She grabbed my neck, one hand, and her fingers quickly connected,
“You should have some more self respect, you’re taking this further than I expected.”
I swear that I’m eating again,
but I won’t try to pretend,
that the food doesn’t make me hurt, the removal of my organs didn’t mend.
I ask her to forget it and to just talk about the weather,
the topic wants to drop; she won’t let it, she knows I’m not getting any better.
I was always too much of a lost cause to trust I’d ever be repaired,
for years she’s held the gauze and just silently waited and stared.

At 21 my mother died from a long battle with cancer,
I toughed through it to provide comfort I could never allow myself to receive.
So my own sickness was inspired by Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”
it was never my goal but what my
brain wished to achieve.

I told them all to leave me,
I didn’t expect they would do so,
a few stragglers stayed who wished to prove they were strong.
It’s still shocking that they believed me
or were they waiting for a polite out to go
one that they could argue wasn’t wrong?

And I’d rather break a mirror
than to see the reflection everyone else shared,
it’s not that I would fear her,
but through seven years bad luck I’ve already fared.
I made a choice and a deal
to give my worthless life for just a few good days,
you can’t put a price on how you feel,
you can only hope and pray that that feeling atleast stays.

I became best known through all encounters in every social gathering
as the laid back confident joker, because they never saw me shattering.
I assure you that after I was always in my Honda drowning,
arguing with myself if it was better to be fake than the person always frowning.
I was dying for interaction beyond just meaningless conversation
and only ever met the odd soul to bring that alleviation.
I was so used to the shadows from the comfort of my basement
that I flinched when I saw sunlight and only after felt amazement.

I was a skeptic and untrusting as to why the sun would ever shine on me,
and the refreshing waves that brushed my feet carried potential for drowning.
And just when I got used to light and a natural source of heat
the darkest cloud in history attacked until it did retreat.
Then I thought that drowning in the sea wouldn’t be the worst,
if it didn’t carry me into a current, perhaps it could wash away my curse.
But even the tide will move away when you decide to take that step,
past the point of clenching a fist, every muscle I own did treppe.

Los Camp said the sea was a great place to think about the future,
but I know it’s a great place to think about the one you lack.

So you're riding in this car, and you feel this kind of feeling. Like the wind is softly caressing your skin as curtains drawn over a freshly opened window on a spring day, blowing in soft spurts up and down your skin, subtely undulating to the ryhtym of natures heartbeat in harmony with your own. At a stop sign, it's second nature to stick your cigarette out the window and flick, but at full speeds you should have known. You should have known that the sheer movement all in one direction would be enough to wipe that ash straight away, revealing a new and beautiful burning ember, bursting with life and oxygen, beckoning up at you with the long lost pleasures of your most recent inhalation of life into those black heavy lungs. You stop to think and realize that life, with it's many shortcomings and speed car races, is a mysterious enigma, with an ultimate prize when you solve the puzzle.



But that last puzzle piece, oh how elusive it remains over the years. Be it love? Or loss? Perhaps musical inebriation or an exceptionally deep relative conversation with a complete stranger. The kind that leads to dancing eyes and an incredible variation of ****** expressions that you hadn't even thought possible from the tiny muscles below your cheeks, pulling the strings from somwehere up above to show you the right complexion to wear at any given moment or pause.



I still think that love must have something to do with it. More intoxicating than the ripest wine from the most exotic vineyard. More majestic and mystifying than the school bus ride with your fresh smelling brand new pleather/plastic superhero backpack and matching shoes on your first day of school back in 1995. More powerful and tumultuous, yet unpredictably moving, than the first time it hit you like a ton of bricks remembering in mid adulthood that some place, some where in time, you had a real home, with a real family, with real holiday tradtitions to celebrate and commiserate about each and every year, but that's all gone and done for. Yes, love must be involved some how, the invariably escapable little *****. She must be hiding somwhere amongst the tree lines and leaves, the rivers and valleys, the shooting stars and comet tails brightening the dull black of night. Yes. She must be somewhere.

