I'm exhausted with life
Lost all enthusiasm for it
I get nothing done..
falling behind .
I feel I'm losing touch.
Seems
the hat drops more frequently
never in the same spot
causing both my eyelids to quiver
nails digging in the skin
palms cuff my ears
trying to mute the sound
when it lands.
Withstanding as much as I can
before I black out .
Waking up
eyes sore matted shut.                      
The lump in my throat still there from
  the night before.
Never cared so little.
Never have I just stopped watching
    the moon fall asleep
having my coffee
telling the sun
good morning

And so I ate the dope again
hard know where to begin
it was great
Made love started off in the shower
Was all awkward just picture a rope bridge
then I had to go *** again
what's become of me
I don't know
mr. Wrong
I guess
everything right I never do
Mr nascar I guess
Yup going in circles
  f up I don't care
70 and I'm swerve
the car can't walk straight all the way there but ...
least I made sure you're back home
that's the kicker
I was just hiding in the closet
After you head-butted me in the face
calling the cops and I ate the dope again
I supposedly sabotage you
hey it's all good
my car breaks down I'll just walk
she don't see
that I love her
do anything for ever
Ever since I met her.
it seems that she notices me
yet it's just cuz I'm there
She says I'm the one
but not the one you're thinking of
I'm the one that did it
everything that's her past becomes me
it's crazy it happened so fast
I'm guessing three years now
I'm hiding in the closet
just got my nose smashed
yes I'm still complaining
that s** hurt
just as much my fault
we both lovingly provoke
till death do us part
I don't see that I love her
and I still do
I see that I need to leave her
I know it's something I won't do
I see her come out sometimes
it makes me sad
that beautiful little girl in there
now something else
it's not her
maybe
this is the monster in me speaking
Maybe I am the one that's insane
I can't tell right from wrong or anything anymore
all I know is that ive seen her
and that seems alright with me

Numb to the facts
I'm immune to this
second-guessing confusions
the answers I once had
colliding in my head
catch fire exploding
even without hesitation
nothing I can do to stop it
once saw the pictures
glimpses of a hopeful future
but now adjusting an antenna
sitting
watching my reflection
reflecting failing
my view I can't put it in perspective
fog maybe snow
clouding my view
all I'm getting is static
The fallout taking over my screen
pounding my head til my knuckles bleed
I don't flinch
I can't feel anything
there's no tears
already on the floor at my side
uncertain of what lies ahead
speaking of the future as if it were already past tense
I broke my own heart I'm dying.
Gave into letting go
A single memory falls off my cheek
Chest barely rising
watching this blurry scene
My past the only one who remembers
What it was like
when I used to be me

I fell in love with the way your
                                                body flowed
but overlooked
                   the rapids in the distance
so now
         I'm trying not to drown
                                                hoping instead
   I'll just be swept out to sea

I don't want to write
the light anymore
estranged from myself

I don't want it
no I'm not happy
I'm absent hearted
handcuffed to the tracks
no bravo no encore

Didnt care for the movie
much less the ******* replay
feeling the ties start to vibrate
my back numb from the steel

got a smile on my face
the key in my hand
it saddens me
all i see
a piece of scrap paper, pencil
two worn out hands

The rest
is all in my head

Is it  worth it I wonder
Trying to look past the obvious
Going thru it
Over and over
Taking credit I feel
I don't deserve it
Was maybe once
Didn't see that you weren't
Genuine feelings no mistake I fell over
Learning nothing by looking at the cover
Hard time remembering
Understandable
Repetition subtle hints
Left undiscovered
Selective memories
Hundreds of me I used to be
Countless others I'd never let happen to you
Situations not necessarily circumstantial
Always without words my end
Multiple choice
Was you I wrote in
Confused I'm not
Delirium
I'll cut my ear off

