My Living Nightmare

I would play my father’s favorite sonata on my family’s grand piano
While he stood watching over me-Every morning to the late afternoon.
Voices inside of mind were commanding and
As a threatening black cloud became a curtain closing before my eyes,
I yearned to retreat to that hidden world of my own.

Although the tune I played was somewhat soothing,
Firecrackers were exploding inside of my mind-
My father was the taskmaster
Vociferating his own domineering commands –
He was the devil’s advocate and the slave driver ruling my life.

Inside of my mind were deeply rooted fears
Pain stabbing my heart with every palpitation
I can still hear those voices screaming that nobody else could fathom
Piercing my brain as would shards of broken glass-
As I can still see spiders crawling across the ceiling above me.

This is my state of mind that has rudely taken over my life
As if I were driving, losing control of the steering wheel and crashing-
Schizophrenia is the name that was given to define this turmoil that contains me
As I still have memories of lying unresponsive in a hospital seclusion room
In desperation hoping to somehow appease my troubled soul.

Memories and flashbacks plague me every day and night-
As I am playing the same sonata on the grand piano of my dreams
I lost my father twenty two years ago
His absence has brought me some relief from that never ending trepidation
But I still ask myself “what is this lurid demise that has stricken me truly all about?”

I believe that demons possessed my spirit before the day I was born-
My father believed my state of mind was merely about lassitude and misbehaving-
So I would play for him that same sonata on the grand piano he so often yearned to hear-
But I still cannot comprehend what went wrong on that journey towards my birth-
Whether I look backward in time or move forward- I guess I never will.

Claudia Krizay

I'm rushed out of my house,
Torn out of a clean smell,
My white floors,

It's soon replaced with the smell of burnt hair,
And my eyes are a bit clouded.

I know I should evacuate,
But I can't find my friends,
Or family,
In this ashen air,

The air is silent,
Torrid and burly,
Dark,

I don't know where to go,
Or what to do,

The space around me is sweltering,
And I can barely make out blurs of red and orange, Solvent,

I realize the sky isn't silent,
But soundproof,
I can hear subdued screams,

Crying of babies,
Vociferating mothers,
Agonized friends,
And shrill screeches,

It all overwhelms me at first,
The crumbling destitution, calamity,
Because I realize,
It had to be my fault,
For not running,
For not saving anyone,

I proved everyone right, didn't I?

My friends,
My family,
They're gone,
They've left, haven't they?

Seized by this vehement heat,
and ****** lava,
Frenzied gas,
Eliminated immediately,

I can tell it's truly nobody's fault,
But for some reason,
It feels exactly like it's mine,
As if I made this volcano explode,

I'm paralyzed,
Next to you,
My kingdom of dirt exploding around us,
Gas filling our noses,

Next to you,
My dearest, suffering friend,
And we'll be stuck together,

Suffering together,
And we meet eyes,
Scintillating flames, a pause

And as I stand there, watching in horror,
I can feel something rather decalescent sink my foot into earth,
An acidic silt jogging around it,
And I can hear myself struggle to scream into the ozone sky,

And the only sight I can see,
Is you,
Gasping for air,
And I can feel the lava overtake my legs,
And the vehement of the earth stings,
And we're stuck,

As our last words blur together,
Words of friendship,
And words of forgiveness,

We forgive eachother,
Although it's nobody's fault,
But this vehement earth,
This nefarious kingdom of dirt,

And as we meet gazes one last time,
I try to tell you to run, I shove you away,
But I only cause you to sink deeper into the lava,
I try to tell you again and again,
to run, to do anything,
But I can't,
And my eyes blur over,

And for some reason,
I can see my breath in the air,
One last time,
And I'm gone,

And so are you,
Forever stuck in this rut,
Two stone figures stuck in heated earth,
Like the figures in Pompei
Smolten statues,
Shortened apologies,
Unable to move,

Forever stuck,
On this smolten earth.

Whereby I confessed being guilty
impossible mission to escape accusation
of prurient transgressions
wrought transformation and self condemnation
additionally begat demonstrable emasculation
against accepting, kindling,
urging temptation toward verboten fruit,
clearly communicated, albeit clumsily
courtesy non verbal gesticulation
labeling mine promiscuous, lascivious,
horrendous... behaviour reviling.

Yours truly shirked fidelity
regarding faithful vows
bequeathed courtesy angel of mercy,
who pledged her troth
July twenty fifth nineteen ninety six
five months (not quite to the day) before
"star student" birthed
on December twenty second,
(now gainfully employed
at Certified B-Corporation
headquartered in San Francisco, California).

The missus likened to Rose Madder
than a raging (red) bull
visa vis upon discovering mine absence
(cuz I slept in the basement cull
hooding with Casanova
while at 724 Railroad Avenue
keeping company with mice elf),
methought then how wretched and dull
being married and celibate,
hence yours truly sought full
fill mint outside the marriage,

yet unbeknownst to this husband
an automatic, fatalistic,
and opportunistic hull
king, quaking, and vociferating wife
gave me a thrashing tongue lashing harangue
verbal dressing down,
cuz I betrayed lifelong commitment
until death do we part
me uttering sacrosanct words witnessed courtesy
immediate family members

plus justice of the peace
honorable Judge: Henry Schireson
925 Montgomery Avenue, Suite 100
Narberth, Pennsylvania 19072-1913
pledged allegiance, compliance,
exuberance,  obeisance lull
and sacred marital concord
yours truly did not honestly mull
kickstarting promising unswerving monogamy
deserved hypocrite label
coveting, facilitating, indulging,

loving, offering pent housed
****** relief with another woman
nearly did render null
and void marriage pact
flaunted sacred pact
and will (as good as) hang,
which ****** imbroglio,
albeit (nocturnal escapade) did boomerang
in earshot of both
our then young daughters ****** ears,
thus a sudden pang

to exit the scene arose up inside me
courtesy wishful trapdoor to appear suddenly,
(whereby regarding floorboards)
from out mine overactive imagination sprang
open to usher, and/or time travel back
to earlier that fateful night rather than lang
whooshing amidst livid rage
self serving deserved fiery emasculation,
the noose hence I did stage,
experiencing withering, twittering,
snapchatting, kickstarting blistering
expletive laced epithets think
ready to burst pressure cooker
evincing dangerously hot level gauge

driving figurative wedge
between me family
courtesy foaming at the mouth spouse
(of course deux progeny affected)
renting asunder and rendering hollow
thee justice of the peace
gordian tied, uttered,
vouchsafed worded oath I did pledge.

Divorce prematurely *******,
yet instantaneously dismissed
no more pleasant alternative spewed versus
contracting cankerous cyst
analogous to toxic mother
of our two offspring hissed
disparaging me directly linkedin
with promiscuous tryst
besotting me with blackened barbs
me honestly, lamely, meekly
justifying philandering gist,

cuz gal methought
(good idea mister casanova wannabe),
which came as soliloquizing aside
to exchange as bartered bride
thine scorned wife,
who would relentlessly chide
(even long after the day I died)
heard thru tomb harrows coffin

abominable behavior, I do readily admit
figuratively found me electrified
what with raging testosterone nsync with
hormonal secretion my guide
****** gamboling, I chose not to hide
never back once black traipsing inside
double entendre meant
viz yule eyes joyride.