreds,
Little to nothing left.
I walked in with a needle and thread;
But have you ever revived a dead person ?
But have you ever died?

Pages are ripped clean
No more jagged edges
Am I right

I walked the halls feeling whole
And since I've woken up
I haven't felt that again

Are you Ok? How are You?
Leave me alone
Take me back
The beep beep beep, faded to nothing.
I am outside of my body.

I see you.

It's cold here; but my hearts warm.

Let me stay.

"I'm actually kinda tired."
But I wasn't tired
I was hurting so bad
But I didn't want you to know
Just how bad you had wounded me
And just how much I couldn't let you go.
That I just lied to spare your feelings...
I actually couldn't sleep
C.k

It's such a wonderful feeling
To wake up next to you,
One arm still wrapped around me,
Your face still so limp and unaware
The sun shining in,
Only allowing you to astonish me more
With every inhale
And every exhale
The slightest of cheek kisses wakes you,
Your eyes flutter so softly awake;
And as you start to grin a little "good morning grin",
You don't even realize how much my heart feels for you.

C.k