Flower

She has this look
A sad one
Broken
A smile that cries
Shoulders that carry the world
That holds ours too
She's not looking at me
Turns her head
Body moves to the side
Confiding in the dirt
River behind her eyes
Only a few drops fall off her cheek
She never thought it got any worse
Blaming her feet for taking her here
Hate seeing her like this
beautiful in her vulnerability
Wish I knew what to say
Wish I could be like that
When it's too much for me to handle
When I'm falling apart
That I to could do the same
Pour my heart out
On my knees on a barren landscape
Pleading with the earth
Sobbing why
no reply from the universe
She thinks she's nothing
But she doesn't see
The Flowers in her footprints
All the life she leaves behind

lost the world
Forgot to care
Falling out of the unfamiliar
Felt strange
  like I had been there before
thoughts quietened
  My anxiety felt at home
  At peace
  Their opinions didn't matter
  Didn't care
  Stacked them high as I could
  Just another brick in the wall
  Separates them from me
  Laying here in the sand
  Hear Floyd above the waves
  Ocean crashing into me
  Making a little more sense each time
  Wish you were here to feel this
  Like walking on the rails at midnight
  Never noticing the train
  Alone
  Free
  And in reference to another one
  I was finally
  Comfortably numb

He says have a great day
She says nothing
He says I love you
She says nothing
She says don’t be angry
He said nothing

ywsm

Head over heels

If I'm wrong
I hope she stays gone
she doesn't need another piece of
Girl like that doesn't deserve this
I don't know anymore
I can't tell the difference
where am I
am I tripping again
what part of the brain am i freaking living in
is this really reality
maybe I'm hallucinating
I'm not sure if I'm falling
just in case I tighten my grip
in the past ive fallen harder
but at that time I was just livin
finally starting to see life
didn't fit in and didn't like it
said ***** it smoke a bowl
might be the last one, day
or maybe both
people say it takes everything
that's hard to do
when I already gave it all to you
you said my possessions
I said ours
what I'm about to say
I hate to
sounds corny when I think it
even worse when I said it
pathetic
I got no one it's just me
needed a
ended up with nothing
nights that always stayed
nights I was down to my last breath
nights I'm not sure what happened  
would it matter if I did remember it
this might be hell
I don't see a difference
this a dream
is what she's describing
really me
this all an act
Am i staring in my own play
I can't swim
I fell off the deep end
she's right
I am freaking crazy

They say keep your head up .
both feet on the ground
but it's hard
when one looks up
sees how far they are below.
I'm worthless
My hands are on fire.
My head is so f** cold.
I'm useless.
looking for anything
to steady myself.
panicking more and more.
the faster my head starts to spin.
lost all sense of direction.
this Compass lying to me
Thought you were my friend
telling me where that point goes.
that right arm
I've already put it in.
the earth keeps turning
I beat Gravity
yet lost myself all over again

1849

laying down at night thinking

wondering if it’s worth it to think about

hoping it’s not all what it seems

wishing for the moon to hurry

bringing The tide up past my feet

waking me hopefully

another life still me

dreaming dreams

crawling out of bed

no recollection of anything

how do I know

how do I know I’m not someone else’s dream

again and again being woke

seems like it took all night

but really just a few seconds

is this it

the end

why would it be different

just a glimpse

a lifetime in a moment

mine or yours

is it over

if I’m there but here

shouldn’t I feel it

is it right to say I’m mine

when ours makes more sense

-ywsm

It is
what it'll never be again  
happening as everything
climbs and falls back down.
I'm here cause I wasn't
because you're not yet
If there's us
then there's them
talking to
the same sky
saying that us
  this hell
To it
It is
heaven

That dream again
recurring melodies of waves lifting my spirit
the harmony soothing
Making me more comfortable than I've ever been
daydreaming in a dream
gazing at the scenery
tips of my fingers wading in water
  Cool to the touch
Seems perfect
and it is
It's hard to explain
As if each eye sees something else
  an overlay so to speak
because it's cloudy and then not
I can see the sun's rays
but I can't feel its heat
dog days of summer
But common sense is telling me I might need a jacket
It's bright out I almost have to squint
The water reminds me space
Unending
There's a mist sitting just above
I imagine it the same color blue
The air is heavy but no humidity
Everything around seems still
Floating around in the atmosphere
Surrounded by clouds
I fall
I see myself as this is happening
Face to face
I don't know if he sees me
He looks lost in thought
Yet completely aware of everything
Time almost pauses
maybe just waited
It's us concealed by mist at the bottom of a waterfall
A nightmare or
I cant tell
it's a scary kind of beautiful
And
That's it