Maria Yuryevna Sharapove
Cuantos amore y tu?
De Donde eres?
Soy de Estados Unidos, un poco en la Florida.
Es muy bonita aqui, Yo pasar vivir en Tampa, FL.
Currente en Orlando, FL.
Sus ojos me gusto muchas.
El feo es muy beauty-full.
Las flores de unas manifestaciones have certainly done their NUMB3r on me.
Die.
Fur.
Ewigkeit.
eternity.
Everlasting.
eruptions.
Elliter­ation eh?
wet Yet?
I bet you sweat for a Poet?
I certainly hope you adore an actor.
I beumse you to be a mused by musicians musing over you alone.
Marriage isnt so tough when you I toughed it out this long.
Have Your Veins ever felt like Runaways?
Meow.
Me, OWWW?!
(;
peace//love
X//0
sugarpova?
sharapova?
more like supernoavs!
excuse me
supernovae
eh?
I could do this alllllllll day (:
Wuv youuuu
Lov u?
I wish I knew russian
Yuryevna is the only world I need to understand.
The sun swirled my whole life
Arent you the sun incarnate
and
immaculate of course.
we gloridifed all the benches
killed all the 'rockstars'
I Am augustus, antony, another one?
it goes on
ad infinitum.
I have a perfect soul.
So do you.

'I want you to notice when Im not around. You're so very specialllll :(

I wish I was Special

But Im a 'creep?
Your the creep!

Your the ******.
But its okay
I like 'Polka" dots.
Ill 'CRUCIFY' you wink any ******* time you want. BELIEVE ME.
Now
Testify

Run
Run
Run
RUŃÑŃ Uhm
Are we done yet?
Nope

"Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want, a child as soon as possible of course. Youre beaitful. The most beautiful princess a 'prince' of 'peace' could corrupt. (;

Lets Let Love LIE, Live.

Everything in its right place Maria.
I know Im a Tangential Thinker, diagnosed by Grace itself.

Ive been through prison, kail, solitary confinement.

and guess what

it wasn't all for you
but it was and i never knew

My lost lenore.
Quoth the Raven.
ALWAYS.

My mind has been astray
Thinking about pure
Distorted
Faith

Feeling betrayed
The pain
Suffocates
I cry in physical pain

In a dark black array
In darkness
I lay
I believe in nothing
Feel numb

So ******* dumb
Unable to speak
Just wanna freak

Can't feel me
I am out of body
Although my heart
It palpitates
All I can hear
Feel deep inside

I suffer

I know
It may not appear
But that's the sphere

The pain has toughed me
Made sparkling armour
Surround

Nothing touches now
Out of reach
Peaked

Felt the stain
It still remains

It will disappear
With time
Although constantly reminds my mind
Of mankind

Can't always say what I feel or think
My words twisted or feeling used against me
I've said the truth and got hated for my honesty
While others lie and are fake they get praised
It should be me but they chose someone else
Toughed it out, all the doubt can I do without
Did so much not doing anything now
Drives me crazy asking what I did wrong
Can't be this or can't do that worked hard
Overlooked deep down shook taken forgranted
Not my place made it a home and have grown
Deep breaths overwhelmed not sure if I want to do it anymore
Writing hearing voices things that need to be said
Some get hurt in respond eats me up dead inside
All I want is to be alive make it to the end of the day and survive

How different would my life have been
If I had kept to the road I traveled.
If I had found a way to step around
The brambles and the broken stones.

Had I toughed out the blistered feet
And kept my eyes focused forward
Instead of noticing another path
I somehow though a better destination.

Had I not ignored the pebbles in my way
I might not have stumbled over bigger rocks,
But I spent my energy on lime in little glasses
And had nothing left to save me from the rubble.

Had I not seen the other path that took off at right angles,
Had I not set a timid foot on it
And found it seemed much smoother
I would have lived a different life than the one I live today.

My shepherd encouraged his lamb to stray
And then never came to find her.
He launched her down a foreign path
And forgot to mention the washouts

Or the toll booth set at mile 14
That demanded almost more in courage
Than I could scrape together,
And I passed it broken and poor in spirit.

