timing is a delicate thing. it's the difference between life & death. it's the difference between a sure yes & a strong maybe. it's the difference between a friendly glance & a look held too long.

timing's never really been my thing. I'm always too late. too late for appointments, for chances, for people. I never know how to show up at quite the right time. and I think I wanted timing to mean less than it did. because now you need the time. because your time is valuable and while I know it's not being wasted, I know it needs to be acknowledged that you need it. and that be the end. and there be no other place we go for then. and I need to accept that this could be a road I looked down and walked past. and just because I don't want that doesn't make it not what it is. or what it could be. because it is what it is. it is.

the grey just comes sometimes

other times I think myself into it. I wish I could think myself out of it just as easily.

I loved her and I love him because of every way they are different from you

every way they love me differently and better than you do. than you know how.

father's day shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't be a time like this. I don't want it to always be like this.

I don't want my kids to grow up in a house knowing there are days in a year mom won't be able to get out of bed

knowing those days are connected to a man that is nothing like their father. a man not capable of growing up enough to teach his children anything intentionally.

I don't want an anxiety attack to be forever hanging in the shadows for me exact days a year. I want to love and be loved without feeling like you're in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong.

I want you to be my daddy. that's all I've ever wanted.

but instead, I've gotten Anthony.

and because of that, I will always be the 5th grader you bullied. the one you made to feel less than. the one you showed over and over again that she couldn't be herself in your presence.

and now at 19, I deal with the consequences.
I face the realities.

I will never come out to you.
I will never run to you when my heart is broken.
I will never get to ask you if your grey is the same shade as mine.
I will never get to ask if you've ever gotten so far into it that it seems like a shade of black. I won't get to ask how you got out of it. how I get out of it.
my children won't know you in the ways I want them to.
my children won't understand. I won't give them a father who would make them understand.

sometimes I want to wish you away. other times I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I wish I knew what kind of time this was.

i don't wanna worry about what you can and can't do

i want you to love freely. and live freely. and experience freely.

i want you to freely exist. to have that luxury. because it's not something you've gotten to do honestly yet.

not something you've freely done

and you deserve it

you who is so authentic & so giving & has so much endurance,
deserve that

you deserve nights in her car where endless is the only way to describe your journey

you deserve mornings in hole in the wall diners where your order becomes her order and vice versa.

you deserve saturday afternoons lost in her head and her sheets

you deserve love and someone willing to learn how you like your eggs

you deserve good *** and better intimacy

you deserve more than the world because the world can be bought and goddesses own heavens by birthright

i don't wanna write about what you deserve because you should already have it

Don't approach a dog unknown to you
Holding out your hand, making eye contact
You may frighten him
Let him come to you

Don't write a poem uninspired
It won't work out
In good time
Let it come to you

Don't go out there seeking love
Like a child with a butterfly net
Live your life
Let it come to you

It's not enough to say I'm over it,
it's not enough to see you with her

Apparently I enjoy torturing myself via the heart

I've never been an adrenaline ****** or one to look for adventure in the bottom of a bottle,

but I have found myself searching for a bit of life within other people

Pushing my emotional boundaries, seeing how close to a breaking point I can get

Seeing how close to someone else's emotional boundaries I can get

That's where the high comes from,
watching the surface crack under the pressure I've caused but not quite break

Revealing where the weakness lies in people is the beauty of it

Because cracks reveal the weakest points of people and as they say,
*"you're only as strong as your weakest link"