i never felt at peace
in the large white church
with marble pieus
and stain glass windows
that scattered rubies and emeralds of light
across the skin of my thighs

i never felt at peace
on my knees
with head bowed in silence
eyelids fluttering as i pretended to pray


but the first time
you took my hand in yours
the loudest silence filled my ears
as the voices in my head stopped their chatter
and i wonder if anyone has ever told you
that your voice
is their church
that the sound of your laugh
is their holy water
and that when you take their hand
they feel as if they are being forgiven.

everyone always says
its supposed to feel like fireworks
when he finally says those three words
for the first time
on a park bench, in his car, at a fast food restaurant after your senior prom
but no one ever tells you
that it'll feel like fireworks
when he chokes out those three words
for the last time
and the explosions will get louder and louder
as you watch his car
drive away
down your street
and then suddenly

silence

sometimes i see you kissing other girls
in my sleep

this morning i woke up
with mascara smudges
and a dry throat
and salty lips
i sat on a hard wooden kitchen chair
as i read an article about the life cycle of a star

i learned that the bigger and brighter the star
the shorter its life,
the brighter it burns
the less time it has before an explosion destroys it
from the inside out
crushing it into pieces
and propelling them into the universe

as i read
i found myself remembering the day you told me you loved me
so much
you could just explode

and i wonder if maybe this whole supernova explosion thing
applies to love
because our love was bright and consuming and fast
and ended in an explosion
that destroyed me from the inside out
crushed me into pieces
that were propelled into the universe

our love is like
salt in the wound
glass on the pavement
needles in the sand

i watch the little red seatbelt sign
flicker off
the man next to me is asleep
he has a british accent
and smells like hotel soap
my ears pop
and i look at the clouds
funny how clouds no longer seem
so solid when you get so close to them
(i guess people are like that, too)
a lady in a polyester red blazer
brings me ****** coffee and smiles
i don't think she wants to be here
i smile back
its just me
hotel soap guy (now snoring loudly)
my notebook
and the clouds
this 53 minute flight
is much too short
and i don't want to come down

the chair in his office was uncomfortable
as was i
when he pushed his wide-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose
adjusted his stethoscope
and asked
why on earth i would want to have an eating disorder,
my body was so beautiful
his eyes lingering on my thighs
a few seconds too long
as he looked me up and down

in that moment
i didn't know whether to thank him
or get out of the room as fast as possible

i wanted to puke

i filled myself with
sorrow
but i still felt
empty

you are not my sky
not my moon
not my air
the smile on your face
is not my sun
and i am not its planet
your freckles are not stars
scattered across the night sky
you are a person
not a sky
you aren't limitless
your being does not surround
my whole world

you are not
my world

you are not a wilted tulip
or a shattered porcelain doll

the boy with piercing blue eyes
and a lightning smile
is not going to appear out of the fog
and save you from yourself

stop pushing your dinner
to the edges of your plate
don't make yourself less
so that he will love you more

you deserve so much better
than a tear-stained pillow
and a splitting headache

you hang on his every word
and fall at his feet

spit on his scuffed up shoes and
pick yourself up, sweetheart
pour yourself a mug of black coffee
watch the sun kiss the horizon good morning

you are awake
you are significant

i woke up this morning
(the morning after you left me)
and drank a cold cup of coffee
it wasn't good
but it tasted right
fitting
for the occasion
bitter
lukewarm
left a bad taste in my mouth

"i'll always love you"
before you left me in front of my house
you uttered those four words
and my heart skipped about four beats
alone
confused
because, you see
since when does the word always make you feel so
hopeless
always means forever, right?
its supposed to be reassuring
it signifies something limitless, never-ending
but for some reason
when you said
i'd always be the first girl you'd really loved
the word always
hit me like a ten ton truck
leaving a tightness in my chest
that is still there to this day
and the worst part is

i'll always love you, too.

when the boy with musky cologne and hazelnut eyes
shatters your heart into a million pieces

you're going to have to put yourself back together

you're going to have to be your own super hero

you're going to have to love yourself

there are over one million words in the english language

but when you told me you loved me
last november
i couldn't form a clear thought
i couldn't even nod my head

let alone say it back

i woke up at 3 am
craving your voice
you're captivating
and everyone else bores me
i don't think there will ever be a day
that i don't think about you
my hair is in knots
the words i want to say
are tangled up in my mouth

i was hoping that if you kissed me enough
in places where i thought i was dead

flowers would grow

but i am not a garden
and my dear,
you are far from a dose of fresh water and sunlight

"eyes are the windows to the soul"
or so i've been told

for some reason you enjoy
staring into my eyes
and i always look away

because if eyes really are the windows to the soul
im terrified you'll discover
that my soul is full of pain and sorrow
my windows are shattered
and the glass shards might cut you badly

so i'd rather keep you wishing
than let you down

because when you stare into my eyes
you wont see vast blue skies
through unclouded glass
you'll see a thunderstorm
through a shattered window pane

you were beautiful
when he whispered it into your ear
in the backseat of his car
with salty lips pressed against your smooth skin

but you were also beautiful
before he told you so

An absurd, charming little laugh
Her voice was a wild tonic in the rain
Each speech, an arrangement of notes
A singing compulsion
Impersonal eyes
A thrilling voice
The absence of desire
Beautiful little fool
Her face was sad and lovely
With bright things in it
That was a way she had

when you sit by the ocean at night
i hope you think of me

i think of you

twinkling stars scattered across the vast sky
the spots and freckles dotted across your cheeks

the ebb and flow of the sea
the slow and steady beating of your heart against mine

glints of moonlight bouncing off the rocking waves
the flickering light in your eyes when you say my name

if i am an ice cube
you are a hot summer's day

if i am snow
you are spring's approach

if i am a glacier
you are global warming

you
melt
me

she liked tea with sugar and lemon
always smelled like peppermint soap
and her hair fell in ringlets around her shoulders
like a golden halo
her handwriting was neat and pretty
her eyes were dark and wide like galaxies begging to be explored
she was a pleasant girl

he dove into her seemingly infinite galaxies
and found out she was not as sweet and clean as she appeared
she was broken
from her split ends, paper cuts, and cracked skin
to the thoughts that flooded her brain at night

from a distance
the girl was spotless and confident
but when people got close enough
they realized that she was far from pleasant
and definitely not spotless (she was a mess)

her wholesome appearance attracted him
he fell
and found that she
was cracked