I lost three people that day    
Three parts of me
Two well I guess three I'll never see          
The best part of myself
at the time hated
A third of my life I told myself
I wasted
   Hard to cope
Relying on parts of the brain that don't work
  over and over
the blame ,you and me
sit on a merry go round
leaping off
I'm  about to be sick
Confused,dizzy
in a whirlwind of memories
lost in moments I can't explain.
I can't point the finger at either of us.
How'd I get so lucky.
How'd knowing each other a few months
Turn into a celebration at coaches down on third street.
In love.
A team.
So in sync our presence felt like one.
They'll never have me
because getting rid of you
is the same as me to
When I told you
you'll never get me
You did and still do
The other two
my will and my sanity      
no drive left for life
I don't even walk
barely crawl.
I dont care about a love like that anymore
and the one thing that's ******* driving me mad.
My worst fear is actually coming true
  I'm gonna die alone with you.

Happiness is nothing in the light

it’s not what i see

not the one at my side

nothing that occupies space

happiness is what’s there when I close my eyes

a lullaby sung by the night

that let me forget the world

remembering

exactly who and whomever I am

If it’s just a dream

then tell me your nightmare.

Joy and pain

numerous feelings

new emotions I could never explain.

There I never felt lost.

There I’m not alone

I’m safe

Happiness is a dream to me

Sensing a sixth

so I went back to the place where it happened

where I had believed.

I'd started over.

A new beginning starting with the end.

I want to laugh

but I need to cry.

Honestly....

I couldn't tell you how I'm still here. How I'm still alive.

I lost everything I never had.

searching

wanting something

I cant explain why

I wanted nothing so bad

Chasing death

but he ran from me.

Good things come to those who wait. In my experience bad things do to.

It seems different now.

I can feel it.

Aurora of everything that surrounds me has been colored over.

Even the leaves the wind blows are ending up in the wrong place.

They don't belong there

Just like i feel I don't belong here

it isn't right

and in a way it isn't't wrong

Falling asleep

I'm walking in a memory.

Sitting in the company of my loneliness.

Wondering if my words are still there.

I know I wrote but most of that night is a blur.

I do remember the paragraphs left on the back bedroom walls.

The holes in the ceiling from the chair

after it shatterd the mirror on the vanity.

The crack in the bathtub from stomping every piece of electronics that had value.

Turning on the water ruining everything.

They were never around.

They didn't deserve anything.

Standing here in a coma-like trance.

Painted paragraphs on the walls
Bic pen around the window above the sink in the kitchen.

One is the reasons the other apologies.

Walked out the door that night That morning woke up next to a gas station out in the middle of nowhere

Now I stand here reading the suicide notes that bled through.

These messages I left for myself

I didn't expect to come back

This scythe tickling my neck tells me I'm right

Probably the worst day of my life

The closest I've ever came to death besides tonight.

Staring at these walls

warm light sets on my shoulders

A black haze creeps at my feet

I can see the shadows on either side waiting for a decision.

it's a game to them who gets me

Still I don't turn around

continue to stare at these walls

looking between the beginning and what could be the end

what did I miss.

Had i at all.

Knowing they see my thoughts

I ask them nothing

eacth pulled me in a different direction making my choices justifiable.

