brushing my teeth, i look up at the ceiling and its spiderwebs,
look at the cracks in the walls and the ugly paint and all i can think is
i fell in love with you,
a while back,
haven't really stopped since.
i'm scared.
i'll brush my teeth some more,
think about it tomorrow.

I want you so bad and you will never get it, and maybe neither will I but god,
I want to touch you in a way nobody ever has before, want my hands to worship you as if you were my own creation,
God made you soft and I thank Him for it
But your skin calls for mine and I,
I know you hear it too.

stop being sad about what you can't do yet,
work hard, be better but don't
break your own back.
getting to the top isn't worth the sorrow
you give yourself.

you don't exist alone, your pain is theirs too,
so love you like you love them
and walk as far as you can
your legs will hold your struggles
and push you to whatever it is
that you want.

so tell me, what happened to us ? how come we were so close but the bonds stay so fickle, ready to be torn apart any moment now. i love you all, and you all love you, but how come we can never quite reach the stars.

it used to be me, so insecure and packed full of doubts. afraid i was the replaceable or the replacement. and now it's you, afraid of being pushed aside so badly that you end up staying on the road by yourself. afraid of losing the food, the hand who fed you and lashing out instead, pushing the hand aside, the body dropping with it. what good is it now that it spilled everywhere, tell me ? hold the hand, embrace the body ! the stars are here for us or we were made for them but i

i don't wanna lose the circle we made. it's growing, it's changing, let it breathe. let it breathe. tell the circle you love him ! tell him ! love is offering up your whole body and heart and knowing it might be torn apart but at least you did it. you went there, you showed the strenght beneath your skin and the stars inside your eyes and the circle will grow thanks to your risk. love, is a risk. it's simple, it's raw, it's scary all at once and it makes us stronger like it always has.

love isn't the poison you spill around you, or it might be but don't let it win. save yourself, save your body and your heart, your strenght and vulnerability, save your breath, hold the hand, show yours too. tied together, we could be five or one, but the stars wouldn't burn brighter than we do.

there's something beautiful in the devotion of
needing someone else's skin on you so bad that you ache without it, feeling their absence like a pit inside you
and their breath next to you like a blessing come true,
the love that doesn't come from your heart but from your guts, pulling your whole body into it.
i wanna feel that kind of love,
the ugly and raw side of it,
wanna be breathless from it too.

coming to the realization that if i could let myself die slowly, i would,
was the worst christmas present i could give myself.
there comes a moment where you are so miserable that you can't even pity your own **** self,
self hate is so stupid,
so time consuming and egotistical,
and yet i cant stop it. i can't shut it up.
i am an ugly child, and i
don't remember how to live like an adult
when the world around me crumbles and cannot hold me up
anymore.

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.