That’s when all the butterflies and blackbirds
Fled to other highways
Leaving mine a very silent path
With little joy to reach for.

If I had stayed the path that I first chose
So carefully and so long ago,
What different place would I be now
And would it be a better one?  Who knows.

ljm

Let the debate begins.
In public opinion, men barely ever win.

Celebrities, athletes hit with instant allegations.
Yes, men's under attack and best believe some of these women aren't innocent.

Money is an aphrodisiac tool of attraction.
And many of these ladies crying foul play into his fame and wealth.

Whether for dating or giving out pleasure?
Even in scriptures, women weren't attracted to lower-level men.
They mainly went or leaned toward the powerful.

Serving Kings and others with glorifying titles.
And the public opinions are beginning to turn toward some men winning.

Why?
Why aren't some of these women accessory to a crime?
So many leveling lawsuits but being quiet until more than two come forth.

And songs even mention the truth that are women not dating many men if their finances aren't there?

Men's under attacked is nothing new.
But when they are proven innocent?

Start blaming the names of these ladies through the news.
Quit using victims won't come forth if they do?


We obviously aware they have no chance with the news.
And why it always women questioning the men in the interviews?

If men used toughed questions like them?
They are label as unsympathetic and cruel.

How do you know that your life has been good enough?

That you've done enough
That you've been enough
That you've accomplished enough
That you've given enough
That you've strived enough
That you've endured enough
That you've toughed it out enough times
That you've ****** up enough hardship
That you've checked enough boxes and jumped through enough hoops

How do you know
that when all of the plusses are added
and all of the minuses are taken away
that your life doesn't equal
a big f-ing zero?

He took pride walking into enemy camp now a days he prefers to be alone writing and listening to music. He'd like friends but thankful for the few loyal ones he has. He could be himself open up vent without his feelings being ignored or belittled since he was okay being vulnerable while others seen him as weak and preyed on his because they assumed he wouldn't do anything. Trying to relax is hard so much on the mind. Overwhelmed too much at once thinking about dating, after being in failed relationships learning to be alone. loving yourself after feeling unworthy devalued being with the wrong person.
Failed friendships all the gossip when he told them straight up. Everything came around when he called them on it they had the nerve to be upset trying to flip the script. He valued them and they trashed him that's what hurt the most.
He worked hard flustered they hired the lazy guy over him. He hung in there toughed it out worked harder asking if he was in the right place or was it time for him to move on. He love the community of people learned so much because he was open to learn and grow.
His dreams made sense to him while others caller him crazy. Saying no one like him can do it so it made him want it more. He never wanted to give up, who he was to be accepted told himself make the most of things even if they ****. Make it better, don't settle for less make the most of what is given.
Always willing to adjust to the encounter adapt to the situation. Pondering the next move brainstorming ideas

Tired of all the hazing the only one who toughed it out went through it all. Made more effort to be kept out feeling like, he didn't matter, or belong. Asking himself, "why did he stay," they obviously didn't like him, and he didn't always agree with how things were handled. Another made up standard to live up to when they didn't have it together.
He had another life before they crossed paths they can't take credit for him and all his efforts. They can't tell him, how to feel, or think.
They dk what's going on in his head. He may not argue, say much but refused to let them take advantage of his kindness. Once he spoke up that's when everyone kept him out. Before they'd taunt him, let him think, he could be one of them. He was okay and moved on. No reason to stay felt it wasn't worth it anymore.

The mystery

The mystery of life is enduring
what is its purpose?
A couple having *** on grandfather´s sofa
while he is out milking his two cows.
The consequences of this brief union
was far from the couple´s mind.
So, I ask again, what is life´s purpose?
Was there a plan behind it?
Winning the toughed race and be born?
Or was it only a happendash?
Something a spur of the moment encounter
Was the newborn destined to become great?
And leave behind the immensity of the human mind
So, the individual could understand its meaning
“what was it all for, Alfie?”
The devil had a good day bringing forth another loser
doomed to the lowest rung of the ladder
and bring the idiot´s genes further down the abyss.