My gleaming white constellation class Starship
(My ***** white Chrysler K car)
was out on patrol near the neutral zone
(I was driving back home from the bar)
It was then I received a distress call
(I urgently needed to ***)
Some Klingons decloaked in proximity

(I sped past a cop car or three)

I called for more speed from the engine room!

(My transmission started to shake)

Klingons pursued in the neutral zone

(They motioned to me HIT THE BRAKE!)

“What seems to be the Tribble, Officer?”

I said to the humorless Gorn.

That Klingon impounded my vehicle

(They caught me exceeding Warp Nine)

If Kirk faced this “no Win” situation

He’d probably get off with a fine.


Dam Klingons!

All of this just so happened
With the saying of one simple phrase
"Beam me up Scotty"
Was all The Captain had said

But all that came aboard
Was Captain Kirk's toupee
Never did they see James again
After that fateful day

Now Captain Kirk's toupee
Is the one that's running the ship
Barking out its orders
From where the Captain once sat

It's little wonder the toupee and the crew
Don't see eye to eye
As it continues throughout its screaming
Can't you see I need more warp drive

With Scotty hollering back
I'm giving her all that's she's got
Thinking the whole time the Captain's toupee
Would make a good galley mop

Spock while all this is happening
Struggles to keep a straight face
Which is really hard for a Vulcan to do
When dealing with a demanding toupee

Of course like James T. Kirk
His toupee has a thing for alien gals
Which leaves the ladies throughout the galaxy
All with a bad taste and hair in their mouths

And not to mention the trouble with the Klingon's
Now they have no idea what to say
How in the world do you wage war
When your arch enemy is a bad toupee

It's little surprise this all lead to a mutiny
Of the Starship Enterprise crew
The day they grabbed the toupee
And ran to the transporter room

They all wondered what took them so long
The idea it was so blatantly simple
As they beamed away Kirk's toupee
Down to the surface of the Planet of Tribble's

All of this just so happened
With the saying of one simple phrase
"Beam me up Scotty"
Was all The Captain had said

But all that came aboard
Was Captain Kirk's toupee
Never did they see James again
After that fateful day

Now Captain Kirk's toupee
Is the one that's running the ship
Barking out its orders
From where the Captain once sat

It's little wonder the toupee and the crew
Don't see eye to eye
As it continues throughout its screaming
Can't you see I need more warp drive

With Scotty hollering back
I'm giving her all that's she's got
Thinking the whole time the Captain's toupee
Would make a good galley mop

Spock while all this is happening
Struggles to keep a straight face
Which is really hard for a Vulcan to do
When dealing with a demanding toupee

Of course like James T. Kirk
His toupee has a thing for alien gals
Which leaves the ladies throughout the galaxy
All with a bad taste and hair in their mouths

And not to mention the trouble with the Klingon's
Now they have no idea what to say
How in the world do you wage war
When your arch enemy is a bad toupee

It's little surprise this all lead to a mutiny
Of the Starship Enterprise crew
The day they grabbed the toupee
And ran to the transporter room

They all wondered what took them so long
The idea it was so blatantly simple
As they beamed away Kirk's toupee
Down to the surface of the Planet of Tribble's

‘TWAS THE TREK BEFORE CHRISTMAS
                      (with apologies to Clement C. Moore)
                                        December 2013


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the ship,
Not a tribble was stirring, not even a blip.

The crew was all nestled so snug in their bunks,
All sleeping alone, including the hunks.

The comm came alive, whistles, sirens and all.
The captain sprang up to answer the call.

When what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a small shuttle craft that was drawing quite near.

The little old pilot, so lively and quick.
Kirk knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

To the rear docking bay, it made a bee line
And made a great landing, a-flourish and fine.

Kirk raised up his head, when he heard the tube door,
And stared at the stranger, when he saw what he wore.

Ignoring the captain, the stranger began
To fill all the post seats, not missing a man.

Then turning around, not missing a stride,
He entered the turbo and returned to his ride.

As the shuttle departed, Kirk heard on the comms,
“Merry Christmas to all, yes, even the Roms!”

The sun arises
to dawn on new troubles,
tribulations,
and tribble-sized problems-
things that will start small
and multiply-
into invasive thoughts,
pervading senses of doom and despair,
becoming conquering masters
of deceit,
illusion,
and trickery.
From outside my bleak and tiny window,
the rays of betraying star-fire reach-
creeping over parked cars,
dazzling my eyes
in an ill attempt to gain my favor,
as it entangles the world in its ancient hands.
Redefining what it is to be alive,
each and every morning,
it persistently climbs with self centered surety,
to lord over my aching head
as I cling to the skin of this tiny world,
bound to it by responsibilities and duties
of the most mundane necessity.
What will this day bring?
Shall all the nusisances of adult life be avenged?
Or am I doomed
to continue plodding on in grunting,
laborious,
displeasure;
to pen my utter dismay
at having to work before the sun is up?

It wasn't a while anymore,
today I saw moored.
As ever a tribble of joy,
you are what what's for,
fore
ahoy!

Saturday and I'm sat in here
on the train which is full of it
and
I don't mean good cheer.

Full of day old metro's and
ketchup cartons
kebab wrappings and
they're just the add-ons

don't people clean anymore?

Mind the Gap!
but
when you can't see the door
you fall into the trap.

I'm off
and
I'm off to work
as an extra in Star Trek
but
not Captain Kirk.

All of this just so happened
With the saying of one simple phrase
"Beam me up Scotty"
Was all The Captain had said

But all that came aboard
Was Captain Kirk's toupee
Never did they see James again
After that fateful day

Now Captain Kirk's toupee
Is the one that's running the ship
Barking out its orders
From where the Captain once sat

It's little wonder the toupee and the crew
Don't see eye to eye
As it continues throughout its screaming
Can't you see I need more warp drive

With Scotty hollering back
I'm giving her all that's she's got
Thinking the whole time the Captain's toupee
Would make a good galley mop

Spock while all this is happening
Struggles to keep a straight face
Which is really hard for a Vulcan to do
When dealing with a demanding toupee

Of course like James T. Kirk
His toupee has a thing for alien gals
Which leaves the ladies throughout the galaxy
All with a bad taste and hair in their mouths

And not to mention the trouble with the Klingon's
Now they have no idea what to say
How in the world do you wage war
When your arch enemy is a bad toupee

It's little surprise this all lead to a mutiny
Of the Starship Enterprise crew
The day they grabbed the toupee
And ran to the transporter room

They all wondered what took them so long
The idea it was so blatantly simple
As they beamed away Kirk's toupee
Down to the surface of the Planet of Tribble's

⏳ I cried with all my might because your poem
touched me like an uncle in the night.