What am I sorry for?

Not being enough for anything or anyone.
Not knowing all the answers not one
Not knowing if I believe in God as three not one.

I really want you to be happy
But how can I when I'm falling apart from the inside out.

I'm sorry I can't keep up with you
Your learning pace at a walk and mine a snail trail of a sad blue.
I try so hard but I will never be like you - smart, capable, intelligent and athletic with that hot *** in shorts of blue.  

Comparison is a toxic relationship
I'm trapped in an endless cycle of contrasting those who are better than me
at academics, athletics or even that 2 year cute couple relationship.

I feel like I'm a mess
I can't work it out when all their success blinds my light to see straight much less.

The voices, they tell me
I'm not enough
Not pretty enough
Skinny enough
Smart enough
I'm weak
I'm worthless

You get the picture
Never-ending thoughts
Getting louder and LOUDER
As long as you believe it.

They party so hard your head hurts.
Your tears are never-ending, red eyes, rosy cheeks.
You can't hide it now.

This is what anxiety does to me.
I'm not another stressed out teenager, I struggle with this all the time.

It makes you feel so alone, even though you're surrounded by loved ones. It highlights your imperfections and all you envy or are jealous of.

These demons won't go away, but with support from people who know understand and care, make people like me feel valued and that life is worth it despite our struggles.

I try to hide it
Mask it
Fake it
Suppress it
If I cry I'm weak right?
No one can see me cry
I hide my face in my arms
Head down
My eyes have blown my cover
My heart getting quicker
My thoughts getting bitter
I must look up for a while
Smile
Pretend
That everything is okay in the end
But it's not... not now
I wish I could hide
But I have no where to abide
So I stay low
And not let people know
I'm about to break
The suppression of what they call a freak
I runaway
From everyone who comes my way
There's no escape for me
I have to face reality
I need help
Voices strangle those thoughts of "it's okay to get help"

I wish it were easy
Life is not breezy
It hurts
It will hit hard where it hurts
But keep trying
Never give up or stop trying

You are needed
You are worth while
You are special
You are loved
You are strong
You are capable
You are beautiful.

My breath getting quicker
Blood pulsing through my head
My thoughts are one too many
The noise around me is muffled
The symbol of sadness in my eyes
Gathering to run down my face
Quicker breathing
Faster thinking
Summoning my demons to control my mind
They say I'm not good enough
But I know I am good enough
They tell me I'm not
How can they prove it?
A constant war inside my head
To prove my worth that never existed to begin with
I must hide, people think I'm weak
I know that's not true, but how will I know?

Now...I have those feelings
But they are more controlled
With therapy
With drugs
To suppress my extremes
This mental illness doesn't mean I'm weak,
It means i conquer more challenges than the average person.
Happy pills calm my anxious heart and my stubborn mind
To suppress the sick feeling of failure
To suppress the endless worry of my future
Medication.
It doesn't cure you, it relieves the illness
I have a mental illness

Parents love you
They do what they can to help you
They mean well, but they don't know
The way I think or react
Thinking why and how, that's a fact
I'm always over...
over the top
over-thinking
over-analyzing
anything to say I think too much
I feel too much
I see too much
I do too much
Since when was that a problem?
Because you think I am a problem

Parents love you
But they don't understand you
You try to fix me feeling
but you do more harm than healing
They don't see what you see
They see their kid overthinking
But they think of possibilities
along with other probabilities
I'm not a person anymore, I'm a problem
Your thinking is my problem
I'll never be enough for you
I'll never have enough to impress you

I cry myself to sleep at night
To be rid of my own fright
You had to take a bite
Of my free flying kite

Because of you
I was never blue
Being with you
It was a dream come true

You didn't go down without a ****** fight
To see who was wrong or right
You made me feel bright
Now I must take flight

You made me feel like a princess
You told me I was priceless
To never think less
What we had was meaningless

Now I must go
And leave the dark shadow
To go and grow
At an all time low

You were never there for me
When you were right in front of me
I cry and plea
But all I can do is flee

Because of you
I can never be true
I can never see you
How can I believe you?

In the face of my depravity
For God so loved the world he died for me
You truly make me happy
Like that adorable puppy

You only played me
You never thought I was happy
I am a flea
You are about to step on me

What is death like
It's not riding a bike
Don't get a psych
It's never worth a like

Darkness is what consumes you
Because you always feel blue
And you can never be true
We are through me and you

Love, what is it but a world of confusion
a message through a mask
created by a fake fusion
It's all they want to ask

The most powerful magic of all
we can never live without
when you're always there to break my fall
I never really had a doubt

opposites attract
that's what they portray
That's what they call abstract
get ready for my card I'm about to play

Life's a game
Is there a prize in life you may say?
and I can tell you now it's not fame
Love, that's the card I play to you today

Words paint pictures
But words will never describe the finest detail of an artwork
Words can't let you see the beautiful characters of this unique person
Words tell stories and those stories are people's lives
Words tell us everything
But with drawing
The sky's the limit

What am I thinking?
Stuck, stumped, blank memory
What's an idea?
Or just as much as I can't say
What do I do?
What's happening?
What can I do?
What can I add to my story?
I'm staring at my screen, my mind losing memory
What else can I do but wait.
When is it due?
I don't know
What can I do?
When will that thought come to me like a flash of brilliance
Just appearing out of nowhere
Sigh C'mon give me a chance
When will it come?
I don't know
What can I write?
What will happen in my story?
Well let's see

A rainy day, a sad start
Running for cover, not a trace of notice
An empty shelter, a place to be alone
Seeing everyone's happy faces, except mine
Being alone with my head in my hands
Tears running down my cheeks
Like shallow creeks with a shallow streamline
People come and pass I say I'll be fine
I feel like I'm too different
Like I'm the only person left of my kind.
I never feel important
Yeah, like anyone cares

As I walk home from school
I realised that sometimes it's ok
Being different to everyone is meant to be a good thing
Some people just have to realise it in their own way
I now feel happy about what I can do
Because I could never think, act or do anything like anyone else could do.
And now I realise that makes me, me