I was never good enough to be good

never bad enough for the bad

feel like I've died a thousand times

I've given enough

so much I ended up slipping through the cracks.

left in that small space

.life is easy

you two made it difficult

I don't want to see your faces

Do not want to remember them

you do not deserve to see mine.

my decision is this empty space

this little place in purgatory

this is my home

I've been owned
but not wanted a
f* up feeling
a silhouette
a mirror of her shadow
always there
but out of sight
forgotten out of mind
scolded when convenient
Scared to be alone
Pushed out of the way
Finding the nearest light
Make sure im still there
Relief of some sort
Paraded around
Never sure what to say
Scenes i dont care to explain
Beat for what I did and didnt say
quiet, blank, expressionless
I feel them looking
Refusing attempts
Catching their eye
I wasn't staring at her
promise I wasn't
Counting tiles
"Oh i bet.."
186
"What are you talking about.??"
186 panels on this drop ceiling
"Whatever...."
Maybe i was wrong
hmm..
So I start again
Counting the time
Every day each minute
struck by the hour
second hand across my face
Like clockwork
Never-ending predictable
Counting sheep
drifting off to a place
It doesn't hurt
A few hundred or so
Finally I
I
fall asleep

This rock a hard place and me

crazy it just hits you.

Your heart’s beating so  fast

Trying, taking it slow

getting up still dizzy

wobbly like a top on its last few spins.

Is it me or everything around

Falling to the ground

I’m stationary but vertigo

Free falling over almost dead.

Freaking out let me go.

Enclosed losing my grip

It won’t let go.

You’re closing in

trying to talk to me

I hear nothing.

You cry out of frustration.

I’m sitting here *******

Every emotion at once.

I can’t control what I do.

It’s blacking out without the black.

Sleepwalking

more like a puppeteer

These strings my fuses I explode

Appreciate the help.

Stop it.

Makes it worse.

I don’t want to hurt you I don’t know how to stop it.

screaming.

going bonkers.

Three sheets to the wind.

My knots are tight.

**** that ship.

I got no patience.

Let somebody else wait.

No drugs, no legs,

come hell or high water

I’m dipping, tripping,

Lt danning rolling the **** out.

You don’t have to be close.

I’m heading to Walmart

I pull in and pull out

no kids no need for plan b.

I bust right there

making a scene in front of the crowd.

Sorry folks…

Will Power has left the building….

*******

That ***** never went in.

amber alert!

Just lost another piece of myself and your data.

I know right.?!

Balling my eyes out.

At the buzzer

but the wrong end of the court.

I wish I could pinpoint when it started but I can’t.

I don’t know how or when

What it felt like.

A doctor?….

How?

Somebody to talk to…

How am i supposed to

when its locking the doors on my ten speed before i can get out.

It makes no sense

Should I get drunk today

Some brain decorating

Get pilled out

so only truth is heard

When there's no doctor around

I doubt that’ll work.

Watching from the inside.

Squinting from a cell behind my eyes.

Controls me.

I have a few good days here and there

most of the time it’s ruining me.

Their thinking I’m nuts

He don’t know what the **** he’s doing

Ive been good at everything I’ve ever done

Every job promoted

I push myself so hard.

I can’t do anything

shaking

Frustrated

Seems like I’m taking it out on you but I’m not.

I’m harder on myself than anybody could ever be.

To the point I’m **** near crying

Sitting at work with a gun in my mouth.

Trying.

I can’t even do that though.

I’m a slave to my anxiety

no longer have the courage to ask why

ywsm

Numb to the facts
I'm immune to this
second-guessing confusions
the answers I once had
colliding in my head
catch fire exploding
even without hesitation
nothing I can do to stop it
once saw the pictures
glimpses of a hopeful future
but now adjusting an antenna
sitting
watching my reflection
reflecting failing
my view I can't put it in perspective
fog maybe snow
clouding my view
all I'm getting is static
The fallout taking over my screen
pounding my head til my knuckles bleed
I don't flinch
I can't feel anything
there's no tears
already on the floor at my side
uncertain of what lies ahead
speaking of the future as if it were already past tense
I broke my own heart I'm dying.
Gave into letting go
A single memory falls off my cheek
Chest barely rising
watching this blurry scene
My past the only one who remembers
What it was like
when I